poetry critical

online poetry workshop



when are you going to hit me?
unknown

she demanded
 1
during a drunken argument
 2
about her male friend
 3
and my jealousy.
 4
 
 
every man
 5
she'd been with
 6
even her own father
 7
had used knuckles.
 8
 
 
week later
 9
i showed at a party
 10
i wasn't supposed
 11
to make.
 12
 
 
she was in a back room
 13
on a futon
 14
with some snake-skinned
 15
black guy (not
 16
the friend)
 17
 
 
the fuck
 18
you want?
 19
 
 
nothing man,
 20
wrong door.
 21
 
 
she was x'd
 22
out of her
 23
mind.
 24
 
 
hadn't even
 25
recognized
 26
me.
 27
 
 
i stood at the door
 28
paralyzed.
 29
 
 
then i
 30
puked.
 31
 
 
three days later
 32
she showed up
 33
at my apartment.
 34
 
 
she had a
 35
black eye.
 36
 
 
go ahead,
 37
i know you
 38
want to.
 39
 
 
she dropped to her
 40
knees,
 41
stuck her chin out.
 42
 
 
i forgave her
 43
then.
 44
 
 
kept on forgiving
 45
for seven months.
 46
 
 
i was nineteen.
 47
 
 
in love
 48
for the first time.
 49
 
 
didn't yet know
 50
how to treat
 51
a whore.
 52

12 May 07

Rated 10 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (1): 8

(define the words in this poem)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

great bones for a poem, but as the lecture always goes: gimme much less tell and far more show. Muzzle the cliché voice.  Furthermore, your lead-in is not clear. What did she demand?

For example, instread of

didn't yet know
how to treat  
a whore.

something along these lines:

didn't yet know
how to stretch
open holes.
 — banditfemme

oh jesus.  powerful.
 — Talon

like this a lot. but maybe the title isn't fitting, just because of its blunt question, which, although matching the beautifully blunt poem, is a little too dialectical.

just a thought. still a great poem, the title just makes it seem second rate, which it isn't. i think because you give away a lot of it, and the poem itself lets you draw up so many (colorful?) conclusions.

favorite, regardless.
 — listen

interesting trip to ugly
 — afterbirth

wow.
: )
 — fractalcore

0.255s