poetry critical

online poetry workshop



lunar deity
sunshinesgf

i fill a basin with moonlight
 1
and carry it, brimming with magic,
 2
to the tree i know so well.
 3
 
 
a drop leaks from the hollow mouth,
 4
trickles down my wrist and earthward.
 5
i smell freshwater lilies and
 6
the grass smiles in recognition.
 7
 
 
i plunge a wooden paintbrush into the basin;
 8
i feel a rush of thirst
 9
as i raise it to the wrinkly bark and graze
 10
the trunk with sundry strokes.
 11
 
 
flooded with silver, my tree beams
 12
into the darkness,
 13
hand-crafted bioluminescence,
 14
and my body quakes in craving.
 15
 
 
i lift the bristles, silky as petals,
 16
to my cheeks and anoint
 17
my face in shivering ecstasy.
 18
 
 
i deliver my lips to the cold metal rim;
 19
an intoxicating chill creeps through me,
 20
i feel the moonlight reaching, spreading its icy fingers
 21
into all the crevices of my skin and bones and soul
 22
and i am ablaze with passion as i embrace my tree,
 23
its limbs tingling, my veins pulsing,
 24
two heartbeats echoing the trembling stars,
 25
our blood and sap mingling, blending,
 26
until i am no longer sure
 27
my torso is not a trunk and
 28
that my roots may be only feet, or
 29
that the tree and i are not
 30
a reflection caught on the pond at twilight, or are we?
 31
and we are the moon itself.
 32

4 Apr 07

Rated 10 (9.6) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (6): 8, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(2 more poems by this author)

(5 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

i love the thought that you are drinking the moonlight and it is somehow infesting your body in an ice-like way. this is an idea i've never seen before. is this the only poem you have?
 — unknown

line 6 - leaving what illuminated?  Or did you mean illumination?
Grass smiles?  Not sure about that line.  Maybe it rustles or sways?  It has no mouth to smile with so that line is jarring.

This starts very well but it deteriorates after line 7 for some reason and no longer flows.  You have commas all over the place where they don't belong, too, which slows the reader down.

I like the idea of this but at the end, it's not clear if you're part of the tree or the moon.  You get too involved with the adjectives, etc, and it gets clogged.  Can you lighten it up a bit?
 — Isabelle5

yesyesyes
what would you like a commentor to say?
i could suggest
if you'd like.
L14 bioluminescence
L17 ecstasy
very niftily well
done
 — unknown

ah yesyes
forgot the title
deity (unless you're describing a weight-loss program tree?)
 — unknown

isabelle i think the writer meant "leaves its path illuminated". only he or she said leaves illuminated its path, broken up.

i agree about the commas but other than that i love it. that's exactly how y0ou're supposed to feel, as if you arent sure if the spoeaker is part of the tree or the moon. i believe it is both.

writer? what say you?
 — unknown

everyone thanks so much for the comments.. this is the first poem i ever wrote and you were less harsh than i expected.

thanks for the spell check, deity is right.

isabelle, where would be the best place to remove the commas? and how would you suggest i lighten it up? i feel very strongly about the ending, it is supposed to be confusing but i don't want it to seem clogged.

all comments/suggestions/criticisms welcome :)
 — sunshinesgf

I like the ending, but something is holding this poem back. I can't quite put my finger on it. I agree that this is an original idea though. I think there is some faulty contrast between "bristles" and "silky as petals".
 — unknown

What do you mean by "bioluminesence"? I don't think that really applies to a tree. I may be wrong tho.
 — unknown

beautifully written. i totally get the experience you're trying to convey. the hot/cold contrast in lines 16-21 is great: shivering, ablaze, chill, passion, pulsing. i really feel you.
 — humblebee

i forgot to add how delicious a smell the moonlight has in your poem- freshwater lillies. i love the sound of it and the taste i imagine
 — humblebee

wonderful. i appreciate the original style in which this was written. hmm but i do have one suggestion. i think that you should revise line 22. i understand the effect you were trying to make by repeating "veins pulsing" but i think that you should make the second one different. i think it would sound better if it wasn't as repetitive. maybe write instead "its veins pulsing, my veins rushing with hot sentiment/ two heartbeats echoing the twinkling stars". oh, also i think it would be better to put "two heartbeats echoing the twinkling stars" to its own line. anywho, nice piece. fantastic mood you create. rock on.
 — lanezfairy

