| A Solicitation to My Bed Sheet
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trochee
| I solicit the days when I slept with dreams | 1 |
Under You: | 2 |
who smell of murmurs and dust, | 3 |
smeared hopes and dead cells | 4 |
came off when I wiped my cheeks | 5 |
with the back of my wrist. | 6 |
A few eyelashes that have decomposed | 7 |
are still wrapped in those cotton stitches, | 8 |
mites who bore the burden of my arms | 9 |
bred on the sodium of my tears, | 10 |
you cocooned me in December skies | 11 |
to yield silky dreams with lice, | 12 |
hid me from eight legged nightmares | 13 |
and the 6’o clock foe – the sun. | 14 |
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Shared my bed and outlined my skin | 15 |
give me the best sex I ever had again. | 16 |
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Accept this solicitation for my sake | 17 |
I promise, I'll never wash you | 18 |
and make you ache. | 19 |
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21 Nov 06 |
Rated 9 (9) by 5 users.
Active (5): 1, 7, 7, 10, 10
Inactive (4): 9, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(68 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
this is great.
probably one of the best things i've seen on here.
— notetoself
Trochee! i think this is one of your better poems.
— unknown
I was slightly grossed out all the way through but I like it in spite of my dirty sheet hating self!
It's funny and droll. If we ever meet, warn me so I can bring my 10 foot pole, please! hahahaha
— Isabelle5
Very good poem, I like it!
I would like to say though that I don't think tears should be used twice.
I believe that omitting "dried tears" in line 3 would serve you well since the removal of dead cells from wiping your cheeks indicates tears anyway.
You could then use the very moving L10 with much more confidence and affect.
I would remove the word "made" in line 10 as well.
A space between L10,11 might work nice maybe?
I think a semicolon is in need at the end of line 17.
Lastly, you really must get rid of all the caps that start each line, it's very distracting!! I know, Word is annoying for that, drives me nuts.
very nice, thanks,
Jen-
— jenakajoffer
trochee,
were you annoyed by my overbearing comments?
I'm sorry, but the more I read this, the more I believe that removing "dried tears" would considerably improve this. You're saying too much, the wiping of cheeks says it beautifully!
Again, i hope i didn't offend you with my ignorant yet genuine suggestions.
Jen-
— unknown
Not at allllllll Jen... i appreciate your comments ... hence the change. :-)
— trochee
oh good. I had offered you an 8 but now I'm changing it to a 10.
Jen-
— jenakajoffer
Thx!
— trochee
hi troch,
came back to this for an interesting and familiar read.
I still like this a lot.
But I found another thing(s) to bother you about, (sorry!).
Gotta get rid of the witches, by that I mean "which"s (L2&7)
Do the "days" you solicit for, smell of murmurs and dust etc.?
because I'm getting the idea that the sheets are supposed to smell of those things.
L3: "which" doesn't work after the colon in L2 and especially when you go on to say, ugh...lemme show you what i mean.
"I solicit for the days when I slept with dreams
under you:
sheets smelled of murmurs and dust,
smeared hopes and dead cells..."
L7: "a few eyelashes, decomposed,
still wrapped in those cotton stitches..."
ugh, I'm so annoying.
But do you see what I mean buddy?
Jen-
— jenakajoffer
its not the days.. its the sheet which smells.
by the way changed the first line frm "I solicit for those.." to "I solicit the days .."
witches are gone too.... i think now it gives a personality to it..
on the contrary it was really sweet of you Jen. Lemme know if its still confusing ?
— trochee
This poem ROCKS, Trochee! Awesome writing and btw...thanks so much for the help with the photo question I had asked last week. I'ma try it out. Be blessed, brotha.
— starr
I like the minutiae of it.
— opal
Thx Jen, starr and opal. Your attention is encouraging.
— trochee
I like that you dropped "for" in the 1st line.
I strongly believe that your 5 w's can be a weakness.
"which smell",
"who smell",
no w's!
I didn't mean to write "sheets smell"; my mistake. I was trying to think of sheets when reading the next line, but what I meant was:
"the" smell of..."
I will not pick at you again, I promise!
Even if you don't change that "w", I will still like your poem.
Happy V-day,
Jen-
— jenakajoffer
thx yet again Jenny. u dont have to feel guilty about it.. you are serving the purpose of this website. besides you are the only one who seems to be interested in my poems ..especially this one.. and i admire tht. my last two poems have not even been sniffed...so chill.
anyways ... i got rid off some more "w"s but still the "w" sound remains predominant.
— trochee
I just read your two newest poems but have no time comment right now.
I will make a point of it soon.
I know it's a drag sometimes when you don't have people reading,
take care,
Jen-
— unknown
Thnx jen
— trochee
this made my skin crawl a little, but kudos for the real results
— addagirl
I need to wash my sheets. Poem made me itchy. 10, beautiful, I thank you.
— OKcomputer
Oh wow thanks addagirl and OKC.
Alas! that bed sheet is gone though :(
— trochee
you and larry been teaming up together about head lice and bed mites -- wondrous imaginative and a Love Poem after all
— AlchemiA
still great troch,
=-)
— jenakajoffer
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