poetry critical

online poetry workshop



here we go
gnormal

all the people make the sparks
 1
with ink and water railing
 2
wailing soft as we can blare
 3
we're spinning fast and flailing
 4
 
 
people decompose with love
 5
everything we make is heat
 6
believing that we might be warm
 7
we burn our skin
 8
             and smell the meat
 9
 
 
all our paintings, all these poems
 10
photos, songs, and artful groans
 11
tapes and logs, and stapled tomes
 12
smoke that's cooking our own homes
 13
 
 
it's all we weep, our glowing wake
 14
we heave it when we sigh
 15
all we are is all we make
 16
saline across the sky
 17
 
 
warm and red on cold and black
 18
we leave our steaming trails
 19
 
 
you and me are comets we
 20
are comets with streaming tails
 21

when you die, no one is going to look at your hard disk.  
staple your poems to phone poles, wherever you go.

11 Nov 03

Rated 8.8 (8) by 7 users.
Active (7): 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (162): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 3, 3, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

That is quite possibly the most beautiful thing that I've ever read.
 — Ananke

Lines 14-17 remind me of a song but I can't think of which one right now. I liked the flow of this one although I'm not sure what it means. L18-19 are excellent but when I got to the final two lines I felt a bit let down with the repetition of 'we are comets'. dkm
 — unknown

Yeah - the last two lines kind of lost the rhythm too. Other than that...great!
 — unknown

I'm there, too. It kept me right to the end. rob
 — unknown

thanks ananke. the moment i finished, i was certain it was great. but i hedged my confidence. things so often look different in the morning.

i refused to change the ending, then i did. i know the other broke the rhythm, but i thought that derailing, at the end, sort of hightened the readers attention, especially since it comes so close to being trite- i just thought it encouraged the reader to take it even more seriously. it's a pretty serious poem. so ending it in rhythm sounded, well, i didnt want it to end like a cha-cha-cha.

but someone told me, "lose the rhythm, lose the reader" and it was 4:1. so i gave up. the first ending (which i still prefer) is:

we are comets we are
comets with streaming tails

can the unknown who gave me the 4, tell me why?
i would gladly exchange my intended interpretation in exchange for feedback.
 — gnormal

I don't know who gave it a 4, but I wouldn't worry about it. It happens. I agree with Ananke--I like it a lot and gave it a 7.
 — rob

changed the title to avoid repeating at the end.  thanks dkm.  a few other little fixes.
 — gnormal

I like it, I like it A LOT... good job
 — mandm4e

o this gets right to it. spartan & loving.
 — jak

amazing.  one of your best
 — root

i want to print this out and staple it to the nearest telephone pole.  after thinking about it all night and today, i believe you could come up with a more fitting title.  the word 'saline' threw me a little, since it holds the connotation of contact lens solution (for me), but it would only really deter readers who don't know the real meaning.  overall;  love it, love it, love it.  i hope you get more comments here.
 — root

l14 do you need the apostrophe?  i'm honestly not even sure
 — unknown

the body is 65% water.  salt water.
thank you all.  it's one of my favorites that i like as much 8mo later.
i could change the title.  it hasnt lasted for me like the body.
 — gnormal

I dont like the current title, the poem - i dig.
 — mightyjoe

I don't mind the title, it fits with the poem, but it could definitely be mroe powerful. This is quite simply beautiful. Just lovely. The language, the rhyme, the rhythm, the everything..*sighs* Something to be proud of. Pat yourself on the back.
 — wendz

i liked your foot note...that was very empowering.  the poem was gorgeous and i really loved the last stanza.  the pattern was awesome.
 — sassybnyss

Comments in exchange for intended interpretation? Sounds like a heck of a deal to me........I love L5 and the last stanza. That footnote made me fall in love with this poem. I tried to find something to tell advise you to improve, but my hands came up empty. It's near perfect. You've done it again Gnormal.
 — Cella

hurrah good, poetry at last woopeee! I am sick of poems that don't flow This one does. 10
 — J-man

this was amazing. maybe i should think about printing out all my poems that i have saved in my computer. 10.
 — breathindeep

I especially enjoy the kind of modernist idiom, if I might create a concept.  What I mean is the flow of the words and language in generally breaks from the conversational tone that most use in writing their poetry.  You have good instincts about the music of language.  Good stuff.
 — pigpen

This was great to read right now...I needed it. You write beautifully.
 — tinkerman

It was good up until line 13 for me, then it lost some depth and excitement.  Maybe you should drop the last two lines....Or just change them.  Maybe it's just me missing the bloody idea.  It is, most likely.  

