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where you settle, i will make my home

in late september
i was thinking about
where the crickets were hiding
come last summer,
the verdict in
your faith in Stockholm,
and the shards of sympathy
buried in your neighbor's backyard
i was thinking about
the uncertainty in your side step
and the caricature of
your absence from daytime tv
upon dancing on scattered light bulbs
where our lives still intertwine
at breakfast time
some light years ahead of
you and i
the headlines that read:
"where you settle,
i will make my home"
make me want to weep during love making
the night the air conditioner broke
and search for my soul in crude animation
and yes,
the floor will be yours
and we will have breached infinity

1 Dec 06

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on my first read-through i enjoyed this immensely. i will return soon and comment with more substance!
 — ilikeblue

This is actually rather good. I'm impressed. It establishes a time and mood very quickly, then almost as quickly introduces definite characters. Very important, because it gives context to everything.

The only real problem with I have with this piece is that while the details give it personality, sometimes it's a little much. Some of the details seem slightly false, or more accurately, unnecessary. Not that they may (or may not) actually have happened, but that they don't lend enough to the mood to justify them being there.

For example, l22; the air conditioner broke. Fine, but what does that add to the narrator wanting to weep or the soul's animation? Not a lot to me, but it does distract from the rest. Ll11-12 are the same for me.

Just for your consideration. Otherwise, well done.
 — dandy

i like this.
 — unknown