poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Love doesn't hurt
eurobaby

Blew my high
 1
When I seen his next girl drive by
 2
He's far beyond mystical
 3
Making my mind state critical
 4
Damn, I realized this was serious
 5
Once my head turned delirious
 6
Going from club to club
 7
Looking for the man thats supposed to be my true love
 8
Hoping I dont walk up on him & his next score
 9
Cause I cant control this no more
 10
Information flows when you're curious
 11
Enough to make a girl like me furious
 12
Remembering back to the honeymoon at hotsprings
 13
Up pops a vision of all of his flings
 14
 
 
When I walked in the door
 15
He called me a whore
 16
Grabbed me by the throat
 17
Murder he wrote
 18
Said whos dick you sucking
 19
Yet some girl at the bar hes fucking
 20
He thinks I dont see the flex
 21
But its written in large text
 22
He says hes got love for me
 23
Fuck that, he can just flee
 24
So I was wasting my time
 25
On someone that was'nt mine
 26
Well, analyse this bitch
 27
I ain't sticking around for you to switch
 28
I now see the harm that you have done
 29
& trust me, someday the double will come
 30

11 Oct 06

Rated 7.7 (8) by 3 users.
Active (3):
Inactive (1): 5, 8, 8, 10

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Comments:

DOESN'T
 — unknown

You really are a rap artist!
I love your poems I hope you have lots more to come.
 — jenakajoffer

I love it. I am adding it to my favs. ^^ Keep it up!
 — Nerezza

Do a little minor editing and this will be a lot better. It already has a natural flow, just make sure little errors aren't detracting from the words.
 — Cloudless

Blue?  Do you mean blew my high?
mind-state
man who, not man that.

This is way too melodramatic and "Jessica Simpson" for my taste.  It sort of falls apart in places with lines too long or short and really, really bad rhyming.

If this is a rap song, I don't know that it translates well into poetry.  Lyrics often do not make the leap.
 — Isabelle5

thanks for the comments everybody......
These lyrics are about as far from jessica S. as possible, that comment made me LOL!!I guess your to gangsta for me.
 — eurobaby

I really like this, I could hear this being rapped as I read. God, I think you are my favourite on PC with this poem. Please set it to mucic. You write from the soul and don't mice your words, your anger empowers your poetry. I love it.
However, if you do want this to be perfect as a poem, you need to puctuate it as it distracts from your written talent. Sort it.
In some places even reading aloud in rap style though there are too many syllables in line 9, try "don't wanna" instead of "hoping I don't",
Line 10 "any" not "no"
L12 "absolutely" instead of "like me"
L13 remembering the honeymoon back at hot springs" sounds better.
L16 try little or dirty or an apt 2 syllable word
L18 is not good, can you think of another line
L24 again, can you think of another line
L25 wasting
L1 blew
I like this as a rap poem but you need to work on the rythm, certain lines which I mentioned, they let the poem down badly which readers will notice straight away.
Hope that helps.
 — marieF

this is my favourite dana poem.
when you going to post again?
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

I can relate with this.  Though I'm not really Hip Hop, I can appreciate some of it.  I tend to lean more toward Soul & R&B.  However, I, for some reason, was pickin' up on a Jill Scott vibe.  If you know who she is, then you know also, how BAD the sista is.  If you don't know who she is, she's got 3 CD's, a book of poems (and one on the way) and a new hit movie out with Janet Jackson & Tyler Perry.  The sista is TIGHT!  With a little editing (mostly on the stress of the rhymin' that you're bustin',) this could really kick some serious "hata/playa booty."  The thing that bothers me most about Rap is some of the vernacular.  Not everyone knows what all of the "street" lingo is and most of it is not in the dictionary.  Don't mean 2.B. up in yo grill, but just bein' truthful, is all.  :-)  Nice flow, good effort/execution.  Dump da brotha's ass.
 — starr

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