Like the end notes.  Good point.
 — acoustic9

line 10 - 13 is some of the most powerful stuff I've ever read.  The only thing I really didn't like was the heat/meat rhyme.  The word "meat" just sort of kills the feeling in the poem.  Other than that this was pretty incredible.
 — Resonanz

No offense, but you must not read very much.
 — unknown

i'm in love.
 — done

i didn't like it at first, but i gave it another read and it really hit me. bravo.
 — omega

I loved the second stanza, and enjoyed the postscript. The rest of the poem, however (Specifically the comet stuff) struck me as a bit mawkish and/or earnest.
 — ersaph

effusively or insincerely emotional; "a bathetic novel"; "maudlin expressons of sympathy"; "mushy effusiveness"; "a schmaltzy song"; "sentimental soap operas"; "slushy poetry"

what would i say without you?

i dont know, i can see it from there.  

i guess im trying to learn two things at once.
 — gnormal

after i read this i am sad because i live in arizona where the phone poles are under ground.
 — posthardcore

beautiful & honestly; as well as honestly beautiful.   i covet.
 — spaces

This is one of the best poems I've EVER read.  It's so beautiful!
 — drummergrl88

I envy you and your incredible talent to captivate beauty in words.
 — unknown

You know what really makes the poem endearing? The footnote. The only thing that trips me up is l13, I don't like the wording of 'our own'. Makes me twist my tongue when I pronnounce 'home'. I think I might just print this off and staple it to a phone pole (or masking tape it). I like posthardcore's comment.
 — wendz

I once stapeled my sack to a phone poll, hurt like hell.
 — unknown

For some reason, I just can't like this.

I think there's too much here, without saying enough. Lines 16, 20, and 21 sound like they are from songs to me that are a bit too ecstatic and elegiac without saying anything. This just feels a bit cloying, I guess. I like the footnote better than the poem.
 — semaj

this is inspiring. the footnote is good advice.
 — SeraphSoul

i know what you mean semaj.  if it sounds like a song it's suspect.  how can you trust it?  
it's definately a thing i fear, but all i can say is, im serious,
and then ask myself again if i really am, see if it's holding up.
so far, so good- i can receive your "sounds like from songs" as a good thing.
 — gnormal

I used to keep my poems stapled to the outside of my bedroom door.  They caused quite a stir.
 — chevolleau

please look again at 13. otherwise, unguent.
 — noodleman

a painfully truthful message.
 — thirdeyris

i would prefer the first line and first stanza if the first line was:
"all the people making sparks"

good second stanza

3rd stanza line 13 is not to my taste at all. it reads badly.

4th stanza is the weakest in the poem in my opinion. the poem wouldn't suffer from it not existing.

line 20 i would break before the last we, which i would then stick on teh beginning of line 21

all in all i like the what you have to say.
 — kaleidazcope

Bravo! this is excellent, and i love the footnote! The rhyme is just perfect, great work!
 — dmartin

From Caducus to gnormal.

This is representative of my feelings and interpretations on love and remembrance - great job. 9
 — Caducus

and yes the rhyme is indeed sophisticated.
 — Caducus

Beautifully done...Maybe I'll post something up on a pole

Yeah...that's what I'll do

smoke that's cooking our own homes...are you saying that if we don't get these things out, they'll be lost to everyone?  
 — dionnefields

I love this too much. I've just never commented.

No change.
 — arienette

I'm exhausted, so I can't exactly "intellectualize" this poem, but just the sound of it is enough.  This is beautiful.
 — Rose

I think I would like it if you can tell me what this is about
 — sam_choi87

Are you fucking stupid, Sam? Read the poem sometime, it's excellent. 10.
 — FangzOfFire

because most people strive to be good at what they do....I'm forced to commend you on your efforts. I got a little bit of a dreary feeling when I read it. but to each his/her own. good poem though. just don't get mad if people don't feel what your writing....just try harder next time.
 — unknown

Is stapling poems to a telephone pole litter?

Hmm?
 — unknown

you finally made it. your a poet now.
 — hank

Just came up as a random poem.

