poetry critical

online poetry workshop

when are you going to hit me?

she demanded
during a drunken argument
about her male friend
and my jealousy.
every man
she'd been with
even her own father
had used knuckles.
week later
i showed at a party
i wasn't supposed
to make.
she was in a back room
on a futon
with some snake-skinned
black guy (not
the friend)
the fuck
you want?
nothing man,
wrong door.
she was x'd
out of her
hadn't even
i stood at the door
then i
three days later
she showed up
at my apartment.
she had a
black eye.
go ahead,
i know you
want to.
she dropped to her
stuck her chin out.
i forgave her
kept on forgiving
for seven months.
i was nineteen.
in love
for the first time.
didn't yet know
how to treat
a whore.

12 May 07

Rated 10 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (1): 8

(define the words in this poem)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


great bones for a poem, but as the lecture always goes: gimme much less tell and far more show. Muzzle the cliché voice.  Furthermore, your lead-in is not clear. What did she demand?

For example, instread of

didn't yet know
how to treat  
a whore.

something along these lines:

didn't yet know
how to stretch
open holes.
 — banditfemme

oh jesus.  powerful.
 — Talon

like this a lot. but maybe the title isn't fitting, just because of its blunt question, which, although matching the beautifully blunt poem, is a little too dialectical.

just a thought. still a great poem, the title just makes it seem second rate, which it isn't. i think because you give away a lot of it, and the poem itself lets you draw up so many (colorful?) conclusions.

favorite, regardless.
 — listen

interesting trip to ugly
 — afterbirth

: )
 — fractalcore