| Not "The One"
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mustangchik
| She wears an invisible diamond ring | 1 |
that he paid for with promises and dreams. | 2 |
In the check-out lane, | 3 |
they thumb through bridal magazines: | 4 |
drooling over three-tier cakes covered in fondant | 5 |
and bouquets of wedding-white lillies. | 6 |
On the patio of her parents house, | 7 |
when no one is looking, | 8 |
the young lovers practice their wedding kiss. | 9 |
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They spend quiet nights on a tattered couch, | 10 |
her head resting on his chest: | 11 |
listening to the calm beat of his contentment. | 12 |
He whispers his dreams for their future | 13 |
and she smiles softly | 14 |
as she imagines how it could be. | 15 |
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They close their eyes, | 16 |
trying to meld the images of their own faces | 17 |
to catch a glimpse of their children. | 18 |
She pictures a baby girl running to his arms | 19 |
squealing, "Daddy!", and giggling. | 20 |
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But her heart knows the truth: | 21 |
she will not love him all her life. | 22 |
She merely loves the idea of him | 23 |
and the notion of forever. | 24 |
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Tonight, she lies awake as he sleeps, | 25 |
listening to the gentle rhythm of his breathing. | 26 |
She slips off the invisible diamond ring | 27 |
and lays it on the nightstand. | 28 |
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Waking him gently, she whispers, | 29 |
"I'm sorry, you just aren't the one I'm meant to love". | 30 |
As he rubs the sleep from his eyes, | 31 |
she disappears and his dreams follow suit. | 32 |
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9 Oct 06 |
Rated 8 (8.3) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (2): 8, 9
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Comments:
You could change "She can picture" to "She pictures" in L19. Active is more pleasant to read than passive.
I love this. You are very talented. My eyes got really big toward the end, so you must have had me caring whether they stayed together or not.
— NeighborDi
really good, though i wasn't feeling lines 19 and 20.
— dustybottoms
The ending does not feel forceful enough. Just a note, sorry? Perhaps if you give us hints throughout, such as adding "his" before promises in line 2 and then again in sly small places throughout. Listening to his contentment.
In line 24, perhaps don't use forever again, since you used it two lines up. Can you make it something else, like "the planning and the dreams, not the reality."
Fondant is not a cake, it is a type of cake covering, like frosting but thick and
moldable.
Be here, done that. Married him anyway.
— Isabelle5
This is sad, really made me feel that way. However, I think it's a wee bit unrealistic. A guy whispering dreams of the future (l 13?), and her leaving him? It's just usually women are the ones going on aabout a wedding, men listen with only one ear. But the concept of only loving the fantasy of marraige is brought across very well here, it really struck a cord. A real life snap-shot. Thanks.
— unknown
Your rewrite deserves a higher rating, so I'm upping mine. Yes, men want to get married too. And yes, it all sounds good, but if a girl has had a controlling or unkind father, she may have many commitment issues. In such cases, she dumps every guy she gets too close to. He would have no forewarning. I think this is very believable.
— NeighborDi
I fell for this poem during the 4th stanza.
The last line is a perfect finish.
I love 27 too.
Beautiful imagery, emotionally potent.
— Krttika
Thanks for all the comments! NeighborDi hit it right on, girls can be commitment-phobic too. Isabelle, I think your comments really helped me make the image stronger - thanks! It was just what this poem needed.
— mustangchik
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