I'm glad it did! I like it more every time I read it. Great stuff, gnormal.

Rob
 — unknown

I agree, Rob!  And I am glad this poem came up randomly this morning, too, because I rated it (8) a while back but never commented (meant to, but forgot to!) - so I would like to do that now that I've been reminded!!  

  *  This is one of those poems in which rhyming is just damned necessary -
       and WELL DONE, at that!  I'm glad you chose the end-rhyme format.
  *  My favorite stanza is the 2nd one, lines 5-8
            people decompose with love / everything we make is heat  
            believing that we might be warm / we burn our skin / and smell the meat
       This image of rotting meat is grotesque, yet so fucking right-on when it comes
       to the theme of this whole piece.  
   *  I also concur that the footnote is the kicker here - staple your poems to
       phone poles...hell yeah!!!  It's like a revolution! :)  

On the critical side...

   *  I'm obviously not alone in that line 13 is somehow amiss.  Nobody has really
      pinpointed the problem, and I'm having trouble doing that, too.  But here are
      my thoughts on that line and its dilemma:  
         - the idea of cooking is definitely ringing throughout, but HOME, to me,
           doesn't.  I read this poem and stop at line 13 every time, asking myself
           what the home is representing.  I mean obviously it can be many things -
           home as metaphor for where we keep our poems, home as metaphor as in
           we are all in "this" together and therefore cohabitants of this "poetry
           home" we built, yet building or the image of construction in general is not
           consistent with the rest of the work (or at least it doesn't HIT me as so,
           when I read it); therefore, it just sticks out when it ought to continue and
           flow.  This is all I can really make of the l13 situation...but I hope it makes
           sense, or at least gives you something to chew on.

   *  lines 18-21 - I do so very much love the streaming trails/comets image.  I do
      not, however, feel that the repetition of 'streaming tails' is necessary.  In fact,
      the streaming trails is such a vivid image on its own merit that repeating it
      reduces the elliptical effect (which is just perfectly drawn out otherwise!)  
 — LauraLea2

DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!
I am a moron!!  I CONFESS!!!!!!!!

I now see - thankfully - that you have oh-so-craftily used "stEaming tRails" in line 19 and then "stReaming tAils" in line 21 for a whole 'nother reason than what I was seeing the first 2344572103857 times I read this poem.  

I am ashamed that I wasn't sharp enough to notice this during the first few reads.
Please totally ignore my notes on these lines in the comment above.

Damn you for tricking me!  ;)  

I love this poem even more now!
 — LauraLea2

In reply to the following comment:
              l14 do you need the apostrophe?  i'm honestly not even sure
                                     – unknown

Line 14 reads:  it's all we weep
  and the answer is YES, the apostrophe is required.  
   IT'S = IT IS (contraction for)
   ITS  = Belonging to "IT" (possessive form of "IT")

This truly is such a common mistake, though.  
I know you (unknown poster) were only trying to help.
Just thought I'd clarify!  :)

-- your resident English teacher, Laura  ;)
 — LauraLea2

poetry in motion...click click click...
 — unknown

AHHHHH!!!! lovely!
 — JKukla

        &n bsp;  thi is a nice(stupid) poem
 — unknown

Someday gnormal will be in the English books.
I can see it now.

-Rixes
 — unknown

quite nice. quite nice. no elaboration needed. just plain good.
 — AEOS

Interesting....Lines 16-19 make the poem I think....but 5, 8, 9 make you think
 — unknown

Stanza 2 is fantastic, particularly the imagery in the last lines.
On stanza 3-- thematically, i see where you are going, albeit grammatically i do not.  do u mean "tomes-- smoke that's ...."  Also, are these things actually smoke cooking our homes, or are they the kindling cooking our homes from which the smoke emanates?

I like line 20, structurally.  I am not certain on line 21.  I would prefer a greater sense of parallelism with line 19, to better draw the contrast.

overall, quite good.
 — theshortbus

perhaps like 27 should be "sailing"?  I don't know, though.  I kinda like a salty sky.
 — RichardElam

see that it's both?  you get both out of it.  that's part of the geniuss.
 — unknown

i love how u use the words, it seems that they just flow, and u can feel every word, i love this poem!
 — tmariebear2

first unkown, I believe they might remind you of a Something Corporate song called Down... that's what it reminds me of.. because of "saline."  Anyway... i adore this poem.
 — Slip

i didt get this one but iam not gong to say it sucks but its in bettween
jasmen j.
 — unknown

you rule buddy
 — unknown

After searching for days for a website where I can get good criticism and read other poems worth reading, I stumbled upon this site and this was the first poem I read.  Thank you.  I am now at home.
 — pearljammer

Awesome.
 — unknown

Excellent. :D
 — Rhein

Nice, one of those things that makes you feel your heartbeat, and that makes you feel that you know you are reading something good.

