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where you settle, i will make my home
crista_lee

in late september
 1
i was thinking about
 2
where the crickets were hiding
 3
come last summer,
 4
the verdict in
 5
your faith in Stockholm,
 6
and the shards of sympathy
 7
buried in your neighbor's backyard
 8
 
 
i was thinking about
 9
the uncertainty in your side step
 10
and the caricature of
 11
your absence from daytime tv
 12
upon dancing on scattered light bulbs
 13
where our lives still intertwine
 14
 
 
at breakfast time
 15
some light years ahead of
 16
you and i
 17
the headlines that read:
 18
"where you settle,
 19
i will make my home"
 20
make me want to weep during love making
 21
the night the air conditioner broke
 22
and search for my soul in crude animation
 23
 
 
and yes,
 24
the floor will be yours
 25
and we will have breached infinity
 26

1 Dec 06

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Comments:

on my first read-through i enjoyed this immensely. i will return soon and comment with more substance!
 — ilikeblue

This is actually rather good. I'm impressed. It establishes a time and mood very quickly, then almost as quickly introduces definite characters. Very important, because it gives context to everything.

The only real problem with I have with this piece is that while the details give it personality, sometimes it's a little much. Some of the details seem slightly false, or more accurately, unnecessary. Not that they may (or may not) actually have happened, but that they don't lend enough to the mood to justify them being there.

For example, l22; the air conditioner broke. Fine, but what does that add to the narrator wanting to weep or the soul's animation? Not a lot to me, but it does distract from the rest. Ll11-12 are the same for me.

Just for your consideration. Otherwise, well done.
 — dandy

i like this.
 — unknown

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