| Art in Ghostly Images
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Isabelle5
| The walkway underneath the trees | 1 |
is tattooed with their tannic blood, | 2 |
impressed by leaves that feet press flat, | 3 |
releasing scent of dampened wood. | 4 |
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The sidewalk wears elegant art | 5 |
to make up for its cold and grey, | 6 |
reflecting skies in Autumn’s tide; | 7 |
the early darkness, waning light. | 8 |
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I wish to leave my own tattoo | 9 |
when my turn comes to give my blood; | 10 |
plant me beneath the full-leafed trees, | 11 |
pressed in the scent of camphored wood. | 12 |
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16 Nov 06 |
Rated 6.5 (6.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 5, 8
Inactive (0):
(define the words in this poem)
(236 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
What a beautiful picture this paints!
I would suggest the following to better enhance the picture though:
L1-Change underneath to beneath. If it's underneath the trees, then it's underground with the roots.
L2-I might use the word "inked" instead of tattoo for fear of it being redundant later in L9 when it reappears at the end.
L3-Change leaves that feet press flat to leaves that are pressed flat by feet. It will keep the "f" sound more kindred to the line itself.
L6-seems to be needing a subject to modify what is cold and gray; maybe "canvas?"
L8-I might flip around waning light with early darkness. Just switch places with these two so that it reads, "the waning light of early darkness."
L10-Change to "when it's my turn to give blood.
L11-I'm perplexed about it being autumn and yet the trees are fully leaved?" Why not bare? Naked? Stripped? Raped?&nb sp; In summer, they would be full-leafed trees.
You might consider an adverb here as in "fully."
L12-Press is redundant with IMpressed and pressed.
Camphored wood is beautiful!
We all start somewhere with a poem/idea and this is potentially awesome nature poetry. With a little tightening and some slight rearranging, there's no way this one can even miss the Top Rated #1 spot. It's gorgeous. I love it! Good job!
— starr
Oops...another thought...
How about L10 "when it's my time to give blood?" Beautiful poem, nonetheless from one of MY favorite poetesses.
— starr
"the sidewalk wears elegant art"
"I wish to leave my own tattoo"
These lines are simply divine.
Beautiful. New favorite.
--lacklusterrr
— unknown
Sure. Wonderful image, but where's the substance?
It's just a string of lovely-sounding words -- does that constitute poetry?
Also so, something more tangible, too many modifiers.
-ellebasi
— unknown
Thanks, Starr. I can't change underneath, it will interrupt the metre of this. If you didn't notice, all the lines have the same number of words. It's an 8 count.
Rats if you didn't notice it. I wanted a steady beat all the way through. This is my description of how the leaves at my apartment complex leave their image on the sidewalk.
— Isabelle5
yeshmmnice
just a coupla things...
L10-i'd suggest th'remooooval of the second "blood"
as it stands there seems t'be a connotation that
someone else alroody gave yer blood
also, the use of "wood" twice here seems ok t'me.
but not th'same fer "scent"...
anyhoooo
well done
— chuckles
I'm concerned that someone said this has no substance. Have you never seen leaves pressed into the sidewalk and tatooed there with their own sap?
— Isabelle5
The dampened wood is the scent of the leaves. The camphored wood is the coffin. I am not 'giving blood,' as to the Red Cross!
— Isabelle5
oops...
i meant remove the second "my"
"my bad"...
— chuckles
I also can't change things because, as I mentioned earlier, every line has 8 syllables and I don't want to mess that up.
— Isabelle5
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