8
 — Leanan

very difinitive and lucid. plus 2 points!
 — bludrose

Wow. The ryhme and meter here is stuff of legends.
 — silentscream

Are you serious?
 — unknown

No
 — unknown

I woke up this morning and brushed my teeth, and found myself running lines from this through my head. I know it's crazy, but it happened. I really love this.
-wendz
 — unknown

I'm torn over the poem itself - I like it but I don't love it.  I'm going to go read it a few more times.  But I adore the footnote.  Adore it.
 — laneyseradia

Wait—why is this poem so great?  The images are discordant:  what relation is there between “all the people” and “we’re spinning fast and flailing”?  What does decomposition have to do with “burn[ing]… skin / and smell[ing] the meat”?  The third stanza has no logic to it:  Does the author think there is a relationship between the physical items (even including the silly modifier of “artful” to “groan”) and burning, as a concept?  And what of line 13?  “smoke that’s cooking our own homes”?  What does that mean?  The fourth stanza exists only to redirect the poem to the author’s meaning and the fifth is incomprehensible.  The best part of the poem is the line break across lines 20-1, but that is ruined by the construction of the stanza.  Another jarring aspect to the poem are words like “tomes” and “saline” that are used incorrectly.  Concept and execution are separate actions that, in a well crafted poem, come together harmoniously.  This poem’s concept, LOVE (which is how I feel the author wants the idea/feeling to come across),  is executed with such a sledgehammer that the result can only be flattening and graphically common.
 — unknown

This is beautiful. The rythme scheme is well kept throughout the peom. Good work here.
 — AggieAsh

GAHHH. i love this poem.
 — omega

Very good poem, I agree the title my be improved , good work
 — BlkJeans

GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! i felt your emotion on this 1. STRONG!!!!!!!!
 — emo

I think you could have made this stronger and more poignant if you wrote it free style and not worried about rhyme.

I don't think the last two lines are needed since they don't convey anything special. They don't have any 'oomph' to them.

Again this is just my humble opinion but you broke your rhyme scheme in the second stanza, rhyming the first and fifth line (offset) and then rhymed all four lines in st3.

While I like your signature, I can't let that influence me in my critique of the poem. It's not part of the poem and shouldn't be rated as part.

You do take negative critique well from what I've read of the comments, so I hope this doesn't upset you.
 — popof3

Why don't you people study philosophy and get over poetry. You really have nothing to write about besides the mundane. Seriously, reading your poetry is like psychoanalysing   monkeys. It is rational suicide. You people can't even distinguish between what you feel and what you know.

-Despiser

Postscript: I didn't read your poem. This message is general. It goes out to all the ingoramus here.
 — unknown

despiser, apt moniker.
 — unknown

You could use put those lyrics to a song in an emo band, but that would take away some of the meaning.  Only Bright Eyes has as powerfull lyrics as this.  Good job, great poem!
 — unknown

Beautiful.
 — Lola0082

I adore this!
 — unknown

my friend patrick writes better, but it was reasonably alright
 — unknown

ask patrick to call me as soon as possible.
my number is 928-396-2700.
 — gnormal

"you and me are comets we  
are comets with streaming tails "
This is amazing...well done
 — driving

I have to say,
I totally disagree Morchuis.

I just love this.
 — Rixes

What a wonderful poem! I'm so happy that it is the first I read on this site.

