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romance
aurelius

oh but for one courageous romance
 1
to slip its slender fingers 'round my neck
 2
and press; some dangerous
 3
dancing thing, like wreckage ashes
 4
in the wind,
 5
but softer than a baby's skin,
 6
one wicked lingering wink
 7
to sneak, in prayer,
 8
across a face:
 9
hail mary full of grace
 10
 
 
i'd give my pennies and my pride
 11
to learn the nature of my bride.
 12
 
 
oh but for one innocuous touch
 13
to tingle and tease along my arm
 14
and burn; burn as hot
 15
as all the coals
 16
on the devil's cellar floor,
 17
but cool enough for more.
 18
one swift, delicious kiss
 19
to steal itself upon these cynic's lips:
 20
beware the scale that tips...
 21
 
 
i'd give the boatman both my coins
 22
to know which soul with mine conjoins
 23
 
 
oh, oh, oh but for one improper saga
 24
with a vicious, wistful firefly
 25
who laughs like the trembling
 26
of mortals at gods
 27
at the mark, the get set,
 28
and go.  the swaying of church
 29
bells to and fro.
 30
a gentle, gorgeous paradox
 31
to upon me like a storm
 32
descend, and whisper:
 33
give me my sin again.
 34
 
 
i'd give the angels back their wings
 35
for all these impossible, perilous things.
 36

16 Dec 06

Rated 9 (8.4) by 4 users.
Active (4): 8, 10
Inactive (6): 1, 2, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

like these two lines lots

I'd give the boatman both my coins
to know which soul with mine conjoins.
 — unknown

Look for ways to tighten, to make each word count. You have the vision. Give it power.

The changes are negligible:

Oh but for one courageous romance
to slip slender fingers around my neck
and press; some dangerous dancing thing
like ashes of wreckage in the wind
but softer than a baby's skin
one wicked lingering wink
to sneak, in prayer, across a face:
"Hail Mary, full of grace..."
 — DianaTrees

I've read it. I'll re-read it...
 — greenmantle

I loved it - language, ideas and mythological references- really interesting and appealing concept.
 — unknown

Well done. If you're going to long for something, this is the way to do it.

Line 1-3 are especially great.

Line 4, "wreckage ashes" read a bit awkwardly my first time through. My brain first took in "some dangerous dancing thing like wreckage" and then "ashes in the wind" and it took me a second to join them in the way you intended. I see DianaTrees said something similar.

The form wears a little bit, but I think it is fine at this length. Were the poem to go on longer it would definately get old.

I read it four times and I still don't have any other criticism. Good job!

Regards.
 — rocket

This is lovely.  So wistful.  I really enjoyed reading it.  Thanks.
 — CervusWright

Nice change, reads smoothly all the way through to my eye now.
 — rocket

This poem seems to have it's crits well covered, as far as I can see it's flawless
but for L10 I don't like "know", I prefer the word "learn"; future bride sounds a bit like an old chestnut if you know what I mean and it's too long, for me.  I'd get rid of "future" all together.  I get that the bride he dreams of is in the future.
In L25 I'm thinking it should read "matrimonial steeple" ?  

The poem does have a very nice, romantic rhythm and I didn't bore myself reading.
In fact, I really adore this poem.

I was a little pissed at your request for an "indepth critique"at first because I don't like to be "put to the test" or pressured.  I like to be compelled, natrually.  
I don't know fuck-all about poetry, you should know that.  My comments are based on opinion, not knowledge or experience.  

Also, why are your poems posted as late as December '06?  
You most certainly are NOT new here.

Jen-
 — unknown

Thank you, Jen.  I adjusted the things you mentioned, because I liked your suggestions just that much.
First, don't be pissed.  It was a friendly invitation to share with me your opinion, cleverly disguised as terse command.
Second, you know plenty about poetry.
Third, I am brand spanking new here.
 — aurelius

Well, forgive me for not welcoming you earlier.  
You have a happy blend of talent and confidence not often seen in pc new-comers.
I'm glad you liked the suggestions.
Thanks for reading my Autism poem and for the recommendation of that title.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

relax
this is an IKEA poem-
unboring. i really liked it.
here are some goofy things that jumped at me:

L9 pennies (i saw penis)
L20 conjoins (i saw cojones)
L23 trembling bones (haha)

just been really torrid the past week-or-so...

the one line i consider a stand-out:

L22 "with a vicious, wistful femme fatale"
rejuvenates even my poor overworked tongue
well done
 — chuckles

aurelius,
where have you been?
i have missed you here,
waiting ever so patiently for
your latest.
please return soon.
I enjoy your poems so.

One thing I thunk tonight about this:
could you say "rose-petal" in L24? not sure if it's correct, but it might improve flow.
still a fave,
thanks,
jen-
 — jenakajoffer

I can and I will.
Thank you as always, jen.  You are a delight.
 — aurelius

Really enjoyed the poem. It reminds me of "....Prufrock," perhaps the meter. I don't have the time to pick over this the way I'd like to right now, but it's really well done on first pass.
 — blee73

.....
 — greenmantle

hey poet,
I think it's time to remove the footnote.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

it's been awhile since i read this one,
but it's still one of my favourite dances.
thanks.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

I'd like to fuck you.
 — unknown

Ha.
 — aurelius

i fucking love you, aurelius (as a poet...) Here's you 10!
 — Sequiturist

hey,
you sold out-- put a photo up, ughh! LOL
so, you said you made edits and i'm here for you as a faithful reader
as always...
thought i can't spot the changes--?
(maybe i have wrong poem, yes i'll get to molly after),

one thing i noticed and just to make conversation
is line 4 -- it does read a little bumpy, and at first i thought it'd improve with the removal of "a" but then thought: 'like ashes in the wreckage of the wind'.
and then 'but softer than baby skin'.
 — unknown

It's been here all these years and never came as a random to me.  This is so lovely, nothing to fix.  
 — Isabelle5

thought nobody would notice, huh?  don't gyp me of that glorious title.
and when i say me, i mean you.

wow, it's been five fucking years.
 — jenakajoffer

Absolutely love this poem!!:-) <3
 — Bookworm

brilliant
 — skinner

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