poetry critical

online poetry workshop


Lying on languid layers of luxurious love,
I can’t seem to get out of bed--
Not wanting to leave the comfort and warmth of
Every fiber, so smooth, clean and crisp like
New lillies in April—fragrant breeze of a
Spring morning.

30 Oct 03

Rated 10 (7.5) by 1 users.
Active (1): 9, 10
Inactive (13): 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10

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(233 more poems by this author)

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Well, Martha, welcome to Poetry Critical!

I want to go back to bed and smell my sheets. Downy and Fab Rain Forest - mmmm.
 — Isabelle5

What's an Acrostic?
 — Isabelle5

This is good but maybe you could continue the alliterations throughout the poem?Good writing. -Sam
 — unknown

Isabelle...read down the first letter of each line.
 — unknown

Ah! How very cool that is!
 — Isabelle5

I see your website is for sale. No shit...haha.
 — unknown

This is awful. "languid layers of luxurious love"? God help us all.
 — unknown

Its nice, its textural.(textural?)
i like languid etc;;it's gorgeous.


 — unknown

Sometimes writing like this can
Hinder your thoughts
If you try to make
The first letters read down to form a word
 — unknown

Never liked this form. The first line uses way to many descriptives, most of them trite. The rest of your language is flowery and not very compelling.
Here's mine:

Lying on love,
I stay abed;
naked in warmth,
each thread like
new skin-
smells of nostalgia.
 — Kardiac8

Yes... I like your "Linens" better than mine, Kardiac. Props to you. Thanks for the "SHIT" offering, too. It humbles me.
 — aforbing

Sorry about that--it wasn't nice. I just thought the poem needed some work.
 — unknown

I guess I thought you needed to be humbled...looks like it worked! :)
 — unknown

Hmmm. Curious. I would suggest a more compelling story, perhaps ditch the acrostic aspect and compel the speaker to get up and then this resistance maks more sense. The first few lines are well-written, but the end defies our expectations. :( I agree that the acrostic nature disrupts your rhythmic feel and slightly hinders overall communication.

 — zepplin42

aka, the "SHIT" argument?
 — unknown

 — zepplin42

yeah that is the best poem i have ever seen in my LIFE!!


 — unknown

You know what, aforbing, in spite of my earlier "SHIT" argument, I do like this better now. However, lines 4 and 5 read like a commercial for new and improved Tide Laundry Detergent.
 — unknown

hmm, at first, it was so smooth i didn't realize i was reading an acrostic, until i reread the whole thing. nice work here! as cheesy as it may seem, i enjoyed the alliterations as well *wink*

 — essenie

wink? This is ok, sweet. You use leave in two consecutive lines and that bothered me. Yes, a laundry advert, I agree. You could make money out of that kinda thing...
 — Minx

This works. It is what it is, sweet, straightforward.
 — ka

Should the first word of l4 be "every"?
 — zepplin42





 — unknown

Yes--see the "SHIT" argument in the comments above...
 — unknown

are you great or shatole
 — unknown

Haha. I love it.
 — Jsmiles05

i have no idea what were writing about so, yay im being weird... hey im looking for some poems, this is so not helping, ahhh i hate school, this sucks, why do you have to do work at school and tell teachers the answers to things, dont you think they should know the answer to become a teacher!!! im going surfing, cyas
 — unknown

I agree u do sound like Martha Stewart or maybe a bounty commercial with line 4.
 — dmu_96

i mean Bounce commercail.
 — dmu_96

Well...this poem is very....good! I like how it just....flows!
 — red87rokr06

 — silly

this was too pseudo-intellectual for me.
it's like you were trying to wow us with big words, but haven't really told us anything.  cut back on some of these 10 gallons words and perhaps you've got something here.  It's good, but it's verbose.
 — unknown

Indeed. See the "SHIT" argument above.
 — unknown

Exactly what is the point of cutting and pasting my words from your poem and putting them here on MY poem?  Is that a strategy of sorts???
Please... enlighten me.
 — aforbing

*hugs aforbing* It's okay..I'll still marry you if you want me. =] I appreciate you..
 — unknown

I did the cutting and pasting because i wanted you to see that

words like "factitious" "macabre" and "psalm"
for me
are like "languid" and "chasm" and "sienna"
for you.

