poetry critical

online poetry workshop



G flat major
sir_I_clan

the man downstairs
 1
hates watching television
 2
thinks I should be doing
 3
something manual
 4
or watching Fawlty Towers
 5
 
 
always asking if i'm ok
 6
i want to say no but
 7
i've always said yes
 8
my thought displacement
 9
has simply eroded the words
 10
 
 
he wonders like most
 11
how I can
 12
watch television
 13
read a newspaper
 14
listen to music
 15
and hold a conversation
 16
 
 
last night he played guitar,
 17
for those thirty minutes
 18
my mind was content
 19
not to think about myself
 20
or my situation
 21

22 May 07

Rated 8.5 (7.3) by 4 users.
Active (4): 7, 8, 10
Inactive (25): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 3, 6, 7, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(32 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

*Fawlty? Good Poem.
 — unknown

I like the way this poem reads but I don't understand line 5 - Should that be 'Fawlty Towers' ? If it is why would he prefer you to watch it if he hates TV?

Also, I think it needs some punctuation, for example in the fourth verse there should be a comma at the end of line 17, it makes no sense without it.

I Do like it though.
 — Macbear73

macbear , thank you .
He likes films / dvds .
 — unknown

This has a very dark and mysterious kind of feel to it.  I like it a lot.  The mood is certainly there and well represented; painted in language.  Nice.  The title itself speaks wonders.  I would agree that with some punctuation it could be even more flavorful.  As it stands, though, not too shabby at all.  Right on.
 — starr

relentless...I understand this state of mind

I enjoyed this piece. Maybe using the words 'either be doing something manual or..' would convey the point, if I got the point being he wants you to do one thing at a time...

I wouldnt change a thing (maybe that above, but it is your poem).  
 — ilenelush

ahhh...yes I too like this. Buuuuut--(this is the part which sucks about crit's lol) I disagree about the punct. thing which is very unusual for me because as a rule I'm a huge fan of punctuated poems, lol--but I put my finger over the screen and it read fine without any, and to me it seems like if you are going to punct. a line here or a line there, you need to punctuate steadily...LALALA but anyway, it is a good poem, despite my punct. issues!
 — gem_grrrl

Thanks starr , it means allot , I loved the title , in French my name is G and the person below lives in a flat, apparently where he comes from it was compulsorily to sign up , he just missed it , I wanted to play with manual as in Manuel ( see below ) and link it to faulty towers ( English sitcom ) but the first two people who commentated complained about not spelling it write and I suppose I gave in . the place where we live is slowly being repaired and isn't the norm .

thanks gem_grrl , I'm not good at punctuation .

Stout , the man downstairs is a big softy .

http://www.yo utube.com/watch?v=I_VYahjKldA
 — sir_I_clan

nice poem.
 — hank

Look in the mirror and throw a chair at it!  I'm just kidding!!!  Now I know who you are and I love the whole "G Flat" thing u got goin' on!  Awesome!!!!  I just changed my rating from a 9 to a 10.  Great little poem!  Peace!  Starr
 — starr

she looked out of the window
languidly
at the calendar
a masterpiece
and man
it sucked the life
out of me
 — stout

...I found it rather uninteresting. Its all rather straight-forward and then and then and then and then.  
Actually the second stanza is great. This poem made me go and play a G flat M, I found that to be interesting.
 — DeformedLion

nice flat
 — kong

...i thought that was a text message, at first, and i was trying to figure it out:"wtf?"!
i'll try you next week...
 — unknown

Good job, Major sir_I_clan.
: )
 — fractalcore

d/eMin-ted

A+
 — Cerulise

wonderful stuff...multitasking will destroy my life, and all the while I should be picking on my guitar, or plucking a lire...whatev.
 — ashtray

This poem made me think and not many of the poems I've read on the internet have accomplished that. I don't totally understand the first part, how the man downstairs would want you to watch television if he hates it, and the mystery of your "situation" is frustrating, it leaves the reader craving more information. Which could be a good thing I suppose.

I enjoy the imagery and the mood conveyed but the vagueness of it is troubling.
 — tinfoiltouch

Excellent.
; )
 — mandolyn

I like how this poem is easily relatable, especially the second stanza and and last three lines.
 — jbang91

I really like this poem..... You had me blown away.... I can't get over on how good this poem is
 — Jonnyboy

jonny
thanks
 — unknown

you should change L12 to "how i clan"
 — mandolyn

0.444s