| Small Spirit Passing
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Isabelle5
| Surrounded roundly by grace, | 1 |
pale skin washed blue | 2 |
by loving hands | 3 |
and eyelids closed | 4 |
against forbidden light. | 5 |
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Dressed in white cotton | 6 |
soft as lambskin - | 7 |
fingers closed but once | 8 |
on Mother’s hand, | 9 |
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to take one breath, | 10 |
one wishful gaze and | 11 |
nestled close to close | 12 |
dark eyes against this life. | 13 |
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One sigh – Hello, Good-bye | 14 |
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18 Oct 06 |
Rated 8 (7.7) by 2 users.
Active (2): 6, 10
Inactive (6): 1, 2, 9, 9, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(274 more poems by this author)
(3 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
I LOVE this poem, and I don't love lightly. I think there is a tiny problem with L12. Should it be "nestle closed to close"? Something's not jiving there, but you'll figure it out. WOW this is good. 10 points! My absolute favorite!
— NeighborDi
Isabelle! Way to go!
— NeighborDi
I'm so happy you took this in the right "spirit." I'm HONORED that you like it so much. I'm always shocked when someone likes my words.
I used the words close (as in tucked very near to the Mother) and close (as in closed eyes) purposely throughout this piece to imply small doors - arriving, departing. I also wanted it to show that even in death of a newborn, there can be a sense of a touch, a warmth, a bond and a "Farewell, I'll be waiting."
If you read it quietly, like a hush, it works with all the 'close' words.
— Isabelle5
Hi Isabelle, I'm not sure if you are after positive and negative feedback, but here goes, the poem in its entirety is delightful reading, my only criticism is the gob-stopping L1.
— unknown
What does gob stopping mean? I love the first line! hahaha It flows sweetly on the lips.
— Isabelle5
I'm actually in tears. This is so lovely and touching. Just lovely.
— Catbox
Isabelle, wow again. You wrote this so beautifully.
— Catbox
errrrrr...
not too shabby
L2- this ain't looooookin' right t' me
perhaps skin washed pale blue?
i dunno
well done
— chuckles
The washing blue indicates that the baby has been dead long enough for the skin to go from pale to that bluish color.
It sounds rather grotesque when I write it that way but I meant it to mean the love being lavished on this small person who has already departed. The parents will keep touching long after the body is ready for burial. I have no child in mind but I have attended funerals of infants and I'm always impressed with how the mother will fuss over the body, touching its face, stroking back the hair, adjusting the bonnet or cap. It's incredibly touching and amazing how a very short contact with your baby can change your life and your heart.
Which is why, to me, abortion is so tragic. If a woman had to see the baby she wants to discard, perhaps she would change her mind.
— Isabelle5
Isabelle5, don't you just hate that, ya fav line and some unknown comes along and dumps on it. I just found it difficult to roll off my tongue poetically,whereas the rest of the poem worked well for me
— unknown
I do the same thing to other poets sometimes so I can't complain...that phrase actually came first and I didn't know where it would lead. I love poems that 'arrive' that way, don't you?
— Isabelle5
My poem Not One Drop Was Wasted came that way. I had the first two lines months before the rest of it came. I love that!
— NeighborDi
I'd remove grace from line 1. but from 8. Last stanza needs work. Seems too indulgent in death as a novel experience right now. Doesn't have a wow, oh, etc. but almost perhaps.
— C
very well done, I actually shed a tear! It's beautiful. But horribly sad.
— themorrigan
I can't remove grace, it's the word that sets the tone for the poem.
The 'but' means only, why should I remove that? It's also part of the tone of the piece, showing how temporary and fleeting the meeting was.
I'm sorry you don't like the last stanza. If there was something wrong with punctuation or grammar, I'd be willing to change it but if it's merely a subjective feeling, I'm going with my own instincts and leaving it as it is.
Thanks for the comments and reads, Poet Friends.
— Isabelle5
I would maybe remove " to close" in L12 so that it reads, "nestled close." This made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Chilling, soft and sad, but so well executed. Love it!
— starr
Isabelle! This is YOU!!!
Oh my goodness...I had NO IDEA. p.s. yeah...the "surrounded roundly" in L1 has got a bit too much of the "ow" sound in it. I would get rid of "roundly." It will flow better phonetically and tonically without so much CLUNK in the first line. I had to agree with
the first unknown. Gob stopping means "horrifying," "awful" or "shocking." All my love to you, Isabelle! Starr
— starr
I appreciate the assonance of line 1, but I’m not sure what you’re getting at with “roundly”. I’m thinking that you are implying a halo is around the child. Also, I believe you could come up with a more interesting noun than “grace”.
Washed blue?
“loving hands”, like “grace”, is stock.
What is forbidden about the light? I believe it could be painful or frightening. Are you implying that the child’s birth was a mistake?
I thought that cotton is as soft as, well, cotton. Line 7 doesn’t really add anything.
I don’t think that a baby, but a few hours old, has enough life experience to be wishful about anything. Are you implying that his spirit has knowledge?