There is much truth in this poem and the footnote is an outstanding "moral."
 — MountainBree

perfect little piece, smooth and thought well. nice job, after all the effect made the poem.
 — invain

Very good message behind it all. The title is kind of boring, but the actual poem itself makes up for that. Lines 10-13 really interest me, as do lines 18-21. Good work!
 — Dead

absolitly GOURGIOUS!! stiking in every way possible.
 — SweetPain

Damn... at the top again?  I was alittle hesitant to comment on this one before but have read it many times over. Beautifully written I must say. But who am I? There are a hundred other people who can compliment you with bigger words.  But thank you, just what I needed to end the day. Good stuff.
 — unknown

love your poem. its sweet. esp last line. keep it up. (:
 — deviousness

I stapled a poem to a phone pole today, but some guys saw me do it, and beat me up and called me a queer, then tied me to the phone pole and took off all my clothes.
-silly
 — unknown

i love this, especially "people decompose with love" brillant
 — tragicbubble

further insight into what makes this great:

seven syllables is one shy of quadrameter, the rhythm achieved through this is stunning, as you can go 3-2-2, 2-3-2, 2-2-3 and change it up a bit, just like the time signature in musical pieces.

root
 — unknown

This doesn't make a lot of sense to me, but I don't think all poetry needs to make sense. This is word art, really, the images, sounds and rythm make this worthwhile.

But the last stanza is weak to the point wher you could completely cut it and it might not be missed. The rythm is broken. Steaming trails/streaming trails is clever, but not really worth the speed bump. There are a couple other slightly awkward points that other posters have pointed out.
 — hogrot

I love the 4th styanza in this poem.  The line 'all we are is all we make', however reminiscent of the Beatles it may be, is still extremely well written.
 — saturated

i wish i could give this more tens.
 — noodleman

well done i love your work
 — unknown

Encore
 — Isabelle5

olid
 — unknown

it every good and locing a person like you
 — unknown

the last 2lines make me cream my pants everytime i read this.
 — omega

umm punctuation...
 — unknown

strong and powerful.
i really like it.
 — prettyinblak

this poem just hits harder every time i read it.

the footnote completes it.
 — mould_jesus

I love this.
 — unknown

wonderful. first read through, the end note made the poem for me. second read, the rhythm. third read, the imagery....well you get the point. bravo. only thing i noticed is L21 feels to have one too many syllables...on the other hand, don't change a thing, 'cause i love it!
 — gem_grrrl

And put- please recycle at the end, so the good trees will forgive your verbious outrising when you hardly share your reverence or care with them who make your artistry possible...unless you do notice such trees. You know there are people in there, in a way...spirit people.
This poem is so cannibalistic it's strange. I really liked it, and then it became ugly and a little pretty with the comet yet reminded me of one's feces steaming in the couple lines before. I'm a little disgusted. Seems like the worm turned for ya when you were creating. Don't let that happen- went a little far I think.
 — C

The previous comment gets a perfect 100/100 on the unintentional comedy scale.

You know its time to move away from northern cali when you start thinking trees are people.
 — root

Where are we going?
 — orange

here's my cherished golden calf - this is perfect
caducus
 — unknown

Now your cooking with grease (as my mother would say)!  Kickass man.
 — themolly

I felt this poem did an exellent job in using descriptive language and imagery to portray a certain mood that was invisioned by the poet. The timing was exstodinary; I loved how the poet used specific syllables and word combinations to improve the audio affect of the poem. I wish there had been more metephores to tie all the loose knots of the several inaffective images and similes left lingering in some of the setences. More over, I enjoyed this poem a great deal!
~ Sean Jenkins
 — unknown

The previous comment ALSO gets a perfect 100/100 on the unintentional comedy scale.
 — noodleman

God damn, the comments are as entertaining as the poem.  GOOD EYE NOODLEMAN!
 — root

:)
 — noodleman

hey, no teasing, its not nice :(
 — duffyj83

I think my comment would win in a fight between the two though.
 — root

perhaps, but no fair on insulting someones intelligence...for shame.

duffy
 — unknown

i guess this is what happens when you combine poetry critique with a six pack and a silly friend.

i'll be more careful in the future, duffyj.

if it makes you feel better you can poke me in the I.
 — root

haha you really ARE being silly :)

duff
 — unknown

: /
 — unknown

: \
 — unknown

i would like to thank you:
it's refreshing to see a line
of rhyme unforced
without compromising
your picture and point.


so thank you, sir.
 — youthculture

Tragic and wonderful as only humans can be.
 — Cloudless

I don't know about trying to rhyme "poems."  The word, that is.  It strikes me as a stretch, no matter how it's done.  And "saline across the sky" doesn't quite work.  "Sailing," maybe?

