poetry critical

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autistic boy
jumpoline

down the playground
 1
mulch
 2
between my toes
 3
painful
 4
but i like it.
 5
 
 
left arm arcing brian
 6
towards the willow, up
 7
skyward;
 8
i am daring god
 9
to take him
 10
back.
 11
 
 
five long years
 12
never said a
 13
single word, still
 14
craps himself.
 15
fifty grand
 16
a year for
 17
silent drool.
 18
 
 
at three
 19
he was still cute
 20
running off with toys
 21
flapping like a pelican
 22
chewing on his
 23
sopping sleeve;
 24
now all we get is
 25
the evil eye
 26
out here.
 27
 
 
the sun's going down;
 28
i'll kick back soon
 29
catch the hot body contest
 30
on hbo, play with my balls.
 31
i dare my wife to
 32
say something.
 33

15 May 07

Rated 10 (7.8) by 4 users.
Active (4): 9
Inactive (36): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 6, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

no criticisms of this.  It's gut punch of a poem.  well done!
 — netskyIam

I can only empathize.
Such a heart-wrenching poem,
the guilt, blame, love, confusion..."daring god to take him back", oh how sad.

I know of the flapping pelican, although my 7yr old bird is a different breed.
Thank you for writing,
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

thanks for reading netskyiam, jenakajoffer.
 — jumpoline

f-ing awesome!

-elgecko
 — unknown

no nits. just awe.
 — midare

thank you for your kind words, elgecko, midare.
 — jumpoline

L's 28 through 33 are killer.  Very masculinely charged writing.  The images woven throughout are pretty killer too.  I don't know much about autism, but after seeing the movie, "House of Cards," I can sort of imagine.  I'm glad that Jen got to read this too.  I might consider a space between L's 31 & 32.  I think it would separate the two thoughts rather than just leave them jammed together.  Excellent writing.  :-)
 — starr

thank you, starr.
 — jumpoline

Did you have no caps on purpose and if so, for what purpose?  

What a sad poem, how special for this person that you take him for happy outings.  You brought us along to see the struggle as time marches on.
 — Isabelle5

i write with no caps because
a. i am lazy
b. i like the way it looks
c. i like as little punctuation as possible because i think line breaks are king and i like readers to find their own voice without my prodding
d. i think it makes me seem hip like ee cummings

mostly d.

if anyone ever gives you a different answer to that question, i guarantee they are full of horseshit.
 — jumpoline

e.e. cummings wrote some sweet shit.  :-)
 — starr

yes he did.
 — jumpoline

your answers to Isabelle are wonderful,
especially (a). lol
I had to read this poem again,
it means a lot to me to see others write of a topic
so close to my life,
regardless of the differences in severity.
thank you.
 — jenakajoffer

love your boy. children are.
 — jumpoline

hmm my brother's one of these.
 — ruyi

How sad! I understand the frustration and guilt you feel for feeling so frustrated. You put it into poetry well. No crit to give except in L31, what is hbo?
I would ask you to capitalize and punctuate where appropriate but read the answer you gave to Isabelle! Your honesty is refreshing and amusing!
 — angrychick

hbo is home box office a cable channel in the us.
 — jumpoline

Oh. Nothing to say. I love L6-11.
 — skinnyJon

appreciate your words.
 — jumpoline

three days ago this poem made me start writing something.

one thousand words later, here am i to comment. it is a high art. this one furthers the greater good because someone somewhere was in a lot of pain and it may not have been you at all, but it didnt go to waste, the pain. dassall. tanks.
 — OKcomputer

Something all of the thirteen year old poets on this site can apperciate...
 — unknown

i like the poem up until the last stanza, its not that i don't like the stanza itself, it just kills the mood of the poem i think.
 — MrFetus

Hi jumpoline

some of the lines here are absolute stand outs. 4th stanza heart rending.