I think that you mean the one breath, from 10, and the One sigh in 14, to be the same. It’s stronger to use it at the end, so consider getting rid of 10.
My initial impression was that the author was trying to manipulate the emotions of the reader by using the tragedy of a child’s death. Upon closer inspection, I don’t believe that is necessarily true. But the already cited stock words and phrases contribute to that impression.
The above questions should maybe be addressed with more poem, or less, depending upon your answers.
— unknown
Nestled close (to her mommy) to close (comfort and safe as she goes back into spirit form).
— Isabelle5
I wonder if I can give you a sense of what I was thinking when I wrote this. I was thinking She but it could certainly be a boy child.
Surrounded roundly by grace - this child is welcomed to the Earth life at the same time she is still connected to the spirit life - already leaving as she is coming and so she is surrounded by love from all sides of her being.
Cotton can be soft but it has to be washed many, many times to be soft enough for a baby's skin. This was to indicate that this child is wrapped in something old and treasured, perhaps an heirloom baby blanket or an old chistening gown that will now be her burial gown.
The child and mother got only a short time to bond - a finger holding tightly for a moment, looking into each other's eyes and wishing...newborns have their eyes open and they look around as soon as they can. Yes, this also indicates that although the infant is new, her soul is old and she knows where she is going next. She only stopped to give greetings to her mother, cuddles close to the warmth and love - and is gone again for another spiritual journey.
It seems like I thought more into it than I actually wrote into it. I wanted it simple, quiet, slight....like a flash of beautiful lightning that makes you say, OH! and then it's gone.
— Isabelle5
Forgot to say that forbidden light is the light here on Earth, which her closed eyes will not be able to see because her 'space suit' has been turned to the Off position.
— Isabelle5
Grace must have been a big girl.
— Henry
ha &nb sp; ha &nb sp; ha
— Isabelle5
Oh IzzyBee,
This is unbelievable, as I choke back silent saddness, I think of my sister's 7 month old fetus, and my best friend losing her baby girl half-way through her pregnancy. This poem is lovely. It makes one feel just how you intended.
Jen
— jenakajoffer
...sorry, that read like my sister lost her baby, that's not what I meant. It just makes me think of the hope for her to have a healthy child.
— jenakajoffer
so tender and peacefully sad. good work with the soft imagery and sounds, and the creation of stillness in a moment. i've no critique to offer, because I kind of love all of it, the second stanza especially.
— SteelAngel
Okay, I know this isn't about ratings but I AM PISSED that poets came here to leave a 1 and a 2 with no comment and no reason for even putting a rating at all if they had nothing constructive to say. I wish we had some way to weed out the worms in this lovely PC apple.
— Isabelle5
You're absolutely correct, Isa. Where Henry goes, so do 1s. To make matters worse, he has multiple accounts--which I don't mind if it's for artistic reasons.
To use both accounts to drop bad ratings on someone, well, that's just vile.
For some children, even negative attention is better than no attention.
— unknown
As you can see, my average rating is no where close to one. I didn't even rate this poem. I can't see the ratings.
— Henry
Alone in Autism jenakajoffer 8.2 10 78 28 Sep 06
Coffee and Cigarettes starr 4.8 10 43 19 Oct 05
Connections Rull 10 10 8 10 Nov 03
Dead People Quichemarie 8.9 10 40 13 Jan 05
Humiliate unknown 7.2 10 14 16 Oct 06
Modern Education SteelAngel 10 10 5 6 Oct 05
physics Erowen 8.5 10 9 18 Oct 06
Pulse - (revised) SweetPain 7.5 10 23 9 Oct 06
Silicone Limerick chuckles 7.7 10 17 2 Oct 06
sleep JayBrown 10 10 2 13 Oct 06
Stone Soup (revision) unknown 8 10 14 12 Oct 06
YOU.. twoonia 7.5 10 2 20 Oct 06
Gucci Girl JustineCH 5.5 9 8 19 Oct 06
Cheese Grater eyesParadox 7.7 8 15 22 Sep 06
Imagine Shaving A Fish CrunchyWeta 8.6 8 21 8 Jun 06
letter #2,939 mikkirat 8.4 8 47 19 Aug 06
Broken Signal Light redsky 9 7 15 15 Aug 06
Aspirations and Potential SoDelGirl 7.5 5 5 20 Oct 06
5 x 7 In Red j_pearl 1 1 3 20 Oct 06
Beatles Concert (1963) larrylark 6 1 11 23 Oct 06
My rating is the second one from the left for each of these poems. Only two ones all together. And no...I don't have multiple comments.
— Henry
Accounts I mean.
— Henry
I didn't accuse you, Henry!
— Isabelle5
True Isabelle. You didn't. Thank you. I plan on being at this site for a while. So people can rate my poems and I can leave helpful comments and ratings. You're a good poet yourself. I liked your poem about the girl with the rusted bicycle who dances ballet in the forest.
— Henry
That was me, Henry, the girl dancing in the woods. I took my kids to see that "studio" years later and it was all gone. sigh...
— Isabelle5
This is depressing but well written.
— AMarvell
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