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no, child.
midare

no, child,
 1
i will never doubt you;
 2
here, i simply stand by you
 3
and lend a weathered arm
 4
to your world. take what comfort
 5
you may, because i tend to think of myself
 6
as a leaf in the passing
 7
of a moment.
 8
 
 
we all stumble;
 9
 
 
but i will listen
 10
while composing fierce music
 11
to the sound of your voice,
 12
 
 
and the cadence of your emotion
 13
against the rhythm
 14
of this pressing, vibrant passion
 15
to live.
 16

for cora.

5 Apr 07

Rated 7 (8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 4
Inactive (3): 1, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

Some punctuation would be helpful in the last half of the poem. Excellent word choice and imagery.
 — nuggernaut

I like this but for L11. That line throws a bit of cliche into the piece.
Also, the word should be 'bated' though it is commonly, and erroneously, replaced with 'baited'.
Some other take-or-leaves - L3: remove 'will', L8 remove 'of a'.
I think this has a quiet power.
 — Nerva

mm. thanks, you two. i made some changes, as per your suggestions. removed the
'will' from l3 but kept "of a"... i didn't like how it sounded without it there.

ahaha...  i was waiting for someone to pick on line 11, too. i wrote it and grimaced but
kept it anyway because i couldn't think of anything else to put there. i changed it
(replaced?) with another line for now... but it'll probably change again. hm.

anyway, thanks very much for the critiques!

smile!
midare
 — midare

This is sweet. You write as if you are a lot older than you are.
Why for the breaks in the last strophe?

me
 — unknown

i dunno. my gut told me to put one there. so i listened. it usually makes good decisions.
 — midare

title changed. this one sucks too. but it sucks less than the first one. so it's marginally better. hmph.
 — midare

comments, maybe?
 — midare

A simple power, a good message. It would be a bit clearer if you had some more punctuation. I'm not sure if theres  rhyme scheme (not that it needs one) if there was I didnt catch it. Probably cause of my low level of intellegence, if there was one it would have really been brought out with some better punctuatuon.
 — Spencer51320

i unno. i tend to write without punctuation and a lot of capitalization... try reading it using the line breaks as pauses (and where there's punctuation at the end of a break, take a bit of a longer pause, even longer for a period).

thanks for commenting though. :)

smile!
midare

ps. and you probably most likely don't have a low level of intelligence.
 — midare

actually i'm not even sure where i would have to put more punctuation.
if you take the line breaks out and read them as sentences... they're pretty
gramatically correct. i think. hm.

where would you put punctuation here?

er, i could add a comma after line 10. but that's not completely needed. hm.
a comma would break up the cadence too much, i think.
 — midare

I asked about the breaks in the last strophe as far as l14 was concerned. Just wondering if there was a reason as I know you break with purpose. I might have broken it after the comma. Not a biggie...just wondering.
Hope you are keeping well.

me
 — unknown

lah dee dah dee.
 — midare

yes, of course. beautifully composed.

would you consider:

as leaves in the passing
of moments

also, fierce is erm... seeming too fierce? hahaha...

i love how the last three lines are working, here.
but i would like to make a suggestion anyway ;P

and the cadence of your emotion
against the rhythm
of this pressing vibrance,
and passion
to live.



peace.
 — varun

perhaps:

and the cadence of your emotion
against the rhythm
of this pressing,
this vibrance
and passion
to live.
 — varun

I love this! Simply, in its entirity.  
 — skyline

this is sooooooooooooooooooooo potent, sweet and beautiful.  :-)
 — starr

nice sentiments but pressing for a mission to live
 — unknown

I love "fierce music."

There are a lot of cool things going on in this, but I feel like the phrase "take what comfort / you may" is a little weak, seems almost cliche.  Other than that, I think you need to find a different word for "vibrant."  That word seems entirely expected and can offer an opportunity to shock the reader's expectations.  

Anyway, cool.
 — TaylorC

thanks everyone. i changed vibrant, taylor. haha, and i really do know that 'take what comfort/you may' is pretty overused... but i'm in love with the phrase anyway. but thanks!

smile!
midare
 — midare

you write beautifully. however, i would like you to say more with your words.

meant in kind critique,
 — jumpoline

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