You choose your words carefully
and they are beautiful
so i wanted you to know
i choose my words carefully, too
and i get hurt
when i am called a pseudo-intellectual
and i bridle when someone who slings verbiage
as well as i
belittles me.

I am not the author of the "SHIT" acrostic
just so you know.
i may be vindictive at times
but i'm not coarse
or cowardly
like that.

your poems are much too good
for that sort of stuff

 — noodleman

A word for each letter in bushido
 — unknown

I got to love it all over again.  Another Down(e)y moment!
 — Isabelle5

i love random ... i never know where i'll end up
luxurious love is a little ... well ... sappy ... but i think that's the point (or rather, the round). i would like to see better endings on 3, 4 and 5 ... then pass this on to someone you want to share that bed with .......
 — Bloodfetish

i would replace love in 1 with linen. or a word that means love but isn't love, because love in line 1 will put a judge off (i imagine)

the break between 3 and 4 needs looking at too (ie: what fletty said)

basically i really like this. Great title. Very eyecatching. linen is definitely a crispy-baked apple-pie word.

it's also a real contrast to onion, which i think will get you noticed.

best of luck with your final choice.
 — kaleidazcope

ps. and i wouldn't capitalise the acrostiche. make it a subtle addition to the words, that if they're clever they will notice and if they're not, aren't worthy of judging poems in the first place.

I'e wrap the sentance as you would in prose.

pps. sane people probably don't listen to me
 — kaleidazcope

Thanks for your thoughtfelt comments!  They are appreciated.
 — aforbing

its alright
 — infinity

Great Poem. Im sure u had fun writing it. I like it.
 — unknown

love the title, hate the poem.
 — unknown

(I read one of your poems, so this is much better!)

I like L4-6. it has that homey feel to it that wants more.

good job with this one. much better then that other I read.

the best part I like though is ":new lillies in april:"!
 — misterpoet

This is so cool!
 — unknown

Ah, a random breath of clean fresh air!  Hi, A!
 — Isabelle5

It was my Random Poem today. I know you posted it ions ago, but it's really lovely. I like the rhyme of love with of. Of isn't rhymed with too often because you always find it in the middle of a sentence instead of at the end. Clever.
 — NeighborDi

i really like this one
i think just about everyone can relate although, depending on the fabric softener, it could smell like mountain breeze or fresh roses or sunflowers ect lol
 — onesandzeros

every fiber, so smooth, smelling like crisp and clean like good good part, a commercial sound
 — bykguy2000

ahh, the alliteration at the beginning stalled me in reading this. languid + luxurious is weird, but i somehow liked the contrast. the new lilies in april was good. "spring" doesn't need to be capitalized. i like this a lot, though. really ethereal, really pretty.
 — radiogirl

beautiful imagery, it really makes me lull back to sleep.
 — 17love

What nice alliteration and gorgeous imagery in this fine acrostic poem that touches all the senses. 10
 — SilverGirl

but what does this say
 — stout

doesn't it say in wording what a feeling of merging feels like? isn't the constant of 'fragrant' breeze 'nature', here -- a kind and comforting nature. suppose you were religious, you'd say that god was everywhere. or, if, better, you were a poet, you'd say that poetry carried and brought you inside the patterns.
 — cadmium

Do you realize that people are suffering?
 — percocet

NOTHING!  how will those sheets feel when the zombie SS digs out from under your shitter?  
 — percocet

I like you a lot.... No Joke.  The flow of comfort in the first line disarms me and makes me defensive-  So, You're a smart ass mother fucker.  
 — percocet