poetry critical

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"shut the fuck up with that holden caulfield shit"
yourworries

in your bed
 1
next to you
 2
i saw everything
 3
 
 
sunday school lectures
 4
"true love waits"
 5
or
 6
"what would jesus do"
 7
 
 
your baby pictures
 8
gold hair blue eyes
 9
before you pierced your nose
 10
or had even heard
 11
of diet pills
 12
 
 
the girls on the bus
 13
droning about:
 14
math tests
 15
football games
 16
fraternity boys
 17
 
 
the first time i met your father
 18
lied about my grades
 19
my political persuasions
 20
"yes sir, home by midnight"
 21
 
 
until all that seeing made my head hurt
 22
so i left
 23
"work at eight
 24
can't sleep here tonight"
 25
 
 
drove home.
 26
and slept till noon.
 27

10 Jan 07

Rated 7 (7) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (2): 7, 7, 7

(define the words in this poem)
(1 more poem by this author)



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Comments:

Pretty good, could use some capitolization.  I think it's nicely accurate to your subject, and the plot is chosen well, but it could use a polish up in terms of grammar and style.  7/10; could easily make an 8, but my 9 and 10 are reserved for publishables and top notch stuff, and generally girlfriend poems don't fit the bill because their themes aren't strong enough, so very good for it's type.
 — technomancer

this is pretty awesome.  thanks for the read, i enjoyed it!  (;
good jorb!
 — ducktape

Capitalization is a matter of personal preference. I vote nay.

I'd get rid of the word 'had' in l11.

I do like the colon in l14. Nice effect.
Might consider taking that colon away though and instead putting one at the end of l3. Maybe I'm careless but I had to read through this twice before I realized that stanzas 2-5 were memories you were recalling.

Can't quite put my finger on it but I'd just generally try to revise, rephrase the 6th stanza. Maybe "and seeing all that gave me a headache and / i left / "work at eight, / can't sleep here tonight." Maybe it's me but the word 'until' just seems out of place, distracting.

The ending could (should) be stronger, at least as strong as the start of the poem. It should hit us more. Unsure what to suggest in terms of this, though.

And I almost feel like you leave us hanging by not providing enough information on your relationship with this person in the present. Why, for example, do you get a headache? Why do you leave? Have things changed? Have you grown distant from this person? We need more information about the present situation to know. I don't think the ambiguity is a good thing in this particular case.

Overall, this could be good with some revisions. Nicely done for the most part. I feel as though I didn't positively reinforce you enough, but just know that you have a lot of great things going in this poem. I just lack the time to comment on them.
 — stateofmind

i like this a lot, especially the father part
 — asouvenir

thanks for your thoughts, stateofmind. i put a few of your suggestions into place; however moving my colon from line 14 to line 13 would mean that i would also need one at L4,18,22 and i don't really feel comfortable doing that. still kind of struggling over the wording in L22, though. thanks again.
 — yourworries

Anytime, yourworries.

If you're not married to it, get rid of the word 'until' in l22.

'seeing all that made my head hurt' or 'seeing it all (the phrase 'all that' is a little iffy to me) made my head hurt/hurt my head..' There are more than enough ways to rephrase it.
 — stateofmind

L22 - until the seeing hurt my head

slightly indent the lines from 3-21 and put a colon at the end L3
 — unknown

not bad, it's narrative qualities outweigh it's poetic mediocracy. expressing your theme and story are of the utmost importance, whereas the art the tale is rendered with is only a pleasant corollary. 'least i think so.
 — brianuxo

i agree with stateofmind. i vote zero to capitalization, just for aesthetics' sake.

other issues include strange line breaks and some mis-punctuation.

inquire if more information is desired. too drunk. sleep time.
 — mould_jesus

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