| Mehr
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trochee
| The sound of awkward silence | 1 |
in the car | 2 |
helps her recognize | 3 |
she is souls away | 4 |
from him. | 5 |
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Her eyes construing | 6 |
the color of his shirt, | 7 |
disembroiled tie | 8 |
and sleeves folded neatly; | 9 |
worries her, if she misread | 10 |
destiny's cue. | 11 |
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The compromise of her feelings, | 12 |
provoked | 13 |
by office piffles, | 14 |
impending promotions | 15 |
and combing the hair | 16 |
during conversations. | 17 |
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She is compelled | 18 |
to long for the awkward silence again | 19 |
and think of the boy | 20 |
who likened her smile to: | 21 |
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'a contagious yawn, | 22 |
realigning | 23 |
everyone's gaze' | 24 |
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and reassure herself | 25 |
she will be loved. | 26 |
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Mehr:
A dowry (also known as trousseau) is a gift of money or valuables given by the bride's family to that of the groom to permit their marriage. |
28 May 07 |
Rated 10 (10) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10, 10
Inactive (0):
(define the words in this poem)
(64 more poems by this author)
(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
nice. your typical voice but that is a good thing. your signature, really, typicality sounds like this isn't anything new. but this is. nice incorporation of definition at the end.
— listen
i took too long to comment so it didn't work-
dammit!
I'll do it again maybe tomorrow, just wanted to say that I really liked this!
I have some suggestions for later,
thanks,
JEn
— unknown
i really like this. pulled me in with the very first line - i literally came closer to the screen.
— 1994
Hi Listen .. thnx a lot. your comment really made my day. I am glad i found my voice.
Hie.. jenny i ddint get why and what didnt work...
thnx a lot for your kind and honest comments as always.
and bring on the suggestions :)
hey 1994. thnx for the fav.
i'd like to know whats with your username.
thnx for reading.
— trochee
this is a contagious yawn.
— unknown
ya?
anyways thnx for reading honey.
— trochee
I like the way the narrator understands this child bride. You set the stage wonderfully in the first strophe. White space is also used skillfully.
"disemroiled tie" confuses me. Line 10-- "worries" should be "worry" ( subject-- verb agreement).
Line 17: whilst conversing -or- during conversations.
Lines 18-28 I find subtle and appealing.
overall excellent writing.
— banditfemme
wait. I must edit myself:
disembroiled.
lines 18-26
and
line 24: everyone's
thank you
— banditfemme
hey, I'm back to try this again.
what I meant was, my computer timed out, so I lost what I had written.
Anyway, here are my thoughts:
Line 6 doesn't seem to tie in with the continued thought,
"her eyes construing the color of his shirt... worries her") which is why my suggestion is to remove her eyes, and not because I don't like the line, maybe it's the phrasing or the position.
(yes, I know how you love the eyes!).
"the colour of his shirt,
disembroiled tie and
sleeves folded neatly
worries her;
if she misread
destiny's cue.
The compromise of her feelings,
provoked (possibly weighted?)
by office piffles,
impending promotions
and combing the hair
in conversation."
(minimizing some wordiness is all,
and suggesting something other that "whilst" for this poem).
Might want to remove the "And" starting L18.
I love piffles, but please tell me what a disembroiled tie looks like? I'm assuming it's free of wrinkles, crooked knots and stains by the description of the guy (sounds like OCD to me)...am I on the right track?
The timing of my finding and reading this was a strange coincidence.
Jen-
— unknown
the obessive compulsive disorder was a joke,
I'm sure there are lots of perfectly nice men who pluck and preen
and are just tiddley-boo,
but it's just so annoying.
see ya
=-)
— unknown
wow 2 favs! thats the highest i have ever got.
thanks a lot BanditFemme and jenny.
BF - i have gone with your suggestion for "during".
and jenny your suggestions have helped stanza 3. But i am still afraid to touch stanza 2.
— trochee
Thanks for the definition of mehr. Can you construe a color? I thought it was an analysis of something, not noticing only, so why is she analyzing his shirt? I'm confused by the semi-colon in that first part. Would a comma work better there?
I'll come back to this, just got busy.
— Isabelle5
The poem actually brings out the emotions of any indian bride.....
— unknown
A Perfect 10
— unknown
thnks isabelle and unknowns.
outerspace- next time read the poem before commenting ;) ok pumpkin?
— trochee
If I can love this a thousand times over, I will. Just hits home at the moment.
— 1994
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