| Paper Doll Who Walked on Water
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Isabelle5
| Remember when we walked | 1 |
upon the water? It was a night | 2 |
as clear as new-spun glass when | 3 |
you smiled at me and asked, | 4 |
“My love, shall we try?” | 5 |
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My answer was a kiss upon your cheek. | 6 |
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We stepped out boldly, danced the Salsa | 7 |
on the tips of breaking waves, | 8 |
holding each other up | 9 |
by the power of our gaze. | 10 |
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We heard the Moon and stars applaud, | 11 |
as the sky went golden, just before the dawn, | 12 |
as you yawned and sank me like a stone. | 13 |
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Waking lifetimes later, | 14 |
with cold sand upon my lips, | 15 |
your name pounding in my mind, | 16 |
it seemed a dream until I saw | 17 |
your footsteps, leading back to sea. | 18 |
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I walk alone now, well back from the waves, | 19 |
(my courage gone beneath the foam), | 20 |
watching for shadows dancing far below. | 21 |
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22 Nov 06 |
Rated 7.5 (8.4) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 8
Inactive (5): 7, 8, 9, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(274 more poems by this author)
(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
sweet...sad but sweet
i love the title
and L11 is my favorite
— unknown
hmm i like this! there are some really sweet lines like line 3, line 10, 15 i think the poem takes on life gradually which gives a nice flow. a good but sad ending. I find the constant refernce to self with "I" in almost every stanza a bit disturbing. need a lil bit editing. good one though.
— trochee
ohh i didnt realize it was youuuuuuuuuuu Isabelle.
— trochee
I liked the poem. The rhythm threw me in a couple of spots as I coudn't tell if you were trying to rhyme or not or in some place but not others in a discernable pattern. It leaves me with a haunted lonely kind of feeling and I could see the beach as the person walks along watching for the shadows.
— Badness
this is very well done I love how you wrote this (8)
— Phoenix567
I like this . It is somehow so touching and it reminded me to feed my piranha's.
Larry mermaid bait Lark
— larrylark
Thank you all for the comments. I've made some corrections, gotten rid of a good bit of the I's.
— Isabelle5
This blew me away, this has a topic that differs from my taste in writing but I\'ve got to say I really liked this. I loved line 2-3
=) Arson =)
— XxArsonxX
Oh yeah I forgot to rate this, Hmmm. Well Im going with a honest decision, Im going to give you a 10. I find it that this is by far one of my favorites.
Good job, I cant stress that enough.
— XxArsonxX
Pardon this simple and somewhat immature comment, but I think this poem is totally cool! Love the concept. It's so well-written.
— Andiam
The poem has some great lines (i.e. "danced the salsa on the tips of breaking waves" -but overall it needs to get rid of cliche lines like "lifetimes later" "I walk alone" etc. And get rid of "upon" it sounds contrived and archaic. Great potential, shows some talent.
— unknown
i like the flavor and imagery... sweeet
— emiliminy
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