poetry critical

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Ash Hole
starr

Any weapon
 1
would bring
 2
the ocean to boil:
 3
 
 
A
 4
fishbowl
 5
finale
 6
 
 
A tide
 7
dried
 8
red;
 9
 
 
hopes
 10
hearts
 11
dreams
 12
peace
 13
 
 
and anything else
 14
left for dead.
 15

20 Nov 06

Rated 10 (8.9) by 3 users.
Active (3): 8, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (12): 2, 6, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(225 more poems by this author)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

i really like this. so descriptive, with lots to think about. 6-8 is great.
 — popyelle

Well this is a good thoughtful poem .. but i really dont like the title.. it does not go well with the poem ...maybe jus call it 'Ash'. and line 1 is too descriptive compared to the remaning ones... i m sure this can be better and yes lines 6-8 are wonderful ... the imagery in that line is too strong and stands out from the rest of the poem. i guess u did a commendable job and u have not even used many words here.. i guess jus arround 15
 — trochee

Thanks 4 the comments, popyelle and trochee.  I changed the first line and altered the punctuation slightly.  Whaddayathink, guyz?  
 — starr

I love you're work.
You're such a hipster.

-lacklusterrr
 — unknown

This is great! one more lil suggestion... instead of the hyphen in line 3 try ":"

and a comma in line 9
 — trochee

You guyz rock!  Thanks!  Also, thanks 4 the nice compliment, lackluster, to my "hipster" status!  Peaceout, guyz.  
 — starr

Reminds me of http://images.overs tock.com/f/102/3117/8h/www.overstock.com/images/products/muze/boo ks/0553381636.jpg
 — unknown

3 do you need "a"
or do you mean pustule?
hmm maybe you do
very interesting concept#
i like it

7 to 16 is where the poem is for me
 — bettalpha

:)
 — varun

this is really good but I agree with the above about L3, it would sound better without "a"
 — marieF

Thanks, bettalpha, varun and marief.  I cut the "a" in L3 so that it reads, "would bring the ocean to boil."  :-)
 — starr

This couldnt have been better now. its sure gonna be top rated.
 — trochee

I really doubt this would be top rated bluck
 — MsNewBooty

Well, we'll watch and hope to prove you wrong, Msbootycall.
 — unknown

GREAT title!  Compelling subject matter too.  Thanks!
 — unknown

so true.  so scary too.
 — unknown

Try as I might, I've extreme difficulty catching elephants. Tigers are a piece of cake, you lure them with meat. And as soon as they get close enough, you shoot them. Opposums are a slightly more difficult matter, but when they seem dead, only a bullet to the head can guarentee it--they are good at acting. Children--they're the easiest of all. Lure them with candy and they'll forget all about what their parents and teachers told them about not accepting candy from strangers. It works--trust me. But elephants are a differenet matter entirely. They don't go for peanuts or PayDay bars like some may think. But my collection won't be complete until I have a stuffed elephant in my parlour. I've a stuffed tiger, oppossum, octopus, badger, mongoose, pheasant, child, rhino, sea cucumber, multiple cats and dogs, and a plethora of  other common creatures. I do desperatly need an elephant though. So, as a first step to solving this problem I went to the public library and searched with great effort for a book on poaching endangered spieces. What luck--the library didn't have one but they were able to call one in. So, I waited anxiously for at least a week, until the day I recieved a phone call from Wendy the librarian who said I could pick the book up. There were a number of techniques in the book, but many required more than one person to execute the plan, and I only have my dear Aunt Paula who would be more of a hinderance than a help. I do have friends yes, but they're unwilling to partake in such a risky, illegal endeavor. So, I decided I'd use the only technique that didn't involve illegal guns or a large group of people---the ash hole technique. I suppose I could have tested the technique before I tried it, but it sounded so surefire that I knew I couldn't fail.
It was rather early on a Sunday morning, and instead of going to church like usual, I got into my hunting uniform, including a pith helmet of course, and went out into the jungle behind my bungalow to look for an ideal space for my ash hole idea. When I found the location, which took no more than 3 hours to find, I was very much so tired. I knew I could have taken a rest, yet I decided against it because I wanted to finish the trap before an elephant saw me, which would ruin the whole plan. I quickly dug a hole, which was easy because the ground had few rocks and was rather moist. The hole took me only 2 hours to dig, which is fairly good considering I only got 2nd place in the Herkimer County Digging competion. I then, took the bag of ashes that I brought with me and filled the bottom of the hole with ashes--enough ashes to cover the bottom entirely. I then took the sack of peas I brought with me neatly places them around the top of hole. There were exactly 89 peas altogether--I know because I counted them three times to be sure. After my trap was set, I crouched behind a huge frond so as I couldn't be seen at all. It didn't take too long for an elephant to come to the scene, which is good because squating for long durations of time cuts off the circulation in my legs, especially when I wear my hunting knee high argyle socks.

