poetry critical

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HOW IT WILL HAPPEN, WHEN
DorianneLaux

There you are, exhausted from another night of crying,
 1
curled up on the couch, the floor, at the foot of the bed,
 2
anywhere you fall you fall down crying, half amazed
 3
at what the body is capable of, not believing you can cry
 4
anymore. And there they are: his socks, his shirt, your
 5
underwear, and your winter gloves, all in a loose pile
 6
next to the bathroom door, and you fall down again.
 7
Someday, years from now, things will be different:
 8
the house clean for once, everything in its place, windows
 9
shining, sun coming in easily now, skimming across
 10
the thin glaze of wax on the wood floor. You'll be peeling
 11
an orange or watching a bird leap from the edge of the rooftop
 12
next door, noticing how, for instance, her body is trapped
 13
in the air, only a moment before gathering the will to fly
 14
into the ruff at her wings, and then doing it: flying.
 15
You'll be reading, and for a moment you'll see a word
 16
you don't recognise, a simple word like cup or gate or wisp
 17
and you'll ponder like a child discovering language.
 18
Cup, you'll say over and over until it begins to make sense,
 19
and that's when you'll say it, for the first time, out loud: He's dead.
 20
He's not coming back, and it will be the first time you believe it.
 21

3 Dec 06

Rated 10 (7.9) by 5 users.
Active (5): 8, 10
Inactive (18): 1, 1, 1, 3, 6, 7, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(8 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

nice poem.

line 20 typo.

v.
 — unknown

  I love this very much. It reads smoothly, with total confidence and conviction. You have created something very immediate and emotional, with just the right distance.

Lines 8-11 'the house clean for once' - could totally relate to this!
Lines 11-15 Image of the bird is perfect and revealing, as well as being very beautiful.

Lines 16-19 Again, I can totally relate to this. I think things like that.

Lines 20-21 Typos at end of line 20 by the way! Otherwise, very forceful and poignant end to the poem, made stronger by the previous lines about reading.

I really like this a lot. Well done.
 — smugzy

He'ls dead?
 — unknown

a really powerful poem - beautifully illustrated
 — kendell

what is this prose?
work on the organization. you need it badly.
 — unknown

An 8 because of the ending, you saved it there.
 — MEB

This reads a little too fast paced for me. It's supposed to span quite some time, the pace should feel slower. Perhaps create some time stops with one small sentence placed here or there, instead of so many run-ons (I like the way it read, it just didn't seem to fit entirely). The rest is perfect.
 — Ananke

aww....what a powerful conclusion! I felt this. Definately a fav (I know, I'm horrible, I have been adding too many to my favs, but I really think this one should go there. I love it. *reads a couple more times*)
 — Nerezza

Can you make some line breaks and white space to indicate passing of time?  It's rather jumbled up this way.  You have a lot of images of things present and to come but they need to be separated, perhaps.

You have too many commas.  Where you use the word 'and' as a connector, you do not need a comma.  You need to change this from nearly a run-on sentence to something defined, the present, the past, the future.  The way it's written, it gives no solemnity to the sudden realization of his death, although I do sense the breathlessness, a sense of trying to outrun reality.

Imc
 — Isabelle5

not bad, i like the format, it keeps a lot hidden until you need to see it

and ironically enough, my responce to the piece is the title

just for that it is going in my fav's
 — kronah_kcmg

astounding
 — unknown

nice poem.
: )
 — fractalcore

Very nicely done
 — themolly

this is brilliant.




the void between language and reality is wonderfully bridged



st3ntorian
 — unknown

wonderful cadence, crescendo. until about line 17

then it caves in on its own telling.

thanks
 — unknown

a very powerful write that seems so easy yet each observation, each realEYEsation come of tears 'n laughter having strained 'n stretched your heart to this understanding writ in Wonder -- well done!
 — AlchemiA

Beatiful;beautifully written. Lovely work, moving read.
 — crimsonkiss

great insightful work, intense and composed elegantly.
 — syrossoul

This is incredibly powerful and intimate.  Fine, fine job combining the two.  I absolutely love the pace and then the sudden stop.  Wow, really and truly impressed with this.  Nice job.
 — sybarite

i love this so much. the last few lines pull the entire piece together beautifully.
 — silentspring

recognize is generally preferred over recognise, as a hard consonant vs. a soft consonant.

A powerful subject, but your form here is in trouble.  The first thing you notice when you see it is the a wall of text.  The second; its prose.  The line breaks are as far as I can tell simply testaments to the length of the line.  The third is that its not very tight prose, there is a lot of cutting to do, and your sentences tend to run on.

So I think for a re-edit, try to find an appropriate form and add sonic patterns, and reword every sentence with your tone and the power and effectiveness of each word in mind.  Where you can, try to remove your -ings, it tends to make the poem more active.
 — technomancer

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