poetry critical

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the orange from hell

hanging from a bone-tree
bright, robust and waiting
for you to taste the candied sunshine
but you stand there green and hating
am I not sweet enough?
am I a threat--? you strip my peel
vibrant crimson-fresh
become bitter, spitting acid
mottled flesh
you squeeze my essence
leave me gagging on the pulp
mock as I bleed
through a sieve of fat  
begrudging fingers
your bloody hangnails linger
as you eat the luscious fruit
and floss your yellow teeth
with my arteries.

2 Nov 06

Rated 6.3 (7.6) by 3 users.
Active (3): 8, 10
Inactive (19): 1, 1, 1, 1, 4, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Yes! This is malicious, delicious and powerfully confrontational!
 — unknown

this ain't my cup o tea. but others will like it's words.
 — wayoutwalt

omg this is amzing!
 — unknown

why is this being reposted again as newest??
 — unknown

It wasn't in newest it was in commented by the way because I just saw it there and now here I am and I'm glad I stopped in to read this.  Rather original flavor to this, I enjoyed it. I looked all through the newest list and this wasn't thereand Id never seen this before.
 — unknown

my goodness unknown, take a breath!
Thanks for the comments,
and to you Meep!
I'm rummaging for orange things tonight.
 — jenakajoffer

This is better than "If I could call you a colour" in my opinion.  This is raw, edgy, vibrant with color.
The form is jottled and displeasing to the eye, and I could do without the two rhyming implements.  Especially given that they don't mirror each other.  I'm going to do it again, because it just feel right to me to do so.  If I piss you off, tell me.

hanging from a bone-tree  
bright robust and waiting  
for you to taste
the candied sunshine--  
you stand there
green and hating.  
am I not sweet enough for you?  
am I a threat--?  
you strip my peel  
vibrant crimson-fresh,  
and become bitter-  
spitting acid-  
mottled flesh.  
you squeeze my essence  
for your avarice--  
leave me with the gagging pulp,  
mock as I bleed  
through a sieve of fat;  

begrudging fingers  
sting into cuts where  
your bloody hangnails
(gnawed, chewed and spat)  
linger moments before  
you eat the luscious fruit  
and floss your yellow teeth
with my arteries.  
 — aurelius

Of course I'm not pissed off.  Your version may take a few reads for me to feel it the way you have written this, the rythmn makes me jittery.  I'm all thrown off balance with it like going against the tide.  
Why do think it's better rephrased this way?  (Besides the line breaks, I like what you did there and I like the less wordy examples you offer).  
Thank you alot for reading.

 — unknown

I'm glad you mentioned the rhythm makes you feel jittery.  That was precisely the point.  Don't you think it correlates with the subject matter?  If this were in any way romantic, the tempo you've employed would be perfect.  I want to ecourage you to not be afraid to fuck with your audience, grate on their nerves, pinch them in the balls, etc.
Make us feel how you did.
 — aurelius

Guess I am going to comment on this poem again after all, sorry...I don't mean to be a comment whore on my own poems.
But shit woman, or man whoever you are, I just read this for the fifth time, your version of course, aurelius and it really sounds like a kick in the teeth, it's really good!  Thank you for doing this.  
I don't know how to fuck with the reader, I'm the one always fucked.  
Thanks so much, you rock.
 — jenakajoffer

changes made.
I'm not very fond of "avarice" for L15.
 — jenakajoffer

3 1's...
This is infused with bitterness, its like it strikes out as us. Vitriol laced, acid rain, kills me over and over again.
I would prefer to give it a 9...but a 10 shall suffice.

Love the ending. Knocks me out.
 — DeformedLion

No serious nits for me to pick. The way you use colour compels me to think that you must be a visual artist. That's quite the palette you present. Now there is a modification issue. Some might say there are too many adjectives. That is your call, author. You could safely eliminate a few of those. For example,

ditch "bright" L 2. ( Robust by itself is quite vibrant)
compress lines 12-13 and toss "acid."
Your poem doesn't really require 'luscious" ( l 22)
L 15: "gagged" might be preferable to "gagging"

just a few
thoughts. I find your poem
quite excellent.
 — banditfemme

Hi leo,
it was great to hear some effect.
very generous of you
thank you.
 — jenakajoffer

hi bF,
thanks for the great comments
and compliments.  It's always nice to hear your opinion.
Although I completely agree with your modification advice,
I probably won't take it for this particular poem.
It's been a rhythm in my mind for so long I guess.
I appreciate that you shared your thoughts with me.
I'm also very glad you enjoyed it.  =-)
 — jenakajoffer

this is crackin.
 — unknown

Jen: this is very good.  Vividly expressed, exceelent imagery. Im surprised Ididnt see it before.
 — unknown

WOW. How is it that I never noticed how AWESOME u are.

 — BoundFeet

ahem...boundfeet, when did you write that
your lovley compliment has left me feeling quite bashful.
thank you kindly.

thank you unknowns as well.
 — jenakajoffer

a luscious fruit
 — unknown

wow. way to string emotion. i was expecting a poem of humor, with the title, but stumbled on something better;

though, using this same idea for humor wouldn't be too bad of an idea. you might need one to wash this one down ...

no, just kidding. this poem is excellent, it doesn't need a partner.
 — listen

I like some of your poems, yet, when I un-focus my "reading eye" some of this writing seems a bit didactic, when it should feel more natural. Obviously a strength of yours is vibrant imagery, but I think there might be a tad too much in this poem. "gagging pulp" seems a bit emo, to me, but I really enjoy "bleed through a sieve of fat." I hope this is helpful...if it isn't, let me know and I'll spend some time and elaborate more.

 — uncjaf

thank you for reading, listen.  =-)

and jacob, thank you also for elaborating on your thoughts.  this was a very early poem from several years back; i was heavy on the modifiers then.  i hope i have improved somewhat since then.
thanks for reading,
 — jenakajoffer

the other day i actually say an orange from hell. it was all green with mould and had a big beard spruting out across its face.

it was maybe one of the coolest things i ever saw. i even touched it, s'pose i am lucky to not be dead.
 — DeformedLion

the title made me laugh so much I couldn't read the poem!
 — opal

read it now - it's an excellent piece of work. loads of visceral feeling though I'm not sure about personifying an orange.
 — opal

indeed linus, you are lucky to be alive.

thanks opal,
i don't know either
but i think it might've been comforting
to imagine
as a food.
 — jenakajoffer

you mean you're not?

 — unknown

well...that depends...
 — jenakajoffer

haha you know you can't go anywhere with this now:)
 — unknown

 — jenakajoffer

good, but makes me think about the poor oranges i eat :(
 — amandalynn

How about the poor denatured Orange!!! The scandal of freshly squeezed orange juice revealed for what it is - a marketing and industry chicanery! Check out "Squeezed: What you don't know about orange juice."
 — unknown

Great piece exuding raw emotion. The imagery and metaphor is quite intriguing, albeit a little scary.
 — JohnW

and floss your yellow teeth  23
with my arteries

==is so, so, GOOD.
 — DeformedLion

ooh thank you guys for reading my first poem ever.  it's been awhile.
it's nice to see it again, and you too linus. =-)
 — jenakajoffer

am I not sweet enough?7
am I a threat--?

fruit has never been so vicious, or opinionated, i really loved this :D and somehow it makes me feel guilty and somewhat intimidated at the thought of eating a piece of fruit, lol this poem has power.
 — Rss233

peaches are in season, and they are yummy.
 — DeformedLion

would it be fair to say our Oranges are from different realms?
 — syrossoul

 — jenakajoffer

I also prefer aurelius' version. It was much easier to follow but also I do like the jittery rhythm. I had a little trouble following who the speaker was. The orange right? so the eater of the orange is green? why? doesn't really matter that I don't understand completely. Maybe with a few more reads.

Love "bone tree", maybe more images of this fantastical hell environment... Or is it supposed to be a human? I guess I'm getting a cannibal image. So okay. someone eating a piece of someone else. Glad you didn't go with the cliche of putting the actual word "heart" in there anywhere if this is about love.

the first stanza is all good.

stanza two was a bit difficult for me to parse out.

am I not sweet enough?   (okay. getting the lovers metaphor. good)

am I a threat--?         &n bsp;     ( still okay but a threat how? to what? would be more clear if the metaphor was more clear. not sure if this matters)

you strip my peel          & nbsp; (verging on cliche but okay. maybe just "you strip me")

vibrant crimson-fresh       (why crimson? is this an orange? the colors in the poem confuse me)

and become bitter           ; (here is where I had the most trouble. who becomes bitter? the eater or the orange? and why does it become bitter when it wasn't before? or is it an emotion?)

spitting acid,              (is the eater spitting out the orange? for some reason it feels like you changed POV with lines 11-13)

mottled flesh    (this image is unclear to me. did it become mottled? maybe put this image before the becoming bitter. is it a rotten orange?)

stanza three is good. but again with the POV. why is the orange gagging and not the eater? "mock as I bleed" I'm not really feeling this line. Why would someone mock what they are eating? The mocking makes me think of this poem as a sexual assault. which is maybe what you are going for.

line 18, again with the changing feelings from the orange to the eater. maybe if you put in "your" in places this would all clear up. I just assume the orange is referring to itself without it , though you risk muddying the conciseness of the poem with pronouns. The last two lines made me cringe. awesome.

 — heidikmck

thanks for your wonderful critique, heidi,
i wrote this in '05, my first poem ever, so it stays here to remind me of growth and to monitor change.

oh i could change it alright, i could change the crap out of it! but i won't, at least not here because it stands as my ladder.  

i should work on it though, and reading your suggestions and points of view, it deserves some attention.  if i find inspiration and motivation to do so, i'll do it on my blog.  thanks, i always did like this poem despite its flaws. :)
 — jenakajoffer

http://www.yo utube.com/watch?v=sHTc8DtQmnc

 — fortuitous