poetry critical

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"A Dedication to Those I'd Kill" as told by Darren P. Johnson
Henry

I'm rather short, for I'm a dwarf
 1
and don't have long to live.
 2
All the people that annoyed me
 3
probably thought that I’d forgive.
 4
And I guess I really should have,
 5
but I know I never will,
 6
so I’ve made a list of people
 7
that before I die, I’ll kill.
 8
 
 
Doug Barnes is my new roommate,
 9
and he isn’t too polite.
 10
He plays WoW at early hours
 11
and he never says “goodnight.”
 12
And he shoves his father’s golf clubs,
 13
in my room beneath the stairs,
 14
so I'll stab him with his dagger
 15
when I think he's least prepared.
 16
 
 
His brother Tom is not so bad,
 17
unless Chris King is there.
 18
They constantly make fun of me
 19
as if I’m not aware.
 20
So I think I’ll beat the brother
 21
with my cane when he’s asleep,
 22
and then after trip their loud friend
 23
down the stairs, which are quite steep.
 24
 
 
Katie Lansing, I have yet to meet
 25
but I can surely tell
 26
from what I’ve heard, I’m sure to find
 27
that she should die as well.
 28
So I’ll sew her sphincter closed
 29
with a needle and a thread
 30
and then feed her tons of cookies
 31
till she eats so much, she’s dead.
 32
 
 
There I'm sure are still more people
 33
that would annoy me, had we met
 34
but we thankfully did not meet,
 35
for they surely would regret
 36
the day that they annoyed me
 37
or were even slightly mean,
 38
To the young, Darren P. Johnson
 39
Who had died at age sixteen.
 40

This is a dedication to Darren P. Johnson, who died in the house of someone I know before he (my aquaintance) moved in. He, his brother, and their friend made fun of him, and Katie is just annoying, so I wrote a poem about what an evil Darren might think if his ghost were still in the house.

31 Jan 07

Rated 9 (6.5) by 1 users.
Active (1): 4, 8, 9
Inactive (15): 1, 1, 1, 1, 3, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

Excellent poem with an excellent story. You should write more often I truely enjoy your work.
 — Borat

Freakin' Genius. Bravo, sir, Bravo!
 — Maximilian

Incredible. Fantastic, flow, rhyme, meter, everything and very amusing to read. I am sorry about your friend though.(10) as there is nothing to improve.
 — marieF

9, it was pretty good there were some rough spots. Like how can you feed someone cookies against their will or even sew their sphincter with out them knowing? At least the couplet is consistant and I guess it makes that part not seem so rocky. I guess you were striving for ideas at Katie Lansing well I guess then it kinda fits because it says that he doesn't know Katie well. Why does chris King only get tripped down steap stairs? Can you die from that? I think not! Maybe chris King should get his own paragraph in this as well. Or maybe he isn't that important.
Just some things to think about.
 — Jillian

Wow, Henry, this was by you? I begrudge the 10 I gave you but you really do deserve it.
 — marieF

Wow...thank you MarieF...thanks a bundle. And you too Jillian, Maximilian and Borat. I didn't think the poem would be so liked...it suprised me. Thank you all. *feels all warm inside and may become nicer on the website*
 — Henry

More power to you Darren/ may your memory haunt the bullies but they are always to most obtuse and incidental of people.
 — unknown

Gr8 work. a fresh new subject from dedication specialist.
 — trochee

Well it's about time Henry "Dedication Master" LeRennet got one of his dedications
onto the Top-Rated list. You deserve it, Henry!
You should dedicate your new-found glory to Poe!
 — unknown

average and thats pushing it
 — unknown

average is 7
check front of site.
 — unknown

you're beyond average. and thats not a good ting
 — unknown

Excellent.  Loved the rhyme, loved the story, loved the empathy.  Good stuff. (9)
 — CervusWright

Your linebreaks are messy and display lack of effort.  Sorry.
 — WordsAndMe

I like it although it does jumble me in spots with the rhythm (or I can't read tonight).  I guess I'm in a strange mood since anything to do with the ass is humouring me this eve...(poo, sphincter), god I'm bored.
Funny poem,
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

Made me smile a lot.
 — wily

Deserves to be rated much higher. funny and clever, even poignant.
 — DeformedLion

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