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#8
chat-noir

You were #8.
 1
Meaning, there were seven boys before you.
 2
(I guess the luck stops
 3
after seven).
 4
 
 
One might think
 5
my ears would prick like Pompeii's horses
 6
and I'd step to the side
 7
lest I fall beneath your indecision.
 8
 
 
Now the real trouble lies
 9
in the ruins left behind --
 10
 
 
8a.m. and you say I'm lovely,
 11
smiling into the pillow, squinty-eyed
 12
but trusting your affections.
 13
 
 
You did not break my heart.
 14
 
 
It did not even hurt.
 15
 
 
The only things I ever gave you were
 16
mix CD's,
 17
the right side of my bed,
 18
the name of my favorite perfume.
 19
 
 
I sought words like water,
 20
kissing your vocabulary
 21
(just to fall in love with you).
 22
 
 
I was fishing for oysters
 23
the night you left.
 24
 
 
Finally opening your mouth,
 25
 
 
all worms,
 26
 
 
 
 
  no pearls.
 27

8 Jun 07

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Comments:

L8, should that be "lest"?
 — 1994

ooooh, i really like this one!
 — photobooth

Line 8 - I think you want "lest" there, not least.  That's a good line, by the way, falling beneath someone's indecision.

17 - should that be mixed CD's?  

21 - another very good line.

23 - fishing for oysters?  Diving might be good there but you might need a word to define oysters - word-oyters, verbal oysters, oyster-compliments, something, because oysters just put there with no other 'fishy' words before it come at the reader sort of out of the blue.

If you dropped the 'and' before no pearls, it would be just that much better.
 — Isabelle5

I just HAD to check out another one of your poems and somehow this one pulled me in.  Beautifully sad.  :-(  You've got that same thing I've got goin' on, where you gently lure the reader in and then kick 'em in the face on the last line.  LOVE this!  :-)
 — starr

Isabelle, Mix CD's are CD's that contain special mixes/remixes of club songs f.y.i.  :-)
 — starr

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