The elephant very cautiously of course went up to the hole and looked inside as carefully as an oafish creature could. Thinking that nothing or nobody was around to harm him, it then took a pea with its trunk, so as to put it into it's mouth. With my blood rushing and with great excitement I ran up behind the elephant and kicked him in the rear, which caused the elephant to go head first into the ash hole. I followed the instructions exactly how they ordered me to do it, "when the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole"--but I had a problem. It didn't say how to remove the confused elephant from the hole. My dear aunt Paula would be of little help, and my friends were afraid of elephants, so I just left the elephant there to suffer and die a slow death--which is actually a horrible thing to have happen, because he would have made an excellent edition to my parlour. Being rather disappointed about all of this, I'd even forgot to return the library book, so now I owe  14 dollars and 98 cents. I guess my collection will have to be incomplete for now--unless someone of course has a better suggestion on how to catch and elephant? 10/10
 — Henry

how about cutting line 2 like so:

the right weapon
would bring
the ocean to boil:

i think that would fit nicely with the rest.

though, i'm still contemplating the importance of the first three lines.
 — varun

I like your style. It's tough 4 me 2 see poems in their intended format since I'm using a cell phone but I can easily follow your train of thought it seems. Must be a New England thang lol. Thanx again.
 — www922

varun stop commenting on what other people are comenting on bluck on you
 — MsNewBooty

Varun, thanks.  I readjusted the first 3 lines per your excellent sugggestion and www922, yeah...it's a New England "thang!" LOL.  It's GOTTA be!
 — starr

Henry, I want whatever it is you're smoking.
 — starr

Lol
 — trochee

This poem is about a nuclear war, so the first three lines pertain to what kind of weapon would do this to the ocean.  Hope this helps with the translation.  
 — starr

Henry, in your elephant story...paragraph 3, L11, spelling error.  Should be "addition" not "edition" to your collection.  
 — starr

Just messin' with ya, Henry.  I LIKED your elephant story.  I still want some of what you're smoking though.  
 — starr

I went to see what's new with you.
I'd missed you, hehe!
Great work Starr, you're on a war kick right now eh?!
I love your fish bowl, AMAZING description.
Well done my friend,
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

Thanks, Jen!!!  Happy Turkey Day!!!  I saluted you on the Message Board and a few of my other P.C. buddies!  I'll email you over the weekend.  Hope you had a good trip.  Love, Starr  p.s.  Yeah...I'm on a war kick!!!  Heehee.
 — starr

You suck more cuz you don't have the balls to go public, faggot ass.
 — starr

AND my poems probably do better than yours do anyway, so you're also probably just jealous and can't deal.  Oh no...I hate myself.  I'm gonna go bust a mirror and leave unknown messages for people I don't know.  Loser.  Get a life and some self-esteem.  Maybe a partner you can take out your frustrations on and beat up instead???  I don't know.  There's therapy 4 sad cases like you.  Go smoke some more weed.   You'll feel better.
 — starr

lmfao wow you ppl are so......whats the word for it ummmmmm dumb
 — MsNewBooty

and btw id have to fukin aggree wit yo starr yo is on fire.....
 — MsNewBooty

I take that back, MsBooty.  I thought you were callin' ME dumb.  Forgive me.  I'm sorry.
 — starr

