poetry critical

online poetry workshop



i'm selfless for kelly; why lie
unknown

so i
 1
ran three blocks
 2
in a lampblack, humid night
 3
to get her dolmas, 3.46 plus tax,
 4
don't you worry about paying me back.
 5
 
 
she ran three blocks to give
 6
a pale, slouchy man his beatup wallet
 7
he accidentally
 8
left behind, and came back
 9
with yet another crumpled phone number;
 10
laughed like she was surprised,
 11
her cheeks flushed from running.
 12
 
 
i told her
 13
i think i've found a muse,
 14
she thought i said
 15
i once worked for the news,
 16
 
 
offered to bring me home;
 17
it's been violent lately,
 18
but i walked instead, as always,
 19
singing everybody daylight, feeling
 20
like a ghost with a ghostvoice,
 21
wondering how many poems
 22
she's lived in.
 23

16 Jan 07

Rated 8 (8.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (33): 1, 1, 3, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(32 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

Love, love, love the last two lines. It all works. bravo.
 — jezkuh

I really like this.
The line breaks aren't working for me,especially the last strophe, but other than that it is quite good.

Sam
 — unknown

Your title drew me in, and I like your story.

Your line breaks confound me, especially since you're using commas. L1 in particular. Explain this.

I kind of like your conversation language, but you're also using a lot more words than you need to. I'm on the fence about it.

L5 seems like it should be in quotes, since you're using them elsewhere.

On lines 8-9 you don't really need "he accidentally left behind". If she stole it that might require an explanation.

The start of S3 says she isn't hearing what you're saying. It about your relationship with her, or just a detail included for humor? If it's meaningful you might expand on that.

You can best improve this by removing unneeded words, tighting up the lines. If you want specifically examples of how you might do this let me know.
 — rocket

nice poem.
 — varun

hmm, never seen holly spelled with an "e".  Is that right?
I agree to omitting "accidentally left behind".
L13,14 are a little confusing, maybe weak sounding.  Does it even fit? hmmm.
Why ghost with a ghostvoice?  What is a ghost voice, no voice?
"singing everybody daylight, feeling
like a ghost and with no voice,
wondered how many poems
she's lived in".
I don't know, that's my feelin'.  

Besides that, I really like this poem.
Yes, I do.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

thanks all.

i know the linebreaks are cracked out.

it's not really supposed to be holley at all, it's supposed to be kelly.

i left "accidentally" there. i thought about putting it in quotes, as i wanted to convey that leaving the wallet was intentional, which it was. but then i thought quotes didn't really fit into the poem.

listen to the song "everybody daylight," you'll know what a ghostvoice is.
 — rosemary

Ah, the accidentally makes sense now.

Reading this again I see what you're doing with S1. Consider:

I ran, three blocks
in a lampblack, humid night.
Bought her gyros, 3.46 plus tax.
Don't worry about paying me back.

You've still got the rhyme, the pauses, and it reads easily.

What you do with the three blocks is great.

Tighten up S3. Consider the meaning and review which details are important.

I understood this version much better.

Asking readers to listen to the song is a bit much for this website. You might just explain it in the footer, I've seen it done that way on Poetry Free-for-all to good effect.
 — rocket

This is better.
Why change to gyros?  I despise that word.  I know it's greek food or something like that, but what a gross word.  The nic gum was better and it made running 3 blocks worth while.
Why was it "holly" first?  Now Kelly?  Too bad...Holly was cute.
Still, nice poem.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

I'm not terribly fond of the first stanza but the final four lines are BEAUTIFUL. This will be added to my favorites list.
 — SarahMichele

This bought a little tear to my eye. Absolutely perfect and mirroring things I have been thinking of recently, but have been unable to put into words as effectively as this.

x
 — musicwords

I enjoyed. nicely done.
 — theair

I like this, expecially line 20 "singing everybody daylight, feeling".
it's a unique and sincere poem.
 — sparrow

those last two lines are killer

also: singing everybody daylight,
 — unknown

Impossible
 — unknown

Oh!  The last three lines?  If they mean that^   then cool.
 — unknown

what's impossible, unknown?
 — rosemary

Holy jesus, this is an awesome poem. I know some people just like Kelly. Actually, I know a Kelli like Kelly :). Very descriptive and musical. 10!!!!! Its so graceful, and yet not.
 — dreamergirl

I love the end.
 — madderhatter

i know i know sugar-coating sucks but i really love this poem. it's been quite a while since i've read a poem that so well depicts a woman's beauty and essense without being unoriginal or cheesy. you captured the readers emotions AND it was a well-written piece....big kudos for that. job very well done. rock on.
 — lanezfairy

beautiful. thank you.
 — OKcomputer

this is awwwwwesome!
 — ducktape

there's such honesty in this poem...it's almost theraputic to read.
 — Virgil

Draws you right in and you can smell the sweat and feel the gritty eyes that stayed open all night.  The last two lines are enchanting.
 — Isabelle5

I think line twenty one is a bit of a duck egg.
Surely you could improve upon that flat repetition.

