poetry critical

online poetry workshop



On strength
unknown

Walks in the room &
 1
she lays, in blankets
 2
brightening layers. She
 3
tries to sleep, cries quietly.
 4
Eyes gushing
 5
sulfur, silver, sodium
 6
 
 
She turns and tosses,
 7
my hands in my head
 8
grasping my hair, the air.
 9
I watch her, have grown eyes
 10
in the back of my head for 'er.
 11
Have de-constructed myself for the pleasure
 12
of strangers so that I may finally feel
 13
the very depths of her sadness
 14
 
 
Requests I cover... layer her once more
 15
Cocoon her completely.
 16
Face buried in a thousand Mahogany sheets
 17
I slit my head open and look for some sense
 18
of compassion
 19
The apathy has taken such a hold of me,
 20
I am desperate for some sense of relativity
 21
I want to breathe her divine air and let it stream
 22
through me
 23
 
 
How can I...
 24
How can I word this for you?
 25
 
 
I envy her universal concern,
 26
her perpetual forgiveness.
 27
Offer her no comfort, I love her
 28
vigorously. Would grind up the
 29
shreds of stamina in me.
 30
 
 
I bet you she'll breathe flowers
 31
on her death bed, I bet.
 32
 
 
She falls asleep, finally
 33
I pick the melancholy off
 34
my eyelids, sit beside her & turn to stone.
 35

17 Dec 06

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (0): 8

(define the words in this poem)



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Comments:

i dont know why but there is a sence of morbidity covered in poperi in theis piece

if so i give it an 8

if not i would give it a 6, but since you made me think anyway, ill give it an 8
 — kronah_kcmg

Poperi?
When critiquing poetry it's essential that you think.
 — InCongruity

Unknown,
I like it, reconsider the last line, it isn't strong enough for a poem that is on strength.
 — InCongruity

were you implying that I don't think, how observant.
 — kronah_kcmg

I think you implied it
 — InCongruity

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