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if we ever meet
jjjjhyde

when we shake hands
 1
mine will make a loud clicking sound
 2
i'll tell you i broke it in a bar fight
 3
and it healed badly
 4
which is a lie
 5
what happened is
 6
i went into the woods behind brookside park
 7
with a bottle of whiskey
 8
it was the summer of two-thousand and four
 9
and i was living in my parent's basement
 10
why i went into the woods that day
 11
i don't know
 12
but there i was
 13
sitting on a log getting good and numb
 14
then i punched that tree three times hard
 15
pretending it was my own face.
 16

24 Jan 07

Rated 8 (9) by 1 users.
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Comments:

very powerful.  Truly love the conversational style and especially in the first 8 lines.  The summer of 2004 line seems to take itself a bit too seriously. The year isn't at all important to the poem, is it?  Also- I'd offer that you extract the suicide attempt in line 11.  All too many of those in poems, you know.  The punching the tree, pretending it was the face of himself - now, that says it all, really, and is vastly more interesting.
I'm not sure "so there you have it" does the poem justice for an ending, though I do enjoy the way the tone comes around full circle.
Respectfully, till
 — tillmorgan

till,

thanks for the input. i think i agree with you.

justin.
 — jjjjhyde

The very last line might need some strengthening.  Instead of it, could it be there you have my life or me, not it?

I felt this, all the way through.  If we ever meet, I'll shake your hand gently and believe whatever story you tell.
 — Isabelle5

isabelle,

thanks for reading,

i'm working on the ending.

justin.
 — jjjjhyde

nice poem.

with the word 'parent'. is it supposed to be singular? if not, then the apostrophe goes after the 's' i think.

for better flow and effect, would you consider:

then i punched that tree hard
twice
pretending
it was my own face.
 — varun

this is fucking awesome
 — CrimsonStorm

v,
crimson,

thanks for reading.

justin.
 — unknown

This should have gotten more reads.  
 — Isabelle5

powerful
 — dia

powerful read, i think i agree with varun with the line breaks, maybe not particularly in that order or read but some sort of variation that preserves the shock of the situation or even amplifies it through discrete enjambment
 — unknown

All lower case? Hmm who else does that? Hey! None of the words rhyme and it's too stark. But it has words so I'll give you a 3. Have a nice day :-).... Gotcha Ha Ha
 — BxPR

So it's Aziel, punknown, raviloiski whatever and jjjjhyde obviously a reference to Moe's holy gawokamoly war. You're slipping, you need to stay away from the Play Dough! But have a nice day anyway :-) LOL
 — BxPR

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