poetry critical : poem

we met on the internet

unknown

the young woman and i	1
played scrabble	2
in a cafe	3
on the campus	4
of a small college	5

neither of us	6
had put down a letter	7
for some time	8

our chins	9
were on the table	10

i reached my hand	11
towards her face	12
and tucked her hair	13
behind her ears	14

the clock said eight pm	15
i had a three hour drive home	16
and a five am roll call	17
at the factory	18

i hate sundays	19
she said	20
in a pouty voice	21

i plucked her glasses	22
from the top of her head	23
and put them on	24

you look like a	25
venus fly trap	26
through these things	27
i joked	28

i thought	29
i was your lilac	30
she said	31
in that voice	32
that always quivered my spine	33

i stretched	34
and looked out the window	35
at the falling leaves	36
and the darkness	37

i flipped	38
my cell phone	39
open	40

mr stevens	41
this is justin	42
i've been fighting this flu all weekend	43
and its just getting worse	44
i don't think i'm going to make it	45
tomorrow	46

you'll be the death of me	47
i said	48
and chased her out the door	49
pinching her butt	50
all the way to the dorm	51

14 Nov 06

Rated 9.5 (7.7) by 2 users.

Active (2): 6, 9, 10
Inactive (11): 1, 1, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)

fractalcore
kymberley

Add A Comment:

Comments:

L33's "quivered" is awkward.
L38 is confusing.

A fabulous write - makes me happy to be in college :)
— WordsAndMe

This is "best" worthy. Back for my second read. Still love it and am truly impressed with your work, author.
— WordsAndMe

Words,

Thanks for reading.

Justin.
— fdostoev

this was a pleasing read.
— wayoutwalt

not bad,
not bad at all.
— unknown

i want to comment on this later...
— balancing

that's one bruised butt she's going to have.

the parts that were good were intimate believablish. the parts that weren't were a sitcom that has to fill a full twenty minute slot and is struggling for material.

i liked the chins on the table.

22 to 28 has a good tearing tone the lilac riposte not.

in summary the blokes voice and actions were well enough drawn the woman's not.

she felt like a 2d fembot. i hoped she'd explode.

betty
— unknown

teasing
— unknown

i like.
— peacetonight

I like poetry with more poetic device than mere line breaks. I did find this to be an interesting narrative, but short on making me care about the girl. I can't see her.
— unknown

nice
— unknown

Sexy!

would that be a severely unpoetic comment?
— roy_p

Greatly amusing .Liked a lot especially the way you finished it off.

Larry
— larrylark

Oh I liked this. It's just so sweet. I love the bit about the glasses and venus fly trap: that element is just so cool. I also very much adore the second last stanza; bless the sickies!
— wendz

favorite worthy!
— unknown

very nice.
: )
— fractalcore

i think the last stanza is extremely corny, cheesy and very unlike you.
— Rixes

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