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Sojourns of a Melody
xPandorax

Wisps of an arpeggio
 1
Rippling like clear waves
 2
Scattered by an unknown hand
 3
To lap upon capricious shores
 4
 
 
Sweet Song stretches languidly
 5
Sprawled across the waving green
 6
Directing all roads that bend
 7
Into the Elysian Fields
 8
 
 
There haunting the plains
 9
Walk the shapeless contours
 10
Of untamed emotions left unfettered to run free
 11
Pounding out the irresistible rhythm
 12
Of a march toward an unknown
 13
Distant horizon
 14
 
 
There liquid fire sears the rivers of impulse
 15
The serenity of its surface
 16
Conceals the sweeping current
 17
Its veins throbbing a silent threat
 18
Of poison laced intoxication
 19
Raging through its heart
 20
 
 
And silkily coiling around cold metal eaves
 21
The tinkling of aluminum drips with velvet tunes
 22
Screeched from the lungs of five stringed throats
 23
Echoes until evermore
 24
An ageless primal call
 25
 
 
A melody wanders eternally among
 26
The squalor of an iron city
 27
Hers a kaleidoscope beauty
 28

27 Apr 07

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Comments:

Beautiful.
 — azure

I like the intent of this. There are some things I find awkward here. Switching syntax - poetic phrasings, are useful to bring the reader's attention to a particular phrase, but you have done this throughout the entire poem, so it's hard to focus... like a melody, a poem should have highs and lows, rhythm and flow, but here, each line seems equally important, so makes it feel like the end of the poem is not the end. It also causes you to miss some subject verb agreement (e.g. line 6 "contours" is the subject, so the verb should be "walk")

Same with verb tenses... is there a particular reason you switch from present progressive to present and back throughout?
 — unknown

Thanks for the useful criticism, poem is now edited and updated.
 — xPandorax

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