| 33 killed
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trochee
| was with someone | 1 |
the day televisions spoke | 2 |
about injuries within | 3 |
and the offended fortunes | 4 |
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our breaths that had gathered | 5 |
quiet silences | 6 |
were calmed | 7 |
by the blatant commercials | 8 |
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it was obvious | 9 |
as her hand moved | 10 |
over her forehead | 11 |
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she was wondering | 12 |
if our children would meet | 13 |
their fate | 14 |
as these children never did | 15 |
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18 Apr 07 |
Rated 7.5 (8.5) by 4 users.
Active (4): 6, 9, 10
Inactive (2): 3, 9, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(68 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
yes i like - nicely observed hypocrasy of media and human knowing
understated and tightly constructed - no excessive dross or hand-wringing why-o-why did this have to happen to this piece - clear and interesting
-Mong-
— Mongrol
you do write for the masses, dont you?
— unknown
i see one of the unknown masses chooses to skulk while commenting
— Mongrol
this is a rather nice ode to those that are now departed. that was such a tragic event, and the school and the people affliated with it are in my prayers. why such a travesty happened is beyond my understanding, but the lord does work in mysterious ways. somehow good shall come of this.
— Reverend
televisions tell not speak. the lack of comma between injured cruelty makes a mockery of this line. offended fortunes is a nonsense concept. in short this is worse than dobble-de-gook.
— unknown
Millions awakened? MILLIONS? I admit, this is most definitely a horrible occurance, but people say things like "oh how awful," and then seonds later continue talking about how they have to bring their dog to get his nails clipped, or complain about how their dress has to be returned to the store because it has a run in the sleeve, or that how annoying it is that they forgot to get eggs at the store when they were last out. People say, "oh what a horrible and dreadful thing...those poor families" but then never give it another thought. they gripe just moments later about how they have to visit a relative they really don't want to see, or complain about how the priest's sermon was too long, or gossip about how the Avon's lady 15 year old daughter is pregnant.
some people geninuely care and are saddened by this event. they are the people with the closest ties to the school. some people that are more distant care as well of course too. the people that I have seen are too caught up in their own little lives to give a damn about this. some complain about how america is going down hill and that the shooting is proof...they're more concerned with america's well-being than the families of those killed. some genuinely care. I wish there were more who did.
in summation, this poem did not adequetly sum up such an event. try to make the poem less about you. 5/10
— Henry
>> televisions tell not speak.
well mate .. it solely rest on poets instinct and imagination how he wants to use a metaphor or an idea which wouldnt look cliched but would still make sense... anyways thnx for reading ...
and yea any suggestions about line 3 are welcome
— trochee
Henry i agree with you there are people who are the exact clone of what you have described ... the gossip mongers, page 3 elites et al...
but the person i am talkin abt is universes away from these... this wasnt about someone filing their nails and wondering if they would miss their next appointment with the hairstylist because of the shootings...
and i never tried to sum up the event ... i have just tried to express one moment.
one moment that made us think.
— trochee
from the poem alone it's hard to know what you were trying to say. step back from your writing, it's not conveying what you think it is.
— unknown
I like it, Troch. It would take a poet to put something so horrifically real into words. Good job. Very sad. And even if you DIDN'T know anyone there, these kinds of events affect all people who have hearts everywhere. Innocent people lost their lives doing a very routine thing: going to school for the day. Good job!
— starr
I am confused about the offended fortunes. No fortunes involved that I can see, unless you mean fate fortune? Injured cruelty is also a little vague to me.
Our breath -
What blatant commercials calmed you? That also makes no sense to me.
It is not obvious to the reader that "she" (the person with you?) is wondering anything. You gave us no facial expression, no words, nothing to imagine someone is wondering about anything.
These children DID meet their fate. It was to die that day.
I think you have the makings of something better than this, with some padding, so that the reader is in your head. I don't feel as if I can get into this the way it's written.
I would love to see it revised.
— Isabelle5
If we're talking fate here, then Isabelle is right.
[on looking back] one's fate is that which has occurred
Maybe change it to... would meet/ the same fate / as these children have
or something like that anyway.
— DeathShards
i liked this poem
the way
you had it before...
— chuckles
yeh me too :)
— Mongrol
You should have taken Isabelle's advice.
— unknown
ohh well i am confused now...
— trochee
Hi Trochee
This is so sensitive to a tragic event yet so powerful. I thought the 2nd stanza quite superb and the last two so finely observed. I couldn't believe it on the BBC the other morning when they were interviewing some guy who was advocating that all students going on campus should be armed and if they had this tragedy could have been averted. Needless to say he was an advocate for the powerful gun lobby which seems to be able to block any move towards a reducing of access to weapons.
Larry for peace Lark
— larrylark
removed the "i"s and the sympathizing message from the footnote... i hope this poem isn't about me anymore.
— trochee
Thnx larry... encouraging as always.
— trochee
i remember this poem and being disappointed when you changed it because i found that when you had line 9 all by itself and lines 10 and 11 tacked on with 12-15 as one stanza that
it was obvious
was just really big and i don't know what else
it just seemed big
— chuckle_s
Thought Provoking.. !!!
— timsworld
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