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I never really knew
what it meant to be a bachelor
until I started dating him
I knew he’d need a janitor.
he was a little rough at first
but just around the edges
and he needed gentle caring
a dusting of his ledges.
his home a stunning manor
from the outside how it gleamed
but one foot inside the doorway lay the chaos
so it seemed.
there were overflowing ashtrays
and at least a dozen cases
of the empty umber bottles and their caps
in curious places--like the pockets of his jeans
in the washer and the dryer
and I found this quite amusing since
I did his washing prior
to finding moldy coffee cups
and eggnog in the sink
rotting, clotting, stinking
I would rally round and think:
“I'd surely never do this unless I truly cared”
and I smiled at his chicken bones
and soaped his dinnerware.
his fridge was full of condiments
some table-cream and brew
there were also many other things
but found the dates past due.
he loved his quick n' easy chow
a taste for fiery wings
that he’d chase with Coors and kiss me
leave my lips a lingered sting.
now don’t forget the clutter
on every shelf and counter
just like scattered leaves it gathers
to welcome mice encounters--
with tracks all through the butter and my laces
torn and chewed,
lil' bastard had his turds about
and left me in a mood.
and there's the days he’d go commando
and I thought of him obscene
but as time went on I watched and learned
he had no undies clean.
and isn’t it funny how he slumbers on the couch?
In his bed it’s far too lonely
without the tube he’d surely grouch.
but now he’s got a plan, he’ll get TV in every room
with all the porno channels and the sports
I would presume.
so then he’d get to sleep in bed
distraction at his side
he’ll never have to leave the room
he’ll never feel deprived.
I remember the sense of panic
in the early months of courting
like when I thought I loved him
I had thoughts of just aborting.
with the seven single years we shared
I worried we’d slip-up,
so I gave him lots of space
and fed him peanut butter cups.
but oh, we are so gooey-sweet
like midnight milk and cookies
and the hot tub bubbles echo giggles
from last night’s naughty nookie!
so although I whine of bedlam
and his beastly boyish habits,
he's perfect just the way he is, besides
we fuck like rabbits!

4 Nov 06

Rated 9.5 (7.2) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (21): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 3, 4, 5, 7, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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hahaha...great ending.
There was a spelling mistake somewhere though I am too tired to look for it, and the rhythm is off in a couple of places, but I loved it anyway. Thanks for a morning giggle.

 — unknown

Twisted syntax and forced rhyme.
 — unknown

haha, thanks Sam!
I know some of it's off a bit, but ah well, it's jus' fer fun
and it makes me smile cuz I luv him so much.
 — jenakajoffer

Tell it to your diary.
 — unknown

This was very nice. It became a little less poetic at the end, but nice. 8/10
 — Henry

*laughs hard* Great, funny poem Jenakajoffer. Wow...great. Long, but good till the end. And it rhymed. A definite plus.

Oh...I read what you'd said, I changed my poem a little bit. Tell me honestly what you think. That line bugged me too.
 — MrChris

Thanks so much Henry and MrChris, your comments made me smile, and smiling's my favourite. =-)
Henry, I changed the end a bit.  I think you will like it.  I do!
 — jenakajoffer

i need a shower...
 — chuckles

that one isn't about
 — unknown

omg, what an ending.  loved the bit about the fridge, hahahah good stuff.
 — unknown

hilariously cute jen...Must be nice to live the carefree life of a bachelor, eh!
 — eurobaby

c, you always need a shower =-D
Thanks Dana!
 — jenakajoffer

This is brilliant!
 — PollyReg

thanks Polly!
 — jenakajoffer

good flow.
 — unknown

Ogden Nash is smiling right now from Heaven!  So much thought went into this and it shows!  Awesome.  I don't know about the tampons though.  YUCK!
 — starr

Starr, you are so complimenting, thank you so much for reading.
Tampons are scary for men, I know, but at least our bastard mouse didn't do that to any used ones.  (can't flush 'em ya know)!
Also, isn't it funny how the most recent unknown wrote "good flow"??? Haha!
Now that I've really grossed you out,
I have a ?...why or rather, how is this poem climbing again when the rating hasn't changed?
 — jenakajoffer