Larry
 — larrylark

painfully effecting
 — skyline

How pathetic that this is considered a good poem.
 — unknown

I think that this is a wonderful poem. I have seen what autistic people go through, and I can really appreciate your poem.
 — unknown

6-11 are the greatest

this is wonderful.
 — madderhatter

You know what I really like about this? It's not all the touching verses about the boy, which are great, by the way-it's the characterization of the father. Brilliant, especially lines 9-11 and the very last stanza. It took me out of the "here's the typical way I feel I should feel about autism and those who have it" into the head of someone who lives with the experience daily, who loves his kid, but who's tired, exasperated, and bewildered. Excellent work. I hope you consider this for publication.
 — blee73

appreciate your words. thank you for reading, blee.

respectfully,
 — jumpoline

Growth happens when correcting the negatives, not when applauding the positives.
 — unknown

gee thanks master woo.
 — jumpoline

...therefore growth is subdued by mockery and sarcasm.
 — unknown

please go on
 — jumpoline

nice face
too bad about the growth
 — unknown

uh huh
 — unknown

yeah uh huh
 — jumpoline

intelligent. selfish. honest. 10
 — amaviena

thanks
 — unknown

This is honest! Angry and a little sinister! Read Re-inventing us for a little perspective! Great stuff though!
 — unknown

makes me ache...
for the wife
for the son
for the father
in that order
 — unknown

a friend from years back told me we're all autistic.
i drool at the memory and fact.
favorite.
 — fractalcore

master woo...
that's great
 — chuckle_s

oh yeah
it's a nice poem although i'd be inclined to put a space between 2 and 3, and 4 and 5.
good luck to ya
 — chuckle_s

poetry doing what it does best, takes me outside my life, leaves it on one side, and punches me in the belly. hurts , but reminds me i am alive after all.
 — crimsonkiss

Excelllent poem.  Keep writing stream of conscious style, you are very good at it.  The second stanza chokes me up and the last stanza shows how something like this can pull a couple a part.

Lucy
 — mnemosyne

love it, doubt it's honest, but very clever poem
 — smcyrone

maybe i just hope its not honest, lines 4&5 are the only things id tweak, anyone else with me on that?
 — smcyrone

Oooh... hot shit.  I love it.
I would connect the "dare" sections to be more concrete and tie into each other for more consistency.
Other than that... this is flawless.  Good stuff.
If this is reality-based, I'm sorry about your struggle.  I'm sure it is really hard for you and I admire your strength and tenacity.  Luckily, there is a LOT more support out there and an immense book of research on the disorder  compared with a few years ago.  My prayers are with you...
 — aforbing

Absolutely an awesome write. Nothing more to say on that.
However, your response to the question regarding why you write without caps I also thought was an awesome write. :) In fact, there may be a poem buried within it. I used to write that way as well and though you may think it's horseshit I did it mostly because I think that the word 'I' (being a pronoun) really never deserved a capital. We don't capitalize 'she' and we only see 'he' capitalized in reference to God so I found it rather vain to capitalize 'I'. I also did it due to the reasons you listed as b and c. As for ee cummings, I never really gave it any thought.
 — nakedowl

Like? it. Packs a brutal punch. Has the bitter taste of truth. Not sure about how the the last stanza connects to the rest.
 — jarvick

Very powerful voice and images.  Line 27 is fantastic!  There really is a place called "out here" when you are working closely with an autistic child.  The poem brings us to the edge of "out here" but no further.  Very frustrating indeed.

After line 27 the poem seems to lose its focus.  Maybe it was intentional on your part but the last stanza seems to weaken an otherwise powerful poem.

As for capitalization- whatever floats your boat.

Thanks for the great read.
 — frogpond

totally powerful!
 — unknown

appreciate the comments
 — unknown

how do you think it connects jarvic im curious as to your thoughts. im serious. im not able to be objective like you.
 — unknown

just revisiting.

...beautiful...
: )
 — fractalcore

wow, it really puts the harshness of the disorder into reality...
makes others see the difficulty of parenting these children
 — RoseOnAWall

this is fucking great. i really like this good job.
 — lostkid

great line breaks, great voice, very well written.... nice work
 — MCulyer

thanks.
 — jumpoline

jumpy, noticed on a few of your poems that you indulge the word
"towards" now i have no problem with the word itself, but i think it sounds much better as 'toward'.
nice to read your stuff again.  
it's awesome.
 — jenakajoffer

wow. powerful.
 — Sequiturist

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