“How about feeling like a ghost with charnel voice”

Adds a new dimension to the metaphor, me thinks.

Mor
 — Mor

i agree about L21, although I think that MOr is missing the point and unless you wnat to suggest death ,or, from the tomb (which I dont think you do) I would ignore his advice.

Is that an intentional ejambement on line 20? If so it doesnt work, from 21 it could read:

feeling like a ghost
with a ghost voice
wondering how many poems
she's lived in.
 — SolCarloman

the last two lines are wonderfully simple.  the imagery is clean, concise, and strong.  i love it.
 — danika

hmmm
i've read several of your
poems
and they seem to be very
enjoyable
this one- no exception...
the only stumble
whatever it's worth to you is

L4- to get her gyros

everytime i read it i want to hear -    get her jollies.
but that's probably something to do with the context of recent conversations i've been having.
anyhoooo
well done
 — chuckles

I am blown away at how wonderful this poem really is. I am new to this site, and I'm happy to say that the first poem I read was as wonderful as this. This may be the new trend, but I would think you'd want to capitalize the words that need to be capitalized. Beautiful piece.
 — Poetry_Lady

this is great. nothing to add. favourite!!
 — Esoteric

I'm starting to really love this poem...the more I read it the more it touches my heart.
 — sparrow

thanks everyone.
 — rosemary

The expression in the is nice.
 — Aziel

is 'lampblack' an oxymoron?

waht does 'singing everybody daylight' mean

definately don't need to start the poem with 'so'...it weakens it.

last two lines are very good, but you haven't earned it yet
 — joshcoops

i think you could work on your diction (there are some words you repeat several times, i think maybe you could mix it up a bit)
but other than that, i love love love it
 — sarahjoie

"lamp black" is an old type of paint.

"everybody daylight" is a song.

the poem starts with the title.
 — rosemary

it's a little too she did, i did, he did, i said, we said for me, just not much variety or interest, and the title to poem opener is a bit clumsy.
 — unknown

gorgeous.
 — WordsAndMe

good poem

dont italicise

gyro sb singular
 — jumpoline

i have a kelly too.
 — sunshinesgf

this is a nice beat poem, very much on the resonance of the earth's turning, and it made me happy to read it.
 — joey

this is strikingly like my "kelly".. very well done.
 — humblebee

really nice
 — stout

wow how many of us feel this way about her? she has lived in poems a plenty, for sure. i dig it !
 — unknown

awesome write.
 — bane

is it me or does "she thought it said i once worked for the news" just entirely unnecessary.

"so i" all by itself is more distracting than interesting

the last two lines are fantastic. hold on to them, but earn them a bit more.

you've got some good stuff here.
 — joshcoops

still love this poem.
just out of curiosity though: why did you change "gyros" to "dolmas" in the beginning?
 — sparrow

this charms me, it really does.  I agree that the last two lines work really well.  Seems like a song.  L20-21 sound nice but i'm not quite understanding the meaning.
 — jerotich

I wish I were Kelly...


:)
 — misspanda

Great poem, but I would nix 'why lie" in the title.  Why "lampblack?"  A created new word should be hyphenated.  I love, absolutely love that third stanza.  I also love the melancholy feel of that last stanza and the repetition of ghost after the cheer of singing daylight.  Very nice imagery.  My quips are quite small.  If you revise, I'll give you a ten.  how 'bout it?

Lucy, who just added 2 cents worth on a very good poem
 — mnemosyne

i told her
i think i've found a muse,
she thought i said
i once worked for the news
 — unknown

fully realised coherant well written poem

the energy here is quite clear

nice read

~ Mong
 — Mongrol

Lovely write.  I always admire a poet who can make poetry out of a moment.  
 — sybarite

i read this a year ago.. and i still love it
 — humblebee

Gorgeous. Finally, my name worked into a poem where it doesn't mean "slut".
That aside, love the story. The only things that don't sit well in here are the third stanza--is she meant to sound stupid, or did you intend for her to misunderstand you?--and L21, the two-syllable word "ghostvoice" somehow throws the rhythm.
Other than that, beautiful poem.
 — FangzOfFire

I enjoyed your whimsy, this is  lyrical.
 — Liliana

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