poetry critical

online poetry workshop



the first time i woke up in the bathtub
jjjjhyde

i tried to stand
 1
and
 2
vomited air.
 3
 
 
all i could remember
 4
was an early shot
 5
of whiskey
 6
in jon mcgee's
 7
basement.
 8
 
 
my mom came in
 9
with a pillow
 10
and a blanket
 11
and
 12
put a glass of water
 13
and two packets
 14
of alka seltzer
 15
within reach.
 16
 
 
in the afternoon
 17
she woke me
 18
and gently placed
 19
a hard boiled egg
 20
to my lips,
 21
 
 
as i chewed
 22
she rubbed my forehead
 23
and started
 24
singing softly.
 25
 
 
the words
 26
escaped me,
 27
 
 
but
 28
i'd heard her
 29
sing it to my father
 30
under similar
 31
circumstances
 32
and
 33
 
 
years later
 34
would come to find
 35
she cut her teeth on it
 36
as a teenage girl
 37
while sobering up
 38
my grandfather.
 39

17 Dec 06

Rated 9 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 3, 8, 9, 10
Inactive (17): 1, 4, 6, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

I think this is great work.  Powerful and sad and well done.  Thanks for a fine read.
 — CervusWright

this is good shit.

dave.
 — unknown

i'm not so impressed. this is not poetry.
 — unknown

there seems to be a tradition of poems here that are follow a vertical format of little literary substance and ending with a weak attempt at an epiphany.
 — unknown

kick ass poem
 — varun

cut her teeth on what?  while i can presume it's an egg or even 4skin it is not clear
 — unknown

Strong imagery of a woman always at the ready for the men in her life.  I wonder what she thinks of them and her place in their lives?  You made it count.
 — Isabelle5

what did she cut her teeth on?
 — x2jocelyn2x

I read it as cutting her teeth (which means getting her experience) helping clean up drunk men.  I use the phrase "cutting teeth" often and it was nice to see it here, used as I feel it should be.
 — Isabelle5

hmm, I dunno.  I kinda only like the first 3 lines, the rest doesn't do much for me although I like the story.  Too many unneccesary words?
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

The IDEA of the story.  Not done like this, is what I meant to say.
 — jenakajoffer

this is beautiful, i like the structure and i like how you end it tying the three generations together. it has style and substance which is always nice to read.
 — bowiegirl

Ls12-16 seem to restate the previous lines..

For some reason I found this uncommonly moving.  Luckily, reason never mattered much in poetry.  Triumph, author.
 — WordsAndMe

everyone,

thanks for reading.

jen:  "Too many unneccesary words?"  I think you are right about that.  there is some superfluos data here that needs to be trimmed,

thanks again,
justin.
 — unknown

Not so bad. 8
 — unknown

Justin,
Did you change somethings?  It looks and reads better.  
Or do I just like this now that I haven't seen it in a while?
Well, for whatever reason, I do like this.
Nicely done.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

jen,

hello,

i trimmed it a bit,

thanks again for reading.

justin.
 — unknown

beautiful.
 — OKcomputer

thanks for reading.

justin.
 — unknown

good work!
 — unknown

i love how it comes full circle. great imagery. nice work!
 — topop

that kinda depressin. but good job.
 — Roquelle

Yeah, while "cut her teeth" is a stimulating image, I'm not sure what you're talking about.  "It" would seem to refer to the song, but how does one cut one's teeth on a song?  Even metaphorically?

The subject and setting are interesting, but as an unknown party mentioned already, there isn't much poetic device implented here.  Take this and put into poetics and you've got something.

Right now, you've got a 6.
 — aurelius

Powerful stuff
 — larrylark

I didn't get:  "cut her teeth on it", but other than that, I like this.
 — aforbing

all thanks for reading.

"cut her teeth"

learned it.

thanks justin.
 — jjjjhyde

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