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Fake Tans, Buzzing Bodies
lieskilllies

Through upper-class windows
 1
I view lower-lip wonder.
 2
Please believe when I say
 3
that it pains me to
 4
see through these panes.
 5
And I see their paintings -
 6
collected and confused
 7
inappropriate and misused.
 8
 
 
All of this proves that
 9
Columbus should've been drowned
 10
at birth to save us from saving ourselves.
 11
 
 
I don't know myself better than anyone,
 12
but I know what.
 13
I'm living from love song to love song
 14
to love one or someone
 15
for any reason or none at all.
 16

17 Jan 07

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Comments:

i sincerely liked reading this, but i also think there are a lot of improvements that could be made.

i see your purpose with lines 4 and 5, with the reoccuring "pain" "panes" "paintings," but i don't really like it in a poem.  i think maybe such wordplay would fit more into a song or something.?? just my opinion; i'm sure others think differently.  line 12 seems to stop short, too awkwardly in my opinion. line 14 was my favorite line.

also the very two first lines sounded pretty cool back to back.  maybe grammatically you could change it to "upper-class" / "lower-lip" though.

thanks for sharing!
steve
 — steveroggenb

Good suggestions, I'll see what I can do. Thanks!
 — lieskilllies

forget the rest of the poem, the last four lines are quite good enough.
 — brianuxo

lines 14 and 15 make are great, no doubt.
 — outstretched

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