| Remembering Trevor - Suicide 2005
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Isabelle5
| Where did the young man go, | 1 |
the one who body-boarded | 2 |
and wore his pants too low | 3 |
on nearly non-existent hips? | 4 |
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Where did his dreams go; | 5 |
becoming an FBI agent, | 6 |
enforcing drug laws, | 7 |
overcoming his mother's crack addiction, | 8 |
which she forced upon his embryonic form? | 9 |
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He was a father, husband and our friend - | 10 |
what demons chased him way too far, | 11 |
closed his fingers around | 12 |
the trigger of a borrowed gun? | 13 |
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In my mind, I’m still opening | 14 |
the kitchen window, | 15 |
telling him my daughter cannot go | 16 |
unless he comes in to meet me | 17 |
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and he is always seventeen, | 18 |
laughing with a crooked grin, | 19 |
living bigger than the ocean that he loved, | 20 |
planning so much more | 21 |
than leaving dream-stains | 22 |
upon a lonely, hopeless wall. | 23 |
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20 Dec 06 |
Rated 9 (9) by 4 users.
Active (4): 7, 8
Inactive (0): 10, 10
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Comments:
It left me speechless. >.<
— Nerezza
I'm drop the () from L9.
I may or may not be wiping away tears.. so well written. I love the series of questions - because questions are all you can think in such a situation. L19 really hit me. Ls3-4 are fantastic as well - I like how you describe him as he was, not in some glorified form. Truer to life.
Well done.
I need a tissue.
— WordsAndMe
My daughter's first date - when she was 14 shot himself two months later at CHristmas.
I ythought he was cute and personable having met him only once.
My daughter said yes to a date because the other kids in school were making fun of him for his shy ways and she hated that.
She is 30 now and she and I still feel the haunting memory of that shy boy who never realized a single dream.
— unknown
Passes Words another tissue. I'm a sucker for this kind of writing, L9, yes ditch it in my opinion and i would also rewrite L8, i don't want to hear about his mother in that vein, it's like you are trying to prop the poem up by going for too much pathos. Enjoyed ty
— unknown
I only called him at his job to see how he was doing. I am still shocked out of my slippers. Thank you all for understanding this. One friend said, "I think he could still go to Heaven." Well, of course! Who but God knows the heart of someone who feels that one more breath would be unbearable?
Life is precious and it is short, so make it count. Don't check out too soon, there is joy still to be found.
— Isabelle5
Made the paren change, good call, thanks a lot.
— Isabelle5
Isabelle...come now...I love this, but you are a so much better write than your last two lines. I feel like you were really searching...this is a beautiful poem with a way too literal ending. I'm not sure what to suggest...I'd really like to see something a little less morbid to finish this off.
— Davezilla
Dave, I've finally come back to revise. I think the ending is more peaceful, still sad but not gory or literal. I also changed soul to form in line 9, which makes more sense. I felt it necessary to leave the mother remarks, as her addiction is what drove him his entire life.
Thanks for all the suggestions.
— Isabelle5
DONT change anything about this poem. its personal and i love it and im sorry for your loss, dont change anything, a poem fresh from the mind is always the best.
— infinity
My father just committed suicide 11 days ago. This poem touched me deeply. Good writing.
— ky_diva
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