| Five year old palm
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trochee
| Dark hazel eyes stretching an arm | 1 |
filled with hope and aspirations | 2 |
making me nervous, scared and responsible | 3 |
expecting truth from my experience. | 4 |
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Shall I unfold the truth? | 5 |
shall I lie about his future and life? | 6 |
so many candies on his path, | 7 |
equal number of worms alive. | 8 |
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May meet some whores on the way | 9 |
and someone worth a blissful life | 10 |
hope you choose the destined rose | 11 |
and weed out the harmful thorns. | 12 |
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Don’t give up the thought of living | 13 |
read, pray, learn and perspire | 14 |
the debt of smile will break your heart | 15 |
the debt of life will make you tire. | 16 |
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Pink palm and lines all puerile | 17 |
five year old my little nephew | 18 |
innocent mind ignorant of palmistry | 19 |
asking me for his life's preview. | 20 |
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18 Oct 06 |
Rated 7 (6.1) by 5 users.
Active (5): 1, 1, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (5): 1, 8, 8, 9
(define the words in this poem)
(68 more poems by this author)
(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
This is really quite good. In the first verse it sounds like the hope is in the arm rather than the eyes the way you have written it. I'd suggest a comma after line 7. lines 15 and 16 read a little awkwardly. Broke just doesn't sound right, it should be break. I know you probably wrote it that way to match with debt, but it doesn't work. Line 17, why are the lines faded? Other than those little critiques I have, i love the poem. third verse is great, and the end is fitting.
— bleach
i appreciate your feedback. and yes i wanted the reader to imagine the eyes stretching an arm. In l17 lines are all faded cause a five yr old wouldnt have fully developed palm lines. thx for reading bleach.
— trochee
much better now with your little edits. I still think that faded is the right word, i know they wouldn't be as developed, but faded implies they were once strong and then started to dissapear, when in fact they will deepen and grow with time. I'm sorry but I can't think of an alternative to offer, maybe somebody else can. Or maybe you want to keep it like that, it's your poem. Really like it anyway!
— bleach
yeah bleach you are absolutely right ... hence the change.
— trochee
The way there is a balance about the quandry you face is good. Only perhaps in a poem can you explore and express these thoughts. I presume this is your experience? It is the sort of experience that can only resolve itself within a poem. Like it.
— unknown
Boring as hell. Some okay images though. You're getting better...I think. 6/10
— Henry
Ah - there is Henry again - so I think 10. Its a thoughtful poem - and I love the way the dilema is expressed.
— dia
Thx henry... i would really appreciate if you read some of my other poems.
And thx dia.. you know you are my favourite !!!
— trochee
"the debt of smile will break your heart"
This is my favourite line. Well done.
— JustineCH
This is a tender poem, filled with sincerity and angust. You feel for your young nephew as if you were talking to a small version of yourself. I would lose the word 'whore,' as it doesn't belong with the sentiment of your other words. Maybe you could express lines 3 and 4 more artfully and less literally. I especially liked lines 15 and 16.
— Bethl
I'm intrigued. Questions: Why the aged language ("shall")? Why the occasional, sporadic repetition?
— WordsAndMe
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