If only I could reach back
to the starting point
of my universe
reach to the roots of
things as they do in
maybe then I could find the reason
why I've come across a black hole
right in the milkiest part of my
too small to be seen by another and
too big to evaporate in a split
second yet slowly,
the warmest part of me.
5 Apr 07
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i always like particle metaphors :)
not too bad either - you did well to weave the themes together
here are my completely rude-in-the-name-of-changing-your-poem-so-it-looks-the-way-i-want -it-to suggestions:
if i could only reach
through the cosmic
to the origin of my universe
reach to the mesons
maybe then i could know
too molecular to be seen
too macroid to evaporate in a sp-
lit second yet slowly, slowly devouring
all my will to love.
that was fun, thanks!
thanks for your comments Mong and chuckles!
well chuckles, I like some of you ideas, but I think I'll use a couple, make it a bit more einsteiny;-)
I love science poems. I don't like the last line. It's already obviously a sort of love poem and I think it would be better to just end with "devouring."
stanza 2, awesome. L15-16, very enjoyable. overall i really liked it
thanks so much for your comments everyone!
abby, I don't like the last line either, I must say. I just thought I should put it in there... I think I'll have to come up w/ sth else though, since it doesn't really match to the feel of the poem.
well, L 21 to "a part of me", I think the rhythm of it is a bit better and it matches to the "particle" aspect... but maybe a slight variation would be better?
yes, i want more of this kind of stuff.
Thanks so much for your comment fractalcore!