poetry critical

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5 year itch, 12 lines long.

Today is a fine day.
to spontaneously combust.
Written with the feathers of 10 thousand pigeons
my story comes together in a vast lack of proportion.
I started in harsh and lived with the lazy
Now, I wish to end with the depth of oceans.
I hope a simple list with little provocation
will induce my standards and perhaps my desire:
I knew the delusion of childhood lust,
the hot faced blunders that haunted me
for what seemed to be an eternity,
though now I find those weeks
pass by as mere hours.
I was the son of an angel and a whore,
my mother told me as she inhaled
powdered euphoria,
white as snow, interrupting herself
with sighs of nostalgia.
I understood the wrath of an icy queen in heat.
My love could never warm her,
though I did find my lips,
moist with cold sweat,
painfully stuck to hers.
I fell in love with girl that had no soul,
though she was an excellent actress.
Her body made the motions,
and those delicate smiles formed,
but on a mask she never removed.
I fell in love with my savior,
though he wasn't a holy man.
In retrospect, I notice
he only held his hand out
and I took it by accident.
I knew the fists of an angry god,
for I am punished for my father's sins
in the form of demons
that want me miserable,
confused, unhappy, so badly.
I was always in love with myself as a woman,
as I've never been blessed
with the delicate procedures
and savory understandings
that a woman is supposed to have.
We will sail away
on invisible text,
size 8 font,
over a white background,
and pray never to be highlighted.

While this poem isn't 12 lines long, the applicable definitions of "love" to a human being is.

5 May 07

Rated 10 (9.5) by 1 users.
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I'm kind of insulted.  Even if it's a bad review, someone review it.
 — Aziel

You shouldn't be offended. Many poems get overlooked here; that's just the way it seems to go. Eventually, though, things have a way of balancing.

okay then,
here goes:

spelling checked: spontaneously, pigeons, savior

This certainly snared my rapt attention, but why not jump out of your lexicon and find edgier words to replace

angel, whore, savior, lust and soul

Line 7 is very interesting ( but then again, seven seems to be a magical number: seven sins, seventh heaven, seven pure emotions )

a little appeased now, Aziel?
 — banditfemme

girl who, not girl that.
We shall, not we will.

A list is not a poem, though.  Can you put this into poem form now that you have your thoughts down?

Why are you insulted that no one read this immediately?  How many poems do you read immediately?  Give it some time, okay?  
 — Isabelle5

I'm rarely on anymore, so I'm supposing a lot are never seen by me.

But I do understand I should be more patient.  It just irked me that a few works that were tolerable at best, as the comments told, held more attention in 5 minutes than I have in 2 days.  Thank you for the reviews, I truly appreciate it.
 — Aziel

I don't like the form of this at all. The numbered list doesn't say 'poetry' to me at all. I like the some of the statements made after those numbers but I think you'd do well to swirl it altogether in a tidy little emotional piece. L2 and 3 are my favorite of the whole piece.
 — nakedowl

I've fixed it.  I realize it wasn't much of a poem after time had passed.
 — Aziel

well i sure am glad it's not a list anymore.
i am liking your writing quite a bit,
(it was your thread that made me laugh, so thanks for luring me over).

i like the use of whore and angel, and you know what? i also like many other words that people diss for being considered cliche, but hell, it really depends on the poem.  they worked for me in this poem.

my only pickie would be line 39 with "so badly", (pretty weak description).
you could say "so badly unhappy" maybe but there are stronger words.
thanks for letting me go on
and on.
 — jenakajoffer

I like reading it out loud.

They want me so miserable
so confused
so unhappy
so badly

does that make more sense?
 — Aziel

nice poem, Aziel.
i think i'd read this months before
but never commented.

i guess it reads well/better now though
i don't really have a clear memory of
its original look.

got to take a bath now; i feel so itchy.
: )
 — fractalcore


It looked like poo, with numbers and everything.  ):
 — Aziel

it's a good thing we are able to make ourselves
better when we get the chance.

nice writing.
: )
 — fractalcore

I like this a lot, but if the text is invisible, then how can it be size 8 font?  Do you see where I'm comin' from?  This is very deep, very honest writing.  That's why it sticks with me.  In L's 36 & 41, I don't think you need the preposition "for."  In fact, I think it reads better without them.  While the title is a little misleading, the poetry that follows is like a vaccum of emotion and it sucks the reader in.  :-)
 — starr

The invisible text is a personal discovery i've made in an online journal of someone I know.  They make hidden text the same color as the background and unless it's highlighted, which I do when I read most times. ;D

In line 36, it flows perfectly in my personal opinion.  35 and 36 are not separate statements, they're one thought, and it would sound annoying to me were I to remove that simple word.

Footnote is in reference to the title.

 — Aziel

 — Aziel

gneiss to read this again.
 — fractalcore

Lack of reviews, same happens to me. There's the rub, when you post. Published poet, beginner, or whatever. Helps to be someone's friend. Incestuous.
 — unknown

I'm kind of insulted - you haven't replied to my comment.
 — unknown

Better title: 5 year itch, 12 inches long
 — unknown

This poem was newly commented on hours ago.

What's the point of commenting, if the author doesn't reply?
 — unknown