I think you could cut this by at least 1/3 and it would still be good.  The tampon verse is rather unladylike but who am I to complain about that??  
 — Isabelle5

she ain't no lady...
 — unknown

Jen, I think poems can rise as others fall.  That's why the pokeys who go around leaving a lot of 1's all over the place can play havoc.  It's a good thing our money does not come from our ratings!
 — Isabelle5

I see what you're sayin Isabelle.  For the general public I suppose you are right in condensing this.  I haven't heard this suggestion yet from any others, but L36-43 and L52-59 and L60-63 I would consider removing, if just to experiment.  If you come back to this, let me know.
Thanks for your thoughts.
 — jenakajoffer

I'm no lady??
Awww, and I try so hard too
with my pinned up hair
and tea-cup pinky curled in the air.
But I guess donkey's can only wear
sun hats and flowers, like daisies
and pretend to care
while they drag on smokes and flatulate.
 — jenakajoffer

hilarious!  what a great poem.
 — unknown

great poem, great read, great imagery. only part I'm confused about you said you really didn't know what it meant to a bachelor, are you talking about yourself?  I am a bachelor myself and you put it down better than I could ever do it
 — gjenkins

haha, no...I am not a bachelor.  
However, I do live alone (for the most part) but NEVER like this, hehe!
I wrote this just a few months after dating my boyfriend.  
I'm glad you enjoyed this, it's all in love and fun and
one of my own personal faves since I still get such a warm giggle from it.
 — jenakajoffer

I remember, and I love this as much now as I did then...er, even more.

 — unknown

spoiled by the ending - terrible last line - though its just for fun :p

the rest was quite well observed habitat and rendition of life
 — Mongrol

Ha ha, I absolutely love this. Glad you have found true love. This is a great write though, the rhyme really suits the style of poem and gives a good flow. It is funny too and gives a positive message about loving the bad habits and that noone is perfect and all that. Couple of lines with too many syllables but the poem is not about perfection so I would leave them be.
Fave (10)
Last line brilliant lol
 — angrychick

karate kick
 — unknown

Kermie loves you piggy!!  
 — unknown

thank you "me", "mong", and "chick",
very much!
 — jenakajoffer

Inspired and reminded me to put off tidying up for another day.

Larry the filth Lark
 — larrylark

Thanks jen made me giggle and think of the years at uni with my girlfriend
glad you liked Me too .
 — sir_I_clan

OMG This is just too much! It's perfect. A perfect dedication, a perfectly delightful read, a perfect ending, and a perfect reason to clean up after him.
 — nakedowl

Hi Larrybones,
thanks for joining the slob celebration.  

Hi sir,
you know, I think 'mouldy' and 'moldy' are both correct; depends where you live?  I probably spelled it the American way, when i usually spell with the annoying 'ou'.  Thanks for reading, =-)

Thanks owl, very kind of you.  I don't clean this kind of shit up anymore, however, he's not so bad anymore either. =-)

and the wee unknown, I thank you too.
 — jenakajoffer

Hi Jen , i really like this poem , makes me laugh
Hope you are well
 — sir_I_clan

Chuck is still here in spirit fact,
(absolutely no pun towards amber)

Has he fitted out the new house with all the tv's yet ?
 — unknown

I see you have been doing the housekeeping, 24 open, 14 unknown.
and you deleted some stuff.

Over three years old and no mention of a beard.

Happy December....
 — unknown

hi, just saw your comment now.
i'd have deleted this one too, but i kept it, mostly for you.

and no,
no mention of the beard here.  i deleted those ones.
thanks for the laugh about amber, that was a good one ;)

and yes, all the rooms were fitted with the big-screens long before i moved in,
but we found the playboy channels too expensive, oh poor thing.
poor little rich man.

happy holidays!
 — jenakajoffer

Holy Fu"k
It's Chuck
 — unknown