poetry critical

online poetry workshop

before i ever wrote shitty poems.

i was
a young bank examiner
drunk beyond repair
in downtown chicago.
i'm going to the ghetto,
i said
in a cavalier tone
to the other
drunk examiners
at the rush street bar.
i stumbled north
where the broken pavement
of open sewers and
the homeless
were putting down for the night
in bus stops and
the street vendor
sold me a fifth
of whiskey and
let me piss
behind his car,
don't get lost
around here,
he called after me.
a shattered
black woman
sat on the steps
of a rotting
she whispered
and patted the space
beside her.
put her arm
my shoulders.
for twenty dollars
we could go
and i could do
all i wanted
was to talk
for a bit
get to know
her view
of the world.
she looked at me
like i'd just
shit in her lap
and said
if we wasn't gonna fuck
get the hell on cause
she had mouths
to feed.

3 Dec 06

Rated 10 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 3
Inactive (26): 1, 1, 1, 1, 6, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(86 more poems by this author)

(14 users consider this poem a favorite)

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excellent work
 — unknown

thanks for reading.

 — fdostoev

Depressing as hell.

But right on the money with what a lot of people are going through.

Well done, Justin.
 — unknown

Stupid. Just like that stupid piece of shit Donald Tetto.
 — unknown

not bad,

but the ending is a bit dense.

I think you can trim it.
 — unknown

not bad,

but the ending is a bit dense.

I think you can trim it.

9, ten if you shore up the ending.
 — unknown

I don't live in this world, but oh my this was stark and shivered my spine.  You sir are a poet of high regard.

 — unknown

thats great
sharp and honest
 — danni

very awesome!
 — mister9a

A bleak view. But totally convincing. Well done.
 — smugzy

I love the Ending! It's perfect.
 — FolleRouge

This is wonderful, the lonliness is felt wholly.  The ending I agree is perfect.
 — unknown

if this were displayed horizontally, it would be seen as far less. the trick behind most of your poems is the surprising last line and the more innocent lines that trap the reader's expectations.
 — unknown

Into the heart of darkness Mr. Kurtz.
 — stephenwbd

very good stuff, i like the secretary thing.  got me thinking.  i might do one like this straight away.
 — mmoneypenny

excellent poem
 — Food4DSoul

Aw, I liked the first other title better.  stilll amazing.
 — MEB

whats the big deal???  your game and tactics are up
 — unknown

 — ProzacNation

This is so rugged but it just flows like paint right down the page.  I can picture this entire scene.
 — Isabelle5

Justin!  You really have some depth and diversity in your poems, have to give you that.  

 — Isabelle5

it's another great poem
 — kendell

very bukowski - nice.  but one question: why "sexes" in line 38?
 — guy_fawkes


thanks for reading.

"sexes" is what she said.  i think she was sudanese and her english wasn't all that great.

 — unknown

Awesome slice of truth from da street.  Excellent!  :-)  
 — starr

p.s.  I hope that lasagna doesn't still taste like soap.  :-O
 — starr

Very sharp, tense and uncomfortable.  Well, well done.
 — sybarite

very powerful.
 — dismantleme

This would make an interesting short film, and it makes an excellent write.
 — Lochsawl

This resembles an attempt at literature more than it does a poem.
 — Fox

Not all poems can be literature fox,
but all literature can be poems
 — unknown

Absolutely amazing.
 — andyleggett

i love this
 — itisawyatt

 — Patch