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the red reflection of the cables
invades my house, slashes the rug
with a blood-runny knife, whips
my lover's face into ragged ribbons.
we are here caged in peppermint,
the curtains slit open into fleshy
candy gills, the sunlight slowly
murdering my bedroom.
her thighs rotate like barber poles,
turning to admire how
the cables support the traffic.
i wish they'd snap.

19 Jan 07

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
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good humor.
 — listen

Very high impact, great mix of the fleshy & organic with human artifice; outstanding.  "curtains slit open into fleshy/candy gills, the sunlight slowly/murdering my bedroom" is eerily erotic.  Kudos.

I've two suggestions when considering revision: first, "blood-runny" knife (3) almost moves the poem into campy horror; the following lines pull it back, but I think a different word-choice would make the poem stronger.  

Second, and more difficult to elaborate on, the "I respond" of the final line threw me off a bit.  As a device, the unexpected utterance works well (and here fits the mood of the poem), but as the reader has been in the point of view of the narrative voice for the whole poem, the "response" to a question/statement not spelled out earlier almost seems to invalidate the rest of the poem.  If, instead, "she" responded, the time the reader spent in the narrator's head would seem more... consistent.  It is hard for me to put into pixels, but I'm hoping that makes a bit of sense, even though such revision might change the feel of the poem.

Both of these are, of course, just considerations.  This is excellent work as is.
 — mikkirat

i'm not sure what i was thinking upon first read. please withdraw my comment.

 — unknown

Thank you, mikkirat.  I agree with you on the campy horror of "bloody-runny".  I chose it for its rhythm more than anything, it keeps the alliterative flow of "rug" through "ribbons".  I'll consider an alteration, though, if I find something more suitable.

The "I respond" should stunt the reader, that's its purpose.  It's a thumbtack, so to speak.
 — aurelius

OOOh I like this poem alot. Goof imagry. Good humor. It's great. You get a 10.
 — Jillian

You know, I read this several times when you first posted
but i never really understood it, so I didn't know what to say.
I wonder if you've made edits.
Is it strange that I didn't find humour in this?

The imagery throughout is fantastic,
and in line 9, so very, very cool;
very erotic.
Nice mind.
 — jenakajoffer

Yeah, I edited out the humor.  The last line used to be a punchline, now it's vicious.
 — aurelius

Yeah, vicious is right -- last stanza's a stunner.  Nice work.
 — lzug

...of intimacy??
you changed the title. ;)
 — jenakajoffer

marcus, this is still a mind-blowing visual.
master. piece.
 — jenakajoffer

ugh, what are you doing????
hi, hope you're ok, miss ya

 — jenakajoffer