poetry critical

online poetry workshop



at the freak show
ilikeblue

“Step right up,
 1
step right up,
 2
            lay-dees and gents!”
 3
 
 
The announcer with the oily mustache
 4
(shirt buttons popping at his beer belly)
 5
            hungrily surveys the gathering crowd
 6
 
 
“Watch it, bub,” a spectator snaps
 7
as the mob jostles one another to get a good spot for viewing
 8
            and a woman irritably takes off her red hat so the man behind can see
 9
 
 
Hooking his thumbs under red suspenders,
 10
the announcer cries,
 11
            “Lay-dees and gents, have we got a treat for you!”
 12
 
 
And as the red curtain is yanked open
 13
people strain to get a good look
 14
             at my exposed heart.
 15

24 Sep 06


(define the words in this poem)
(12 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

add a comma at the end of line 1 and after "it" on line 7, capitalise start of line 12

i wonder, does this mean your heart is exposed in the figurative sense, as one would expect in poetry, or in the literal sense, as the suroundings belie? is that the whole point of the poem? if so, it's brilliant, if not, you might want to think more about the execution.
 — inutile

Thanks for your comment!
Any suggestions on how I can make the ending better?
 — ilikeblue

i'd stick an adjective before "heart" on the last line. try to make it something unusual (either a rarely used word, or a word rarely used to describe a heart).

also, when i read it again today, i noticed you've used the word "red" three times. was that for some purpose? i was thinking, why not add "red" to the second stanza, perhaps in the front of the parentheses?
 — inutile

very creative idea.

the imagery is vivid, as well. great job. :)
 — nilo

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