poetry critical

online poetry workshop



He's the guy who wears makeup, right?
Pillbox

Numb
 1
er
 2
nine-
 3
 
 
kill'emkill'em.
 4
 
 
All I can see is your
 5
silhouette,
 6
half-hidden by prison bars;
 7
tongue flapping out
 8
secret patterns.
 9
 
 
How is the delusion
 10
of delusions,
 11
man?
 12
 
 
 
 
Good
 13
night.
 14

24 Oct 06

Rated 6 (3.5) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (0): 1, 6

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Comments:

I really like lines 5 to 9, the rest is not very good, especially lines one to four, not what you are saying, but the way you wrote it.
 — icepineapple

This is pretty good. Should be worked upon though. If this were a sandwich, it'd only be spicy mustard. I want meat, break, pickles and the like on my sandwich. 6/10
 — Henry

  Bread I mean.
 — Henry

D'you think? I'm fairly partial to the first 4 lines. 'Cause, I mean, without the way I wrote it, it really just comes down to "Number nine- kill 'em, kill 'em."
I guess that's the point.
I dunno. Sometimes we just don't catch Beatles references. But I've made it so obvious.
To be honest, I could cut out lines 5-9 without feeling any great loss. I dunno. MEAT BREAD TOMATOES PICKLES!


I don't know.
I don't know what to do with it.


secret pat
ter
ns
.


forge
tfu
l
.

wegotcaught, abroad, agog, a gauge we werein prison we wereblackbirds and we were so
THIN


sighhhhhhhh. XD

helpme.__.
 — Pillbox

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travel leisure tips
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ideal travel plan
get travel alerts
global business travelling
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choose attorney lawyer
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real time healthy life
about health care system
get insurance chart
get insurance plan
parenting chapter
smart parenting advices
mortgage advisor help
basic web designing
term of services
 — unknown

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