| A sock that never found it's missing match.
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trochee
| [11.04.06] After a walk with you at | 1 |
the Marine Drive beach, the dotted grains of sand | 2 |
cohered to my sole, were delicately dispersed | 3 |
on the shoe-rack; so did the sea shore foam | 4 |
that clung sans hope on my shoe-laces. | 5 |
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[06.10.07] Until recently, when I was looking | 6 |
for a missing pair of socks, an audience | 7 |
of sand grains' abode, waited 7 months | 8 |
with inquisitive patience, to know if | 9 |
donning similar socks was more significant | 10 |
than obtaining, erstwhile grains of time | 11 |
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spent together with you. | 12 |
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10 Jun 07 |
Rated 9 (7.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 10
Inactive (2): 4, 7
(define the words in this poem)
(68 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
I like this a lot...
— 1994
missing mate.
a pair is two
did the person have three feet?
— unknown
There are some intriguing bits here, including some well-placed alliteration. I also liked the way one could interpret "sole" differently in L3 if it were read aloud.
Stanza 1 is quite fine the way it is, except for the comma after "shoe-rack" in L4. A period or semi-colon would probably go better there. Stanza 2 is a bit more troublesome, with confusing punctuation and word choices. Some examples: L7 - should this be sockS?; L8 - should grains have a possessive apostrophe (grains')?.
What I'm trying to say is that I would really scrutinize stanza 2 and make sure that it makes clearer sense to the reader.
Finally, I must agree with the previous anonymous commenter - the title doesn't quite make sense. I think you mean "missing mate" or "match".
— DrakeScott
Hey 1994 thnx for reading and commenting yet again. 1994 was a good year for me too.
Yea unknown i agree with ya. hence the change. thnx.
AND Mr.Scott. thnx a lot for such a detailed crit.
i have implemented the changes you recommended. i tried looking for an antonym for 'pair' but found none. thnx. 'match' seems apt for the title.
— trochee
I recoiled at your language use in these places: dotted, cohered, sans, abode and erstwhile. These silly phrases "delicately dispersed" and "inquisitive patience" didn't help either. For me there is too little lyricism here, and too much chewing on the cud.
— unknown
perhaps not enough cud. it really doesn't need anything, don't get me wrong ... just makes you wish there was a little more, good idea with the dates in the brackets.
the last line seems to tie the two together.
— listen
thnks unknown and listen.
and the lack of cud wasnt intentional.
— trochee
Cleverly done. You did darn well
Larry fixing holes Lark
— larrylark
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