poetry critical

online poetry workshop



we met on the internet
unknown

the young woman and i
 1
played scrabble
 2
in a cafe
 3
on the campus
 4
of a small college
 5
 
 
neither of us
 6
had put down a letter
 7
for some time
 8
 
 
our chins
 9
were on the table
 10
 
 
i reached my hand
 11
towards her face
 12
and tucked her hair
 13
behind her ears
 14
 
 
the clock said eight pm
 15
i had a three hour drive home
 16
and a five am roll call
 17
at the factory
 18
 
 
i hate sundays
 19
she said
 20
in a pouty voice
 21
 
 
i plucked her glasses
 22
from the top of her head
 23
and put them on
 24
 
 
you look like a
 25
venus fly trap
 26
through these things
 27
i joked
 28
 
 
i thought
 29
i was your lilac
 30
she said
 31
in that voice
 32
that always quivered my spine
 33
 
 
i stretched
 34
and looked out the window
 35
at the falling leaves
 36
and the darkness
 37
 
 
i flipped
 38
my cell phone
 39
open
 40
 
 
mr stevens
 41
this is justin
 42
i've been fighting this flu all weekend
 43
and its just getting worse
 44
i don't think i'm going to make it
 45
tomorrow
 46
 
 
you'll be the death of me
 47
i said
 48
and chased her out the door
 49
pinching her butt
 50
all the way to the dorm
 51

14 Nov 06

Rated 9.5 (7.7) by 2 users.
Active (2): 6, 9, 10
Inactive (11): 1, 1, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

L33's "quivered" is awkward.
L38 is confusing.

A fabulous write - makes me happy to be in college :)
 — WordsAndMe

This is "best" worthy.  Back for my second read.  Still love it and am truly impressed with your work, author.
 — WordsAndMe

Words,

Thanks for reading.

Justin.
 — fdostoev

this was a pleasing read.
 — wayoutwalt

not bad,
not bad at all.
 — unknown

i want to comment on this later...
 — balancing

that's one bruised butt she's going to have.

the parts that were good were intimate believablish. the parts that weren't were a sitcom that has to fill a full twenty minute slot and is struggling for material.

i liked the chins on the table.

22 to 28 has a good tearing tone the lilac riposte not.

in summary the blokes voice and actions were well enough drawn the woman's not.

she felt like a 2d fembot. i hoped she'd explode.

betty
 — unknown

teasing
 — unknown

i like.
 — peacetonight

I like poetry with more poetic device than mere line breaks. I did find this to be an interesting narrative, but short on making me care about the girl. I can't see her.
 — unknown

nice
 — unknown

Sexy!

would that be a severely unpoetic comment?
 — roy_p

Greatly amusing .Liked a lot especially the way you finished it off.

Larry
 — larrylark

Oh I liked this. It's just so sweet. I love the bit about the glasses and venus fly trap: that element is just so cool. I also very much adore the second last stanza; bless the sickies!
 — wendz

favorite worthy!
 — unknown

very nice.
: )
 — fractalcore

i think the last stanza is extremely corny, cheesy and very unlike you.
 — Rixes

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