poetry critical

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no, child.

no, child,
i will never doubt you;
here, i simply stand by you
and lend a weathered arm
to your world. take what comfort
you may, because i tend to think of myself
as a leaf in the passing
of a moment.
we all stumble;
but i will listen
while composing fierce music
to the sound of your voice,
and the cadence of your emotion
against the rhythm
of this pressing, vibrant passion
to live.

for cora.

5 Apr 07

Rated 7 (8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 4
Inactive (3): 1, 10, 10, 10

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Some punctuation would be helpful in the last half of the poem. Excellent word choice and imagery.
 — nuggernaut

I like this but for L11. That line throws a bit of cliche into the piece.
Also, the word should be 'bated' though it is commonly, and erroneously, replaced with 'baited'.
Some other take-or-leaves - L3: remove 'will', L8 remove 'of a'.
I think this has a quiet power.
 — Nerva

mm. thanks, you two. i made some changes, as per your suggestions. removed the
'will' from l3 but kept "of a"... i didn't like how it sounded without it there.

ahaha...  i was waiting for someone to pick on line 11, too. i wrote it and grimaced but
kept it anyway because i couldn't think of anything else to put there. i changed it
(replaced?) with another line for now... but it'll probably change again. hm.

anyway, thanks very much for the critiques!

 — midare

This is sweet. You write as if you are a lot older than you are.
Why for the breaks in the last strophe?

 — unknown

i dunno. my gut told me to put one there. so i listened. it usually makes good decisions.
 — midare

title changed. this one sucks too. but it sucks less than the first one. so it's marginally better. hmph.
 — midare

comments, maybe?
 — midare

A simple power, a good message. It would be a bit clearer if you had some more punctuation. I'm not sure if theres  rhyme scheme (not that it needs one) if there was I didnt catch it. Probably cause of my low level of intellegence, if there was one it would have really been brought out with some better punctuatuon.
 — Spencer51320

i unno. i tend to write without punctuation and a lot of capitalization... try reading it using the line breaks as pauses (and where there's punctuation at the end of a break, take a bit of a longer pause, even longer for a period).

thanks for commenting though. :)


ps. and you probably most likely don't have a low level of intelligence.
 — midare

actually i'm not even sure where i would have to put more punctuation.
if you take the line breaks out and read them as sentences... they're pretty
gramatically correct. i think. hm.

where would you put punctuation here?

er, i could add a comma after line 10. but that's not completely needed. hm.
a comma would break up the cadence too much, i think.
 — midare

I asked about the breaks in the last strophe as far as l14 was concerned. Just wondering if there was a reason as I know you break with purpose. I might have broken it after the comma. Not a biggie...just wondering.
Hope you are keeping well.

 — unknown

lah dee dah dee.
 — midare

yes, of course. beautifully composed.

would you consider:

as leaves in the passing
of moments

also, fierce is erm... seeming too fierce? hahaha...

i love how the last three lines are working, here.
but i would like to make a suggestion anyway ;P

and the cadence of your emotion
against the rhythm
of this pressing vibrance,
and passion
to live.

 — varun


and the cadence of your emotion
against the rhythm
of this pressing,
this vibrance
and passion
to live.
 — varun

I love this! Simply, in its entirity.  
 — skyline

this is sooooooooooooooooooooo potent, sweet and beautiful.  :-)
 — starr

nice sentiments but pressing for a mission to live
 — unknown

I love "fierce music."

There are a lot of cool things going on in this, but I feel like the phrase "take what comfort / you may" is a little weak, seems almost cliche.  Other than that, I think you need to find a different word for "vibrant."  That word seems entirely expected and can offer an opportunity to shock the reader's expectations.  

Anyway, cool.
 — TaylorC

thanks everyone. i changed vibrant, taylor. haha, and i really do know that 'take what comfort/you may' is pretty overused... but i'm in love with the phrase anyway. but thanks!

 — midare

you write beautifully. however, i would like you to say more with your words.

meant in kind critique,
 — jumpoline