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Lighthouse
nightengale

I see the light shining through the fog.
 1
I see the sign of the lighthouse,
 2
This signal draws me to the banks
 3
where safety sings my name.
 4
Safety from the storm that follows.
 5
 
 
God, please forgive.
 6
Your wrath is blinding the stars in their brilliance,
 7
my guides when man's map fails.
 8
The moon no longer smiles down on my sturdy ship.
 9
Only dark clouds gather above.
 10
 
 
But thank you, God,
 11
for the lighthouse that illuminates the water,
 12
my path to salvation from the
 13
deep,
 14
murky
 15
sea.
 16

Is it worth revising?

8 Dec 06


(define the words in this poem)
(7 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

Of course it is worth revising!
I love the concept of this poem -- just a few suggestions:

Consider making the lines longer...the breaks seem a tad choppy; connecting certain lines (example=L7-L8) would improve the flow of the poem.
For example, you could work with something like this:

I see the light shining through the fog.
I see the sign of the lighthouse,
the signal that draws me to the banks
where safety sings my name.
Safety from the storm that follows.

God, please forgive.
Your wrath is blinding the stars in their brilliance:
my guides when man's map fails.
The moon no longer smiles down on my sturdy ship.
Only dark clouds gather above.

But thank you, God
for the lighthouse that illuminates the water,
my path to salvation from the
deep,
murky
sea.

"Safety from the storm that follows." is a fragment...
I don't think there should be a comma after guides in L14...
L17 should be "smiles"
L21 should not have a comma

I am looking forward to seeing what you come up with! Feel free to ignore any or all of my corrections, and good luck!
 — ilikeblue

Thanks! I liked what your suggestion about changing the flow of the poem- advice taken! I tend to write choppy...What was your interpretation about the symbolism of the lighthouse? I am interested if people had the same interpretation of the poem as I did.
julia
 — nightengale

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