I'm in love with this poem's meter, even though it's simple.  

Beautiful subject matter.  This is gorgeous.
 — fabglitter

i dont know the name of the poetic device, but it seems obvious to me that sailing is built right into saline, obviated by "across the sky".  there's also railing/ailing, blare/bear, flailing/failing.  and (maybe im reading too much!) "smell them eat" as in, when people like your stuff.
these lines just roll around in my head!
 — unknown

great images, nice poem, i have to read more from you
 — timbosys

sean jenkins needs to invest in a dictionary.
 — themolly

This is awesome.  I am kind of bothered by the broken rhythm of  L8&9, but that’s nothing.  I really like Lines 14-17 and the last two, L20&21.  This is just an excellent poem.
 — Change

Gay poems like these somehow get high ratings... weird
 — unknown

BRILLIANT.
You are the first poet Iv seen on here who has mastered rhyme.

So many, terrrible attempts but this makes up  for it.
 — MFine

A very fine poem. Line 8 and 9 are difficult for me, as is 13, but what a pleasure to read a poem nowadays that has such rhythm, rhyme and reason.
 — cowork

i love it when rhyme is so unforced, so flowing that it seems a part of natural language ... nothing natural here, though it seems that way. i read this for the sound and imagery again and again.
wish i could do this.
 — Bloodfetish

I opened this to copy down into my poetry books--this is again, amazing. I think about lines from this poem at least once a month, bare minimum. I've done so since I first read it. This is amazing, gnormal. Well done.
 — wendz

I find the rest of your poems completely stupid, though this one is, I believe, your best.  The whole thing sounds nice and it rhymes well.  It still makes little sense.  It's a beautiful poem of absolutely no meaning to me lol.  I enjoyed it, though
 — unknown

Great poem about being a poet or any kind or artist. Living our lives and leaving something behind to show for it. I especially love the end and the footnote. This is a wonderful job!
 — wamblicante

I really like this poem, it's rhyme is really good. It's always a bouns to find a poem that rhymes. Good effort. I like your work.
 — smiddy

What a very sensible suggestion.Nice poem lovely imagery
 — larrylark

it's good to accept death?
 — Kauf

This is good. Keep writing, keep perfecting your talent. You have an interesting mind set.
 — unknown

beautiful, yes.

-varun-
 — unknown

where the 1 million rating? argh!
 — varun

I just wanted to say this poem is really awesome and you're right.  I'm gonna start stapling my poems to telephone poles wherever I go starting tomorrow.  Thankyou for this beautiful poem and for the "life" inspirtation.  Good luck in all that you do!
 — starr

i am still in love with this
 — ileviyou

Thought provoking!!
 — unknown

a very beautiful poem
 — unknown

God Bless YOU!  Staple your poems to phone poles!  You ROCK and so does this poem btw.  Thankyou for the inspiration.  It's gonna be -20 tomorrow with the windchill here in Portland, ME, but as soon as it gets warmer, I'm gonna do just that!  Take care and keep on with that awesome outlook!  Love, Starr
 — starr

I LOVE the second verse btw!  It's so deep and so truthful.  
 — starr

i think one of the most impressive things about this long-standing masterpiece
(especially the footnote), is that over the more than three years it's been posted,
the author has commented on it only 6 times.
this author is impressive to me in so many ways.
thank you so much, sir, for continuing to post, and allowing us into
your unique, wonderful world.
i will comment again in a moment, as soon as i find what i'm looking for.
 — unknown

i think this poem is wonderfully illustrated and achieves a brilliant balance of foreground, middleground and background. the composition is unique and its sense of scale is monumental. the play of light and shadow delights and the application of the medium is politely aggressive. the choice of subject matter is universal, yet personal, and the overall effect is aesthetically sophisticated.
 — chuckles

found it!
 — unknown

This was the first 9 I ever gave, all those years ago.  And I still would.  Wow, look at all the poets no longer here!  They were the ones who welcomed me and kept me coming back, week after week.  
 — Isabelle5

so it's their fault.
 — unknown

What a beautiful poem! Why is there no punctuation, my I ask? Is there some profound image behind it, or is it simply your style? I love the little comment on the end, too!
 — bbucsis

i hate all you critics
 — unknown

mediocre
 — unknown

this is beautiful.

beautiful.
thanks
 — theair

I wonder:

you and me are comets we
are comets with streaming tails

------------

you and I are comets, we
are comets streaming tails

why that?  Grammar, plus there was a missing comma (consistancy, why not?)
"with" breaks the rythym (well, you may break rythym if you prefer), but,
if we remove "with", the closing line gains power; it becomes a question as well.

nice poem, g!