so some folks feel that less words can equate to a better poem: "tightening".
so some folks feel that you might be able to distance yourself from the character of this poem (at least until the end, when "my" is used).
i don't care what you do, but both of these options are available to you.
as a quick example:

fill a basin with moonlight;
carry it, brimming with magic
to the tree known so well.
...
smell freshwater lilies;
the grass smiles in recognition.
plunge a wooden paintbrush into the basin;
feel a rush of thirst
raise it to the wrinkly bark and graze...

upon approaching the ending, however, it would become necessary to throw yourself back in there, due to the aforementioned "my". but it may be a neato slap-in-the-face to me, to make me go "whoa"...

good day, eh.  
 — chuckles

a nice dreamy incantation - this will work well spoken directly the Goddess while drawing her down

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

an incantation to the moon goddess is exactly what i wanted it to be, thanks mong! i've read it out loud so many times it's almost strange to read it in print haha.

lazenfairy i get what you're saying. i replaced 'its veins pulsing' with 'its limbs tingling'. i would have used roots instead of limbs but roots is there at the bottom and i'm pretty anal about not using the same word twice. also, right on about the heartbeats line, in my journal it has its own line and i think i lost myself in translation to the web. thanks for the advice!

chuckles.. i understand what you mean. it has so many words. i like what you're saying but my own connection to this piece feels diminished without the repetitive "i". i'll be sleeping on that one for a while, because i definitely have trouble with tightening as you say.

thank you everyone, i never expected so much advice and such a good rating!! i love it here
 — sunshinesgf

fantastically original and provocative of the goddess herself. this is quite a unique piece, and it uses one of my all time favorite imagery items- moonlight. right on sunshine!
 — unknown

L24-28= mind whirling and lovely. L14- in my opinion the strongest line
 — unknown

line 16- anoint my face in shivering ecstasy.. just beautiful. in fact i can see myself doing it. line 12 is kind of weak- consider revising?
 — unknown

thank you. i'm glad you liked it, unknowns everywhere
 — sunshinesgf

everyone already said the things i would have suggested: tightening, commas, etc.
i enjoy the image i get in my head- a girl glowing fluorescent in the middle of the night, probably wearing a long, flowing skirt and hugging a tree. a night time hippie! new concept. better pass that on to grateful dead fans, it will be the new craze. thank goodness for glow in the dark paint, because i think the basin of moonlight would be a little troublesome to procure.
 — zekejacobi

This sounds like something out of one's book of shadows.  Excellent and enchanting; Celtic in a way.  Happy Belated Beltane.  :-)  
 — starr

thanks zeke, thanks a lot starr!
 — sunshinesgf

zeke doesn't even use his own pomes! who cars about his crit
 — unknown

you should try breaking it into stanzas. maybe the flow would increase. i like the passion involved, and i would  think moonlight would be chilling, definitely.
 — unknown

really good. this is like the
light-hearted counterpart of
a flick called The Fountain...
some similarities there
spoken by and seen from
a male's voice and perspective.
: )
 — fractalcore

Can I get a WHAT WHAT punctuation yo!?
 — unknown

I do like this one without capitals and all.. almost as if it's a secret or a shy quiet voice, relying more on feelings/thoughts/soul.
 — unknown

fract and unk, thanks so much for reading!
 — sunshinesgf

this poem is so cool. it's very dreamlike but also life like! i especiall enjoy the way some lines are almost religious or sacred, "anoint my face" "deliver my lips". good poem overall and nice subject matter as well.
 — unknown

I like this better than I did a year ago.  
 — Isabelle5

thank you isabelle! that's great to hear!
 — sunshinesgf

I sometimes think that we read so much, it dulls our sense of poetry. Taking a break can help.  It's like stew, the day after, when all the spices have mingled.
 — Isabelle5

i still like this one, 3 1/2 years later!!!
 — unknown

the moon is the moon.
we are we.

hug the moon.
hug a tree.

just don't go all hippie on me.

;)
 — mandolyn

0.229s