It's sometimes difficult to interpret tones and messages on this site.  Again, I apologize.  I hope I didn't offend you.
 — starr

Lol.
 — trochee

He's laughin' again!  LOL
 — starr

apocalypse now
 — crocophant

This is just boring.
 — unknown

Well then why don't u write something that's not boring, submit it and see if you hit the #1 Recent Best poem.  That's what I did.  
 — starr

naw starr none taken i wasent callin yo that at all lmao and i love the ms bootycall lmao nice....
 — MsNewBooty

yo yall wanna hear ma emo poem fo' yo huh ima post it
 — MsNewBooty

Thinking of ways to hurt some one
My mind is so adverse
I can not see the light of day
My life is full of darkness
the only thing that pleases me ,
is the pain of a knife on my wrists
I push tha blade as hard as I can
I watch the blood drip down my arm
feeling like I cam mever die
I see my life flash before me
Darkness overcomes me as light fades



yo tha shit aint done yet but its a good start dont yo think
 — MsNewBooty

Word up, Ms. Booty!  Peaceout.  :-)  Thanks 4 the props on my poem.
 — starr

starr do you like this poem so far or do yo tink it sucks ???????
 — MsNewBooty

Bolgna, what kind of comment was that? I found it rather rude, unnessacary and horrid. Actually, I found your comment 'anus'.

Question:: How can anything in writing be 'anus'? Anus is another word for your buttocks, thus how can writing be a butt? I don't know how that works, but obviously you do, Bolgna. Please explain.

MsNewBooty, that poem was very realistic and it had quite the depth. I can't wait to see the finished product. Thanks for the preview. >.-
 — Nerezza

Where did you pick up yr vernacular MNB? You sound juvenile.
 — unknown

that be ma nick name eva seince tha song came out
 — MsNewBooty

Please stop singing then!
 — unknown

Can we get back to the poem here and stop monopolizing this poet's creative space?  Post your own poem somewhere else.  This poem is brilliant.
 — unknown

i wasent singing duh
 — MsNewBooty

Bologna, why are you even on here?? Why don't you just leave? It is clear to me that you aren't here to critique poems or give insight. All you do is flood the commentary with rude comments. Spam...that is what you are posting. And might I ask why each time someone asks you a question or replies to you personally, you resort to perversive language? Finger-sniffer I am not - unless I got my raspberry perfume on them - perhaps you are? Perhaps that is why you must call others these untrue names....because you, yourself, are one and don't want to be a 'Club of One'.
 — Nerezza

I agree Nerezza. Why is it that Bologna is here? I've only been a member for a day and out of all the poems I've read and have seen their comments, I have read the profanity and 'SPAM' nature in them. What is the point?
 — allure

MNB is a biatch
-pickles
 — unknown

who's that? Pickles? I LOVE PICKLES!! *eats person*
 — Blonde

wha eva you just jellous stating yo shit that i is a biathch wha eva wit yo noncence
 — MsNewBooty

Now why would you say that, Pickles? I don't think MNB is a 'biatch'. Perhaps you are? STOP SPAMMING EVERYONE!!!! (thanks)
 — Nerezza

The title caught my attention and I almost didn't read it.  I thought it was one of those obscene, nowhere poems.  Then I came in and it gave me the chills.  Very scary, but very, very good.  Thank you.
 — unknown

interesting...i didn't even guess that this one was yours. clicked on random and a cool little poem came up. nicely stressed, quick cut images that ride the tide all the way to the end.
 — DeformedLion

interesting title.  nice poem.  I really like lines 1-16.
 — JKWeb

Thanks, Lion and J.K.!  Glad u dig it, brothas!  :-)
 — starr

nice one
 — unknown

great imagery and worked like the maestro you are becoming
 — larrylark

Thanks unk. and Larry "Fish 'n Chips" Lark!  :-)
 — starr

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