poetry critical

online poetry workshop



six haiku on poverty
brianuxo

outside restaurant
 1
weather beaten, cold and broke
 2
a man and his dog.
 3
 
 
inside a palace
 4
mustachioed, mustard suit
 5
a man and his money.
 6
 
 
two men different
 7
how can this be under God?
 8
two men, built the same.
 9
 
 
the poor are poorer
 10
as the rich get richer still
 11
disrupts all balance.
 12
 
 
the poor man asks the
 13
rich for cents of his fortune:
 14
who could refuse?
 15
 
 
rich man spits at poor
 16
while fingers open billfold;
 17
he does not know why.
 18

27 Feb 07


(define the words in this poem)
(8 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

I can't cpnsider these poems haiku as they are not about nature but rather are commentary on society.

additionally all the "poems" flow together to createone continuous thought and do not stand alone
therefore are not haiku.

you should study the form before trying to write in it.

Finally the subject is an overused and obvious topic - very pedestrian  wording and ideas.
 — unknown

i agree this is a work in progress by a learning poet. But your comments are unsupportive and a little cruel and heartless.  a beating heart runs through these lines and you cant see it?  In your future comments on this post try to be less cold and more encouraging
 — unknown

well i do so humbly apologize for trespassing on convention: but do so with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

but anyway. they were assigned for class and not limited to nature, so i did not limit myself to nature. and, i think if you approach the haiku individually, they can stand alone.

'you should study the form before trying to write in it' is basically an elitist and self-righteous comment. that's all i need to say.

the subject, sure, has been bandied about. but so has love, and most especially, so has nature. yet they still continue to be common topics. so if these poems must be limited to nature, yet i am criticized for an overused topic, i'm damned either way aren't i? but regardless. i saw the topic personally and wanted to write about it, i didn't just randomly decide to write about the topic.

and i get 17 syllables, of course it's going to seem pedestrian. even Basho's (oops. looks like i may have studied the topic a bit) haiku were very, well, nonplussing in terms of diction. it's the image created by the haiku, and the thought of the reader afterward that gives them any worth.

and for the other unknown, i think i'd rather take his cruelty than your kind-hearted condescension..
 — brianuxo

it's not 'elitist' to subscribe to a form that has been well practiced, subscribed and rendered for centuries by many many many poets

though these 'haiku' conform to the technical and philosophical specifications of the form in the single verse blocks that you present here - they really should have been published individually to be considered 'haiku'

and.. there is no god... you should know that :)
 — Mongrol

Knowing the name Basho is not proof that one has studied japanese poetry.  Basho did not write about the flaws in society.

Your Poem(s)  scream with artificial vanilla flavoring.
One can savor this I SCREAM in any corner quick stop.

A new view - a deeper thought - might bring out the true flavor scraped with real experience from the inside of the bean.

Tis easy for the rich
to shed tears of pity.  
What know ye
of poverty?

Life magazine portrayed your poem 40 or more years ago.  A famous picture of a fat chinese business man sitting outside a cafe with a thin street urchin holding a begging bowl up to the camera.  Remember there are no new ideas only better ways to express them.  

Your poem is a thin, watery greul compared to the poem in that picture.

Educate yourself and live some life before you try to evoke guilt from the public.
 — unknown

This is more closely aligned with senyru. Follows a definition: senryū tend to be about human foibles while haiku tend to be about nature, and senryū are often cynical or darkly humorous while haiku are serious. Senryū do not need to include a kigo, or SEASON WORD, LIKE HAIKU.



I agree with the unknown above. This is not very good or interesting.
 — unknown

i so hate to post poems in the comments, but i just had to...

Unwashed hand raised high
Dignity lost long ago
Sans latte I leave

it's in the haiku form, but i would not call it a haiku.  but what do i know.  does it make you think?  did i turn in disgust, or give the begger what i was going to spend on my latte?  the first in this posting is the best, but still needs work.  dont tell me he's broke, make me beleive he's broke by your words.  
 — unknown

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