poetry critical

online poetry workshop



consumed expectation
paperthin

Alone at the table,
 1
Forgetting repent,
 2
His greasy purple lips
 3
Await aliment.
 4
 
 
With glazed over eyes
 5
He stares at the pile,
 6
Tears out his spoon,
 7
Twists a short smile.
 8
 
 
Hot sweating buds
 9
Sizing their share,
 10
Sizzle with lust
 11
Their hands in the air.
 12
 
 
As the red blossoms bloomed
 13
And remission was certain,
 14
Some angry clouds loomed
 15
Freeing lightening in curtains.
 16
 
 
One mean stray bolt,
 17
Heavy as lead,
 18
Broke the crust of his roof,
 19
Tore through his thick head.
 20
 
 
The man and his meal
 21
Remain stuck to the floor.
 22
In dark colored splotches,
 23
In softening gore.
 24

10 May 02

Rated 7 (7.3) by 1 users.
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Comments:

whoa!!!this one really zapped me!!I wasn't expecting the ending even though it was obviously building up to something.Loved the line "freeing lightning in the curtains".Good imaging and a great imagination!!

M8
 — unknown

this is phenomenal. i love the images you chose and the words you used for their illumination. this is a very striking poem...very original theme, very original presentation. the ryhming pattern is wonderful and very engaging. for some reason this poem really does it for me....one of the best here i've read. "Tears out his spoon/Twists a short smile." great line.
 — postithus

great great flow
 — rafter

really violent and metaphorically resplendent. Excellent use of words, the more i look at it. at first i only picked up the ideas, but now some of the images are coming through beautifully, maybe too strong. best: red blossoms, aliment, softening gore, mean stray bolt, crust of roof. especially softening gore. I love the style of story-allegory, its new to this site. you are god walking on earth, by which i mean you don't exist. still, this poem rules.
 — werkzeug

post more
 — unknown

nice rythem!
 — rb2

intense
 — done

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