| Abreast
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trochee
| I. | 1 |
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Lonely on the road | 2 |
I rest a glance on your eyes | 3 |
But you did not smile. | 4 |
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II. | 5 |
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I followed that glimpse; | 6 |
My shadow overshadowed | 7 |
when you changed the lane. | 8 |
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III. | 9 |
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My head to the phone; | 10 |
Every grain in the hourglass | 11 |
is now desperate. | 12 |
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18 Nov 06 |
Rated 5.7 (7.5) by 3 users.
Active (3): 1, 6, 10
Inactive (3): 6, 8, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(64 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
Nice. Very well done. Don't understand the title ...
— Dahlia
Hey Trochee, didn't realise it's you. This is very good!
— JustineCH
Thx Dahlia and Justine. You guys forgot to rate???
— trochee
That's because 'we' only rate when the title is explained :-)). Besides, shouldn't you be asleep?
— Dahlia
i work for americans so have a night shift. The previous title Bespeak meant "request: express the need or desire for" , "a signal for or a symptom of"
And abreast means "Side by side,along side" which i guess is more appropriate ?
— trochee
"i work for americans so have a night shift." This is hilarious.
Yes, Abreast is a much improved title. Written any more haiku?
— Dahlia
nopes this was the first attempt. I m glad you guys liked it.
— trochee
Did you read my first haiku?
— JustineCH
How many more times will you change this??!! :-) Not sure I see the connection of the 3rd with the first 2 ...
— JustineCH
Well all these are written for the same person. i saw her , she saw me ...i thought she would call me that night... alas ...she didnt.
— trochee
Aha! Did you call her though ... ? Small suggestion: My head TO the phone?
— JustineCH
Nopes I didnt ... though it helped me gettin a hang on the haiku style.
— trochee
Ah, you expect her to smile, you expect her to call, but you don't smile at her or call her, typical :p
And, line 11 counts 8 syllables if I'm not mistaken.
Overall, not to bad, but why write about these kind of things in a haiku? It's too complicated, haiku are meant to describe simple scenes.
— Enimie
Well, the girl was good for one thing then :-)
- Justine
— unknown
can i gripe annoyingly that they aren't technically haiku, since they aren't about nature? that said i really, really like the last one. Every grain in the hourglass/
is now desperate. that's genius. perfectly describes the agonizing nature of time. i'm a little jealous i didn't think of it first.
i don't like line 3... i rest a glance? :P
how about....my gaze rests on your eyes. and the tenses are off ('rest' is present, 'did not' is past).
honestly, i don't get the second one. :( your shadow overshadowed what? and do you mean glimpse as in 'that gaze'? or like a dream or a 'glimpse' into the future?
and i agree with justine; not sure how the first 2 connect with the third.
— balancing
i'm into extreme brevity with extreme feeling
when it comes to short written experiences
haiku make for good practice
each one written
will take you closer to
the perfect epitaph
— bettalpha
Thnx enimie, balancing, meep and bettalpha..
thnx for reading.
— trochee
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