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divorce
Ananke

At the end of it, I began to slip notes
 1
in coat pockets and desk drawers.
 2
Always anxious over the particulars
 3
of penmanship,  I awkwardly attempted
 4
to create a hand prim and proper
 5
and exotic and foreign at once.
 6
 
 
The failure came from the flourishes
 7
and crevices of my hand that intrigued you,
 8
this body of writing must be a secret stranger,
 9
a new found ardor, for I presented myself
 10
unfamiliar and unrecognizable, and I was unable
 11
to compete with the lover I created for you.
 12

8 Nov 06

Rated 9 (9) by 1 users.
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I had to read this several times to take the whole thing in, maybe i''ve still got it wrong, but yeah, pretty clever writing
 — unknown

ah, boy do I know that feeling!  

Wonderful, calm verse, the narrative flows very well, is not forced or reliant on chep images and over-hyped emotional states (argh, I am sounding judgmental here).  Lines 4-6 - very observant and honest, the adectives are chosen with great care and give just enough an impression of what the writer is trying to communicate without telling it all.  "particulars of penmanship" - I do like this

Wonderful turn of gaze in the second stanza, again, calm and well-controlled, one of those things that seems so obvious once realized and so very hard to grasp when still in the making.  Wonderful choice of words in the second stanz: "intrigued", "secret stranger," "self-professed imaginray ravishings," "flourishes and crevices," "new found ardor."  Mmmm.  Also, interesting line breaks, some of them cut in the middle, just in keeping with the subject matter of the poem indeed.  

One nit - I am not sure you need the "and I was" before "unable" in line 13 though it does keep with the narrative style.

Again, lovely poem.  Methinks this reader can relate quite well to this poem, malheuresement.

Thank you.  I have not seen a lot of poems written on the subject, and the subject is occurring often enough not to be paid attention to.  
Yours very kindly
Maria
 — slancho

thank you for your kind words slancho!

I thought the same about "and I was". I'll have to work on it. If I simply take it out, then the two selves would be too merged. I don't know if you see what I mean there, but I don't want the "unfamiliar and unrecognizable" I to be the same as the "unable" I.
 — unknown

I see well what you mean and thank you for your respone to the comment.  There seem to be a lot of writers on this site who take comments without responding to them, as if the reader were some sort of fast food.  Anyway.
I see what you mean about the two selves ...
If you had not told me you were trying to communicate two "selves" I would not have known it or rather, I did sense it, but it is not all that clear n the way the poem is now.  So, maybe you need to many some changes anyway.  How about something like:

"a new found ardor,
myself unfamiliar and unrecognizable,
I was unable
to compete with the lover I (had) created for you"

maybe that won't work for you but it was just a thought.
Good work, thank you for it
Yours very kindly
Maria
 — slancho

yesyesyes
a very nice poem...
i'm not well equipped t'tell
ya how t'change fer th'betterment
of this poem, exceptin' maybe
L1- i think it would be neat if it read like this:

At the end of it, I began to slip...
L2-notes in coat...etc.
well done
 — chuckles

i relate; wish i'd written this (or did you crawl into my brain?).
 — Xiada

For me lines 11-14 work as they retain a mystery. Its lines 7-9 that unhinge the rest of the poem as there are too many connectives without saying anything particularly exciting or original. When its good ts good, the opening draws you in, then it becomes exclusive to you and the appeal is lost before the interest comes from line 11 again. The middle bit needs work in my opinion.
 — Caducus

Thank you Cadacus, I believe I am far away enough from this poem to see that now(6 years later?! haha). I removed those lines entirely... does that work? Or should I put something else in their place...
 — Ananke

maybe if you put a semi-colon at the end of two, after 'drawers' it would help you see the grammar of this, the continuity. because it's getting very chatty very quick, after such a good opening line. so, the semi-colon is a kind of ordering into layers, and you can have these parallel thoughts with one... not like a sentence period, where the 'fact' is frozen and can't be used in a different way for a different flavoring.

... drawers;
anxious over the particulars,
always over penmanship -- i awkwardly tried
a prim and proper hand, and exotic!

the failure was in the particulars: the flourish
and crevice that weren't from my own hand,
and that's what you liked, what intrigued.
 — cadmium

I can't believe I just deleted those lines without saving what they were. IDIOTA!
 — Ananke

sorry, i didn't pdf this one yet. i usually wait until the dialog gets more complex... but, i do save all my own poetry to disc... i wonder at some people who have 400 poems here and only here... wonder what poetry means to them outside this site...
 — cadmium

nice write...I like how you have simplified the concept of seeming exotic and different, something new to him into handwriting.  It gives it a freshness.
 — CaseyPowers

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