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Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star

Twinkle, twinkle liittle star
How I wonder where you are
What you're doing, how you are
If you're happy, up so far
While you twinkle do you think of me
Down below you, on my feet
Standing staring at the sky
Hoping I won't start to cry
Is the pressure put on you
To succeed in all the things you do
Do you sometimes wish that time would stop
To give you time to get back up
Can you show me, how to shine
When everything is out of line
And how do you do, the things you do
With all the world expecting you to
Do people judge and talk about you
Then assume you're fine and happy too
And when you twinkle, little star
Do they think you're happy as you are
Can you hide behind your light
Hide your sadness, tears and fright
They see the twinkle, not the plight
When they look up to the night
Do you sometimes feel alone
Feel they've cut you to the bone
Would you dare to make a peep
Or drown it out in endless sleep
How far away from me to you
Yet I know you feel the way I do
You're brilliant white even when you're blue
You twinkle even when they get to you
Twinkle, twinkle little star
I can feel your pain and scars
I wonder what you're doing, how you are
And are you really happy, up so far?

11 Oct 06

Rated 6 (7.3) by 1 users.
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Well, the first stanza is the strongest, as it sticks to that old rhyme format very well.  You lose it in long lines in the middle of this.  You almost have it at the end but line 35 messes it up and line 36 just has too many words in it.  That could be,
"Are you happy, up so far?"  

I think you could make this shorter and it would carry more clout.  

Who is this little star?  
 — Isabelle5

dont do anything to change this poem, I like it just that way!
I like the idea u used of changing the original,I will never think of that "song" the same...
 — eurobaby

ii don't like it...
 — unknown

L1 - You could remove the extra i in Liittle.

I like what you've done. Many, many students will be able to relate to this poem because they are under more pressure than ever before to succeed. Not only in school but in their extra curricular activities too. With more young adults being pressured (which makes them unhappy) there are simply more students out there being mean to other students. I can see you in your dark back yard questioning the sky for answers and almost dreaming up companionship due to the lack of people you can be honest with about it all. I say, let you mom read your poem.
 — NeighborDi