poetry critical

online poetry workshop

we met on the internet

the young woman and i
played scrabble
in a cafe
on the campus
of a small college
neither of us
had put down a letter
for some time
our chins
were on the table
i reached my hand
towards her face
and tucked her hair
behind her ears
the clock said eight pm
i had a three hour drive home
and a five am roll call
at the factory
i hate sundays
she said
in a pouty voice
i plucked her glasses
from the top of her head
and put them on
you look like a
venus fly trap
through these things
i joked
i thought
i was your lilac
she said
in that voice
that always quivered my spine
i stretched
and looked out the window
at the falling leaves
and the darkness
i flipped
my cell phone
mr stevens
this is justin
i've been fighting this flu all weekend
and its just getting worse
i don't think i'm going to make it
you'll be the death of me
i said
and chased her out the door
pinching her butt
all the way to the dorm

14 Nov 06

Rated 9.5 (7.7) by 2 users.
Active (2): 6, 9
Inactive (11): 1, 1, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(2 users consider this poem a favorite)

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L33's "quivered" is awkward.
L38 is confusing.

A fabulous write - makes me happy to be in college :)
 — WordsAndMe

This is "best" worthy.  Back for my second read.  Still love it and am truly impressed with your work, author.
 — WordsAndMe


Thanks for reading.

 — fdostoev

this was a pleasing read.
 — wayoutwalt

not bad,
not bad at all.
 — unknown

i want to comment on this later...
 — balancing

that's one bruised butt she's going to have.

the parts that were good were intimate believablish. the parts that weren't were a sitcom that has to fill a full twenty minute slot and is struggling for material.

i liked the chins on the table.

22 to 28 has a good tearing tone the lilac riposte not.

in summary the blokes voice and actions were well enough drawn the woman's not.

she felt like a 2d fembot. i hoped she'd explode.

 — unknown

 — unknown

i like.
 — peacetonight

I like poetry with more poetic device than mere line breaks. I did find this to be an interesting narrative, but short on making me care about the girl. I can't see her.
 — unknown

 — unknown


would that be a severely unpoetic comment?
 — roy_p

Greatly amusing .Liked a lot especially the way you finished it off.

 — larrylark

Oh I liked this. It's just so sweet. I love the bit about the glasses and venus fly trap: that element is just so cool. I also very much adore the second last stanza; bless the sickies!
 — wendz

favorite worthy!
 — unknown

very nice.
: )
 — fractalcore

i think the last stanza is extremely corny, cheesy and very unlike you.
 — Rixes