Reid
 — netskyIam

FANTASTIC.

The footnote makes it all the better.
 — zack

I'm glad to see this poem back on the top again.
 — SenorSin

netski, i agree with you.
and i went straight away to change it.
but then reading it in context had second thoughts
i think, only because im used to it this way.

your solution is right.
i should have left out the 'with' from the beginning.
but since it's the last line, then new echo doesnt jive with old echo in my head....

on another day i would have hit submit.
today i hesitated.
 — gnormal

I KNEW one day this would hit the top spot.  It's that awesome little footnote that won my heart over.  Congrats!  Very, very deserving!  Love, Starr
 — starr

why so dramatic gnormal?
i changed it.
 — gnormal

interesting
how this seemingly (at first glance) small change
in reality
is actually a very very impactful change.
consider:

you and me are comets we
are comets with streaming tails

you and me are comets we
are comets streaming tails

with becomes a huge-looking word, to me. adding much more than subtracting.
you and me
are
we
are

with

i also like the sound of comets with. comets with. comets with.
i can hear it.
good advice by maestrofreshnets...
 — chuckles

decent
 — unknown

this is a coldplay song who are you kidding
 — unknown

curious. this was first on top rated, and after i gave it a 10 it dropped to third. oops?
 — inutile

it comes off like a spoken poem, at points...eh, just eh
 — unknown

*speechless*

<3
 — luvscost

i so much love your footnote.
 — photobooth

I've always loved gnormal. I'm glad he's back on top.
 — unknown

As an exercise in sonics it's fun. As a poem it's an empty shell.
 — unknown

I dunno. Like, this has had 50 comments but for me, it is nothing.

I have re-read it several times, but it does not make me feel.

Not anything.

I agree wth the previous unknown - it is an empty shell.

But then, I try not to be one of the pack and maybe that has something to do with it. "We", never does it for me.

I appreciate the sound of stanza one coming in waves off my tongue. The words are great. But the meaning is cliche.

There was a coment that said this was like a song, and I agree, it would make a beautiful song.

Thanks for the read in any case.
 — unknown

on a whole, i really liked the poem.  The last four lines are my favorites though.  keep it up!
 — fishykarma

This poem show real talent. The poet has a clear understanding of rhyme and rhtymn as well as good imagery through most of the poem.The message is   very good, nice work here.
 — matthew144

wow.
 — innominate

W-O-W.  positively orgasmic in a non sexual way.
 — unknown

You might like to know gnormal...I've had this poem stuck on my wall for two years.

Thank you.

x
 — musicwords

Love your final suggestion
 — poetbill

a great big "wow" to what musicwords said

dude, if you die tonight, that was a huge fucking compliment

be proud

keep writing...
 — unknown

cool
 — technomancer

awe-inspiring favorite 10
 — fractalcore

The rhymes are excellent.  The ideas are excellent.  third stanza is my favorite.  It flows well.  I also like how the rhyme and meter is not exact.  In the second stanza, I would cut out "smell the meat" since this detracts for me.  Second to last stanza should read "You and I are" for grammatical reasons.  I love the last two lines as a jarring break from the rhythm and form of the poem.  This works on so many levels and only has two minor imperfections in my estimation.  Thanks for a fine poem.

Lucy
 — mnemosyne

Happy new year!
 — unknown

Beautiful.  I admire this and really hope to be able to write with this style and emotion one day.  Wonderful work.
 — cualquier

nice message, nice rhyme.
i can see why this is so popular.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

Couldn't help but return to this poem again.  Besides the intellectual (or emotional) message behind this poem, and the nice rhyming (and inversion in the end), I think that one very strong part of this poem is the rhythm. I absolutely love the opening stanza even though the third is by far my favourite when you open it up to naming each form of expression-- it makes me just sit there reading it to myself aloud wishing the naming, describing, or just one well-placed word after another would not end.  If I could say anything for this poem, I would say that the second stanza deviates from the rhythm and partly the message (or at least from what I get out of it) that the rest keeps consistent.  I'm not sure how it can be altered in any way, but I'm sure there's some significance in it both for the rhythm deviation and the fact that it's the only stanza with 5 lines.  
Regardless, you have your 10 and the poem flows wonderfully, rhymes nicely, and is beautiful in message and content nonetheless.
 — cualquier

simple -- lyrical -- witty -- rhythmical -- and wondrous!
 — AlchemiA

kind of weak word choice, but a true feeling of your having seen what you're talking about and that, with this, you're trying to recreate it in word plastic form. i think that if your aesthetic allowed you to take more chances with vocabulary, this might have transcended revelation and become elegant. that is, that it might be that you wouldn't be afraid of sounding arty or old fashioned. the tails of the lines, the tails themselves, seem desperate solutions rather than harmonics.
 — joey

probably you have a small vocabulary and didn't require him to say more than what you can actually read. that's clever of you. when you reach the fifth grade you'll start reading shakespeare and that will give you an idea of how the poem envelope can be expanded by someone who really likes words and doesn't just write to "say stuff".
 — joey

i like the repetition on we are comets, i am definitely into that line break but it would have had to be more into the rhythm.. you and me are comets we are comets 1-1-1. something with 3 syllables obviously but could be two words or three. this is my favorite part of the poem, well the break is and what it might have become.
 — humblebee

I read this poem the first time and didn't believe in my own perception, I didn't believe it could be as beautiful as it felt.  I read it again and shivered, and again, and I'm realizing now that i've been unconciously holding my breath through this whole comment.
I hope that all this praise you've gotten has helped you know your poem better, because sometimes praise can make ones own work foreign to him and that would be a shame.
Anyway, I don't know what other comments you've gotten, but I personally think I'd use "streaming" as a verb in L21.  I think it would flow better and that the duel meaning-well, not meaning, but whatever you'd call it- would cause that line to end the poem without it ending.  Your poem doesn't feel like it wants to end, Hell it's called "Here we go".  I like that I feel as though it's still going even after the last line.  I just think that L21 as: "are comets streaming tails" would embrace that feeling.  
But, what do I know, I'm the chick who had to remind herself to breathe just 'cause I read a poem. ha
 — Lexie

it seems that it's about "saying the right things" -- that poetry is political -- politics is local. the rush to feel feels anything in the dark -- people are in darkness -- and coins and rubbers feel like silk and skin for love-sick poets. happily, they don't care, and this kind of verse just fades in the face after a week. why look at it when there's idol talk on E!, and some unknown waiting to tell you how good you are?
 — joey

interesting read... i agree with you nobody is gonna look at my hard-drive... but I published 2 books already.  So I intend to die with notarity.
 — LynnFromCT

this should be sung...!! would be interesting.
 — vein

I like this a lot. You have fancy flow and phrases
 — CrudeEcstasy

the post script is what did it for me.
 — amaviena

AWESOME RYHMING!!!!
LOVED IT!!!
 — unknown

really good rhyming and well thought out
 — unknown

just revisiting.

...beautiful...
: )
 — fractalcore

this is quite beautiful, and very true. i really love this
 — unknown

you do not known how much i love this, it is so realistic and true. i love it so much i copied it so i could use it at school for something in english.  it it so beautiful, also. please do more of this writing.
 — unknown

ur mother is an ass
 — unknown

one of the best on this site, one of my faves
 — unknown

here's my revisit after a few years. love this one.
 — mould_jesus

i just love the last 4 lines :)
 — cebukitty

Love it ages ago, love it still.
 — crimsonkiss

i could be the unknown that, joey says, tells you
how good you are but it's been a really long time
since i last had an idea what E! looks like.

this goes beyond entertainment and defies the
need for season or reason to be read at all.

; )
 — fractalcore

wow that's all i can say
 — sese

just revisiting.

still so good and fresh, dude.
: )
 — fractalcore

and revisiting again. can't stay away from this one.
 — mould_jesus

love it!! thanks
 — funes

It's lovely, flows quite well. Thought provoking at the least. Can't wait to read more.
 — Lady_Kathlee

Love this
 — ktalon

yrep
 — unknown

really cool
 — skinner

I probably haven't been on this site in over 5 years. I just now logged in because the last few lines popped into my head a few minutes ago.
 — SenorSin

hey!
;)
 — fractalcore

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