| Love Bites
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catherine
| I traced your laugh lines | 1 |
and told you that your tears | 2 |
already had their paths. | 3 |
| 4 |
When I think of you, | 5 |
I smile inside. | 6 |
But sometimes the smile | 7 |
touches the corners of my mouth. | 8 |
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Wind spires pass by the door. | 9 |
I am in myself and you are in yourself. | 10 |
The edges of night pull down around the house. | 11 |
I try to tell you secrets, the secrets from the dark | 12 |
places of the heart. Tu te tourne le dos et la fleur meurt | 13 |
dans la nuit froide. | 14 |
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The evening is quiet. | 15 |
You are still out. | 16 |
I’m thinking of you, | 17 |
in the jeweled amber sunset. | 18 |
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4 Nov 06 |
Rated 8 (8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (1): 7, 8
(define the words in this poem)
(10 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
Where were you hiding till now my pal? this is amazing. But seriously the stanza break-up with alphabets has t go... or trying something creative..
i really like the stanza break-up ..it gives the poem a moment to live and linger.
Goodd choice of words.
"Tu te tourne le dos et la fleur meurt
dans la nuit froide." ~ translate plz ....
the first stanza is really good , stands out . Loved this.
— trochee
I don't think the stanza lettering does this poem any favours. Turning your back on yourself? I'd like to see someone try that.
— unknown
thanks for the nice comments trochee. I'll get rid of the small letters, good idea. The french translates as "you turn your back (to me) and the flower dies in the cold night. works much better in french somehow especially as I'm with a french guy!
merci!
— catherine
It doesn't translate to that unless it states -- Tu me tourne le dos. Much better without a b c d to distract.
— unknown
to unknown, se tourner is reflexive. you don't need "me". It means turning your back, on someone, which is understood so you don't need me!
— catherine
Great imagery...I'm not to keen on the random French however. For that reason, a 7/10.
— Henry
the french is not random as I was writing to a frenchman. also to unknown, you're correct in that "tu me tourne" is a better word choice. But both work. Se tourner is more often used with an adverb following, like contre or envers.
— catherine
i'm french and agree with unknown
either it's
tu tourne le dos
or
if he's turning his back on you
tu me tourne le dos
te transletes as yourself in the reflexive
regardless the french line is very beautiful
whether you need to specify que la fleur dies in the cold night - i'm not sure
it refers to the dark heart place perhaps?
9 is a fresh description. i like it very much
the caesura in 8 desn't quite work for me
it's hard sometimes to hear someone elses stresses
jeweled is not a fantastic adjective, bordering as it does on bubblegum similie
for a tired subject the poem mostly comes out well
even though it's lightly abstract. one moment he seems to be with you
and another not, but
i'm not adverse to non-linear text with a surreal edge
why was he crying?
— bettalpha
like this except for the very last line, it's too much and it doesn't suit the rest of the poem. Love line 10.
— icepineapple
bettalpha, thanks for the comments, but really if love is a tired subject, then we might as well all be six feet under!
— catherine
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