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And then you wept gently [The Descent]
zepplin42

And then you wept gently,
 1
One teardrop towards the Earth
 2
          Cascading.
 3
Drowning out the whispers
 4
Of a million tears before
 5
          All unshed.
 6
So I held out my hand,
 7
And became pure from one
 8
          Teardrop.
 9
Fear takes its hold on me,
 10
Not from rain, but the storm's quiet
 11
          Marching.
 12

13.12.1

20 Oct 03

Rated 7 (7.8) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (7): 3, 4, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10

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Comments:

Let me digest awhile....
 — Isabelle5

Beautiful
 — quiddity

Lines 1-5: Wow...
Lines 6: Uhm...well, can't quite categorize this line...could be better...
Lines 7-9: OK-ish...
Lines 10-12: Rather random and disjointed...unecessary...
 — unknown

Thanks for the complimenting and commenting. Unknown, I know that "all unshed" is a bit weak, bu I don't know what would adequately slip into that place within the triad and still maintain the feeling. I want the rhythmic unity (and apparent variation) to be just as strong there so that it relates to everything else. In my style, what properly describes all those unimportant "other" tears without sticking out and simultaneously maintaining a linear independance from what came before?
Ll7-9 tried to express that in empathy lay the speaker's peace. I know the mood is disrupted, but that is the effect. Do you think that this distracts from the mood-flow? Finally, the last triad is sort of a summation of the wisdom gained through the initial experience and the disturbing fear that comes with distinguishing a pattern with horrible consequences. How can I better address this issue in the poem? or should I simply excise it? Any and all commentary appreciated here.

-zepp
 — zepplin42

Well, I think 'pleading to be shed' would be a subsitute for what already exists as line 6. It just seems to flow naturally with the preceding lines.

Lines 7-9: Excuse my other comment...your explanation makes perfect sense. Still, I have to add that these lines did kill the mood on my first reading BUT they doesn't seem as irrelevant as they once did...

Lines 10-12: I'm still rather puzzled & I maintain my earlier stance...

That's as much help as I'm able to render. (great poem, though...untapped potential...)

- known as 'unknown' :)
 — unknown

this is one of those poems that leave you feeling as if something deep inside you has sighed and said "yes, I know - I have been there but couldn't articulate it into words" it speaks to the soul and offers a kinship - it makes you feel still - yet moves you as well. Thank you for that. --- space
 — unknown

I was gonna change some of these lines based on your guys' comments; but then I realized that every third line is an addendum to the couplet preceeding it, creating a stop and start effect if read properly. That also gives multiple meanings. I guess I'll have to rething that terd-bucket yellow dress....

 — zepplin42

oops. rethink.
 — zepplin42

I see a couple spots where you have CAPITALIZED and didn't need to (IMHO)
these spots are:
Line 1: "You wept gently" (the "and then" seems unnecessary)
Line 5: "of a million"
Line 6: all
Line 8: drop the "and" altogether
Line 10: "Fear takes hold of me" sounds much better here
SUGGESTION:
Line 3/4 ish:
since you have "dropped" CASCADING
why not structure these lines so that DROWNING also "drops"
here is what I would do:
cascading
whispers
drowing
a million tears
Then, your words are doing what they say they are doing--dropping.
Plus, you get rid of some extra words. Overall, that would be my main complaint. There are too many unnecessary articles. "and" and "the" and "of" are just filler words. They are RARELY needed in poetry. They CERTAINLY don't need CAPS.
Not bad--I enjoyed the images.


 — aforbing

Aforbing, I appreciate the comments, and just to humour you, here's a revision which I utterly reject (and I will shortly explain why):

You wept gently,
one teardrop towards the Earth
cascading,
drowning
out whispers
of a million tears pleading
to be shed.
I held out my hand,
became pure from one
Tear
d
r
o
p.
Fear takes hold of me,
not from rain, but the storm's quiet
Marching.

While this does sound great as a free poem, it lacks the rhythmic expectation that is so crucial to the final image. Notice that I didn't put "the" before "rain" in l11. That's because it would have upset the rhythm. And that's why there are "unnecessary" articles and prepositions/conjunctions throughout the piece. Maybe you can rebut your earlier argument through this rejected revision?
-zepp
 — zepplin42

Damn, the spacing so did not work out properly.
 — zepplin42

hmm... i was going to repay the favor with this one but i can't. no suggestions here. i think the spacing is just fine.
 — exparadise

Too much about tears. I need something else. I like the other version in the comments a bit better.
 — unknown

No, no. The letters were supposed to be indented, and there was other stuff going on.

Too many tears? They're not the point of the poem. Meditate on it for a while and let me know what happens.
-z
 — zepplin42

Mmmm....
 — elysium

boring
 — unknown

i can't say i fully understand this, but the imagery here is a touch of magnificence. very beautiful language, gentle sounds and sentiments.
 — wendz

This is so beautiful, Zepp. And it could mean so many different things. I was just rereading stuff. I really love it this one. I also agree with why you left things in, like "and then".. without that, it would lose character and rhythm. Those things are fine when they go with the poem, contrary to what many people seem to think.

I think, this:

d
r
o
p

Would be quite silly in this poem. It removes all meaning.
 — elysium

Please excuse my drooling.
 — FangzOfFire

The most beautiful sadness....clear.
 — greenwall

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