poetry critical

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The Nature of Things
technomancer

I do not dig for wisdom;
 1
it is not buried,
 2
though hidden well might fit;
 3
for breaths are, by the nature of air, taken lightly.
 4
 
 
I do not weigh my burden;
 5
it is soft carried,
 6
and weighs not easily,
 7
when steps are, by the nature of balance, rarely steady.
 8

3 Jan 07

Rated 10 (7.5) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (3): 7, 7, 8, 10

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Comments:

I enjoy style and form; this poem has both.  I found it thought-provoking.  Peggy
 — PeggyParis

I find the phrasing a little weighty.  Lines 1-2 are good.  It's awkward to use two semi-colons in 3 lines, though.  A plain comma would work better at the end of line 3.  Line 4 is also quite good, I think.

soft carried?  Also a bit awkward, carried softly would work a little better, perhaps.
Weighs not easily?  What do you mean by that?  Is not easily weighed, again a slightly different phrasing, would make this a softer phrase.

It's interesting but something seems to be missing.  It might just be the formatting or it might be that it's trying to sound deep but not quite making that.  
 — Isabelle5

Peggy - Thanks :)

Isabelle - Yeah I understand what you're saying on all that.  I think I should cut the comma at the end of 7.

I've been looking for a few lines to add on the end in summary, but they never come, so as is this is unfinished.
 — technomancer

mm they don't let you edit comments.

Anyway, "soft carried" is a bit of poetic liscense to fit the form, and should read softly carried; I'm not interested in changing the order.  Weighs not easily goes on into "when steps are..." and I don't like the sound out of the present tense.

Two semicolons aren't awkward :p!  People just don't use semicolons anymore.
 — technomancer

I agree with Isabelle about weight. The poem feels very heavy, because the presentation leads to a lot of pauses as I read it.

I like music in the sound of a poem. This one doesn't sing, which makes it feel slightly lifeless, despite the reasonably well done content.
 — rocket

too dr seuss-ish, too abstract. you should work on your punctuation. 5.35/11.
 — unknown

I sure do love those return comments from the unknowns :)
 — technomancer

the two semi colons within the space of two lines is off putting. i'm not even sure the second is needed. line 4 i like.

the third semi colon is kind of taking things too far. too much punctuation can ruin your poem.

overall, very nice. 8
 — Esoteric

now this is very nice writing.
thanks for the poem.
: )
 — fractalcore

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