poetry critical

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on easter
jumpoline

i saw her,
 1
head above the altar lilies she
 2
was beautiful born swimming,
 3
full-throating white
 4
light.
 5
 
 
creased robe heavy wrapped,
 6
brow unfurling, blushed;
 7
a fresco brushed.
 8
 
 
lamb's eyes flow tears, years
 9
as little boy
 10
grips hand grins big
 11
at mama taking a bath
 12
in church.
 13

11 Apr 07

Rated 9 (9.5) by 1 users.
Active (1): 9, 10
Inactive (3): 9, 10

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(12 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

i would be most interested in feedback if you please. thanks.
 — jumpoline

hey, I just wanted you to know that I really like this poem.
I will come back when I'm logged in,
right now I'm preoccupied.
Jen-
 — unknown

hi, it's me again,
just wanted to say that I really like your poem.  
I'd love to see the lines broken up a bit though, and the removal of
"so like a fresco".  
Just:
"wrapped brow unfurls;
a fresco, brushed
spring flows
tears..."

I'm not the one to tell you about line breaks, but this is sorta what I mean.
nice writing, any dangdiddley way.
Jen
 — whalebone

thanks for the criticism. Excellent.
 — jumpoline

hi whalebone i tried to return the favor but you have no poems. please post one.
 — jumpoline

Hi Jumpoline,

I loved the last line which i did not expect. They say confession is good for the soul and this one flows really well . I thought the first stanza sublime.

Larry absent from church but big on the spiritual Lark
 — larrylark

thanks larry lark.
 — jumpoline

would anybody else care to critique?
 — jumpoline

jumpoline,
forgive me,
i had a couple poems under that name;
ones I never wanted anyone to know were mine, but I gave myself up commenting in that name here.  Anyway, i have since deleted them and retired the account.

you have commented on a few of my poems, thank you.

As for the changes here, I love them.
(i think it would read better w/out "and" in L3,
just adding punctuation at the end of L2.
but that's it, you have captured something beautiful, fragile and even funny, in a very delicate way.
This poem is my favourite right now, worth a many 10.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

ps.  I prefer the title "On Easter".
"day" seems redundant, no?
 — jenakajoffer

Thank you. I think you're right about the title.

And o need to thank me for reading your poems. it was a pleasure.

respectfully,
 — jumpoline

lovely.
 — unknown

Thank you; anything more concrete?
 — jumpoline

yesyesyes
verysentimentallyrite-like
L2 i think lilies?
L3 i think strike and?
L7,8 are very neat
L9-12 the change to her little boy ( i think it was just child before?) has put more
context to your words. the scene becomes less mysterious. but it also leaves me slightly more satisfied that i understand a tad better what has gone on...
well done
(i always swallow. although i am aged and happy. ;) )
 — chuckles

yes i think thats better misters chuckles
 — jumpoline

any other nudges?
 — jumpoline

i nudge you with a little thanks for writing this. you really don't need to add a single word. nice work.
 — listen

thanks